I'm letting my self being brought down

Posted , 3 users are following.

Some decades ago, I went to school with this then boy and we became confidante'es. I felt safe only with a few people back then and, he was one of them.

Due to multiple moves which none of us had any control over; we lost contact.

I emigrated eventually, after a long spell of depression and suicidal thoughts. (not because of him)

Eventually he thought to seek me out and found me. I had never had any amorous feelings towards him - only deep friendship. Now, on meeting up again; I fancied him. Perhaps it was the safety in what I thought was familiarity. Perhaps I thought that, because of our pasts, we would understand each other and allow each other to finally be free to be.

Now, all that seem like a wishful illusion (from both our sides).

Now, it seems like I'm representing everything that's gone wrong in his lifeĀ  even though he has made impressively amasing steps towards an independent and strong living.

I don't resent that. I admire it. But I also wish he would admire my accomplishments, which have nothing to do with money or other superficial things that you don't have time to enjoy.

I don't know why he can't respect me for what I do: writing, doing charity gigs, talking to strangers... I try talk to him but he over-voice me. I hate raised voices and he knows that. I try talk about my day and he changes the subject. The only time he seems happy is, when I don't respond or comment on what he says. If I do, we end up in a stale mate: He goes out of the room and sulks for a couple of days.

We live in separate countries, so the time we have together (and I do not have the money to travel to him more than perhaps once every other month) - that time should be prescious. Yet, it is difficult to make it prescious when he refuses to communicate in between my 'visits'.

He says he wants my love but I think it's more of a physical need than a mental need. I am struggling to refuse anti-depressants because, I believe the problem lies with the relationship and not by some chemical imbalance. I might, of course, have gotten it all wrong; misinterpreted and mis-analysed... I don't want to give up on the romantic dream that someone actually searched and found me. Question is: Did he find the me that he thought I would be. Clinging onto him just beggars for mental abuse and, yes, there have been a lot of 'put-downs', a few sorry's..

I would really appreciate some male takes on this

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Tancam

    I'm not in a very place mentally at the moment my self and I know if a female started showing me attention I would be so vulnerable and would fall into something I might rergret and get hurt later.

    He must respect you for what you are and what you do which by the way sounds fantastic and the road to totally happiness and contemptmet.

    Don't ever give up on the romantic dream but please take it slowly, perhaps just have some fun with this guy but make sure you are equell in the relationship and don't be used.

    Hope this helps a bit

    Hugs philip

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  • Posted

    Thank you Philip28679

    Thank you for putting two sides to the dilemma. This is the thing.. we don't know how to deal with each other.. we forget that we shouldn't deal with each other's personalities.. but we forget because we wish for something and, sometimes, we're barking up the wrong tree in our pursuit of filling that emptyness...

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    • Posted

      Hi Tancam

      That's ok and I know what emptiness feels like.

      Have you any advice for me, i am giving up work and the thought of less money and no structure has put me into a depressed state. You seem to be contented without the need to worry about money and to live in the now.

      No matter how I try and be positive I just end up feeling despair. I am destroying everybody's life around me and I know if I don't change I will end up alone

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  • Posted

    Dear Philip - just for a moment I shall step out of my own cooccoon of bewilderness...

    There must be a good reason why you are quitting your job, but life changing changes are always traumatic - be they good, be they bad. Unless you've been told to go, - hold on to why you decided to go. If you have been layed off; then try take it as an opportunity. Perhaps you have other strings to your bow? Other dreams that have been put on hold?

    Obviously I don't know about your financial situation. Perhaps taking a cut in wages will not practically work for you, then all that can be suggested is to take any job(s) that comes along whilst deciding what you like to do next.

    You talk about having to change or you will be alone:

    I have friends (outside of the computer world lol) who have the same fear. I say to them; there is a distinct difference between being alone and being lonely. One can feel lonely in the company of thousands and one can feel happily sitting alone watching TV and eating crisps..so to speak. I've noticed that comment doesn't really do the trick. Then I say to them: Don't rush things (just like you said to me regarding my demise). Focus on your inner self for a while. It is when one can't see ones own personality clearly (this might be due to outer pressure, past experiences or life changing happenings), - one cannot trust another's appearance.

    Well, as most things.. easier said than done. It takes time. We are too indoctrinated being told how life is supposed to be lived. It clouds our minds and gives us excuses to screw it up...excuse my language..

    Some would say: Go get that special person!

    I would say: Go get you!

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  • Posted

    Philip.. I forgot to mention one thing: You say you're hurting those around you.

    That is misdirected energy. Try redirect that energy. How to do that, is to acknowledge when the energy begins to surge. Again, this takes time and a few walls might have to be leaped over before one can do this. But, once you know which direction it comes from - that is when you can redirect it.. perhaps into writing, into jogging, into cooking a nice meal, into playing with a cat/dog, into jobhunting, into a new hobby, into relaxing (yes, that is energy too...)

    I hope that makes somewhat sense...

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  • Posted

    Hi Tancam,

    This reminds me of a girl I knew in high school who I was very fond off we were just friends anyways later in life she left her husband and looked me up I was taken a back and thought she always loved me (yeah I know) so we started seeing each other and went through the same things you are describing like put downs lack of real communication eventually I discovered that she just wanted someone and i was the lucky or unlucky candidateĀ and I guess I was living in the past not present. I ended it and moved on and felt better for it after a few months. We have to be careful that people change and sometimes are not that person we once knew and loved Iā€™m afraid if he is not showing you the love and is nasty toward you then It may be the wrong thing for you especially if emotionally you need balance! try having a break from him if physical interaction is his only interest then its distant for disaster look after your feelings donā€™t fall into abuse through of lonelinessĀ 

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