I'm Overwhelmed with guilt
Posted , 5 users are following.
I feel confused,slightly nasty a little used although at the same time selfish my level of empathy often outweighs good/correct decisions.
So I met a woman two weeks ago we dated and well we all adults right so it progressed to the next level quickly.
This is rather embarrassing but I've only now slept with 3 women and I'm 40 (I know right but I'm very receptive to sensitivity) that and I'm scared to death of getting anything.
Anyway last night we got to talking and she confessed to me we had been having sex and needed to explore adventures that well frankly I'm really not interested in trying she is then pulled a huge box of different (tools) out that made me crinch.
I don't want to judge people here but I always thought that sex (making love) was about respect and the things she suggested where far to disrespectful for me to even entertain (maybe I'm prudish or just not wired up right)
She got rather colourful with words and called be naive for my age said I had a lack of experience and should of by my age tried these things she said sometimes I feel like I seeing a child because I didn't know what the hell the things even where or what you'd do with them.
She got nasty called me a coward because I wouldn't try things and because I didn't in my view what to disrespect her or us her as an object now I know what your thinking just get outta there right? Well that's the problem I said to her look we clearly don't want the same thing and I'd like to go home this is like 4am I live 32 miles away from her she refused to take me home and hit a bottle of vodka hard with every drink she got more and more aggressive and nasty asking me if I wanted to punch her.
I reassured her I wasn't like that and she could shout scream kick what ever is never hit her and said I'm going to go so I left I had to walk home because I didn't have my car and there was no taxi service in the area that would come out so I set to walking home.
She jumped in her car and followed me for approx 3 miles hurling abuse at me then she broke down in tears like I've never seen anyone do before it was terrible I wanted to hug her so much but I was so annoyed at what she had been doing I couldn't she followed me for another two miles telling me she couldn't be allowed and asked me to go bk with her but I refused telling her she was over the limit and to go home before she got arrested but she just kept screaming my name in the end I had to cut across three farmers fields to so she couldn't follow me and she's go home and not get arrested.
Any way I'm at home now and she hasn't stopped ringing me although I've not answered she's text me saying she wasn't in love with her ex but loved him she thinks but she wants to be with me because no one has treated her as an equal before the truth is she scared me last night she's been very vocal and endangered herself and others drink driving.
I do like her and wonder if the blatant disregard for her own and others well being is an indication to how much she likes me or whether it's something else maybe a control mechanism a way to get her own way I feel so bad for not answering her calls really I do you wouldn't beleive the state she was it relly sobbing uncontrollably screaming my name etc
What am i to do I don't want her to be hurting but I feel confused
2 likes, 18 replies
Hakuna_matata
Posted
Just to add to the mix I'm not entirely sure if my own need for wanting to be wanted is clouding my view as I do suffer from depression greatly everyone wants to be wanted and the cause of my depression was losing something well everything and is hate to inflict depression onto someone else if you understand my thought trail so I feel so bad and at a very low point I'm really up in the air at the moment as what is the right thing to do
borderriever Hakuna_matata
Posted
When it comes to new relationships, we can find differences in what the Partner wishes too try. All you need to remember if you are not comfortable with the other persons needs and you feel very unsettled, walk away.
Remember in Life
Different folks, different strokes comes to mind. The relationship was in early stages, if people wish to try various variations it would seem they are used to that and may expect the same for you. It would have turned ut to be an interesting night. All is up to you. Play it by ear, or should I not have said that
She seemed to be taken by your ideas of respect, Personally variety is the Spice of life. The adventure awaits ??
BOB
Hakuna_matata borderriever
Posted
Hi Bob thankyou for your response and the answer received well it made me laugh out loud for sure and I'd assume you and I have different views on the subject.
Although I agree sex for some is indeed a form of self exploration and gratification I tend to have the feeling of its meant to be a meaningful to be with somebody in that way I feel should be more than to serve a purpose.
I guess I'm not really in to have sex with someone as much as I'm into making love to someone special
Yes I guess I am rather prudish then lol the idea of that kind of think actually makes me feel quite sick I don't see how you can treat someone you care for and look at as an equal and want to protect them from hurting and inflict that kind of sadism upon to them .
Although seeing her break down as she did and the thoughts of my own moments of dispear I can't helping thinking to walk away would be a far worse thing to do to her.
With her revelation of her feels for her ex as left me feeling a little cheated and a little used although I'm still struggling with the way I have made her feel her words were nasty and the drink amplied those words.
I do realise that we are not going to be an item that's far to weird,hypocritical,and disrespectful for me to be a participant in.
However I tend to form connections quickly with people I'm in a sexual relationship with and for me personally it's much more than gratification and so I feel a connection with her and knowing I was the cause of that breakdown she displayed is playing very heavy upon me
I don't want to lead her down a garden path I know that we would never be able to connect like that every again I just couldn't see her in the same way plus knowing how she needs or desires to be treated and not willing to participate is only a recipe for infidelity I have my trust issues anyway so that's not going to happen but I feel obliged almost to ensure she's ok am I even making any sense here
I hate that she broke down like that and I saw it the problem wasn't so much as walking away I know I can't be with her the problem is more how do I ensure she's ok without leading her down the path or giving her false hope.
borderriever Hakuna_matata
Posted
Please do not get me wrong, I have not really known anyone that has this problem. I do remember working in a Youth Club and been told one of the members was a nympho, it did make an interesting conversation.
What I do understand is sometimes if a person has been badly treated and the relationship followed A Sexual abuse, this sort of sex play may have been the norm and the relationship could have become Sadistic or/and Masosistic and over an extended period this could have been normal and the Woman could have become expectant of that behaviour. Hence the feeling you were showing Her respect, or what many would call normality. The woman may have very little self respect and that will become normal as well. Remember Sex and Pain for many may be quite normal, not only Kinky.
People get their jollies in many ways, I do remember a person who married someone like this and the marraige was ended in court.
The person was very wary when it came to any form of friendship with leanings to a new relationship.
I am sixty six and have not anyone like above, I suppose when young I may have run a mile or three
BOB
Hakuna_matata borderriever
Posted
Thanks bob and here I was looking to elevate the burden of guilt (hahaha) now I find myself considering her history and if that plays a role in her attitude and I feel worse for her lol.
I've been messaged by one of her friends and I've informed them of my desicion to walk away and the friend has assured me that she will assist her in feeling better so I am not feeling as bad now thankyou Bob you stay safe buddy
borderriever Hakuna_matata
Posted
Keep a hold lol
BOB
amanda35274 Hakuna_matata
Posted
Hi s.f. sou, ive read ur post & whilst as a woman i dont wanna get into the intricates of the whole sex thing. But wat i would say is glad her friend is going to see shes ok. As regardless unfortunately of why she deems this behaviour normalised or just fun, as between consenting adults thats ok. But you shouldnt feel bad after little more than a couple of weeks god thats all a bit heavy isnt it?? If it were the other way round and a guy was pressuring a girl it would be seen a hell of a lot differently & its the same. I would b sad for not answering too but ur going thru depression & by youre post it sounds like she might have some issues also. Xx like u said were all adults and its yr choice hun but in my opinion its a little bit quick into a relationship to bring out the dominatrix in you then berate the person uve not long met for not wanting the same xx !!!! I think you have done the right thing for u ecspec while unwell. My personal opinion only xx good luck xx
Hakuna_matata amanda35274
Posted
Hi amanda I agree mostly on most things you comment on with you although there's one point you said that I'm not sure on and that's the a bit heavy I'm not sure a time restraint can be or should be put on feeling compassion for somebody else Infact this very site is intense most sharing their stories and in some way I feel connected, empathy and genuine compassion for every single one of them I'm a human being and as I stated I'm very sensitive I read some stories and feel I just want to scope them up in my arms and take all there troubles away, once I've met a person and looked into the eyes and seen the person behind the smile I don't think you had be to heavy if you understand me and that goes for someone I've know for a day or a lifetime.
Hakuna_matata
Posted
After reading that back that sounds like I'm being padantic or nasty to you although I hope that's not how I come across because that's not me at all and I apologise if you take that the wrong way .
I just think human beings and the site itself need people to be able to relate to other people's experiences when I saw her break down as she did it really struck home I'd caused her to do that.
I remember how bad I felt myself when is had moments of total breakdown and how I couldn't think of anything but what I'd lost
That feeling is not wish on anybody Hun that's what I meant and to see it happen to someone that you had that kind of connection with is gut wrenching
Hope you didn't take offence as I said you comment on a lot of things and add a great deal of value to the topics and no doubt you help lots of people you yourself are an amazing human being and I'd hate to have you take offence from my improper explaining topics xx keep in touch X
amanda35274 Hakuna_matata
Posted
God im the most sensitive soul i know with a huge heart. Which is why i wouldnt want u hurt & i also said i was glad she had her friend to comfort her and glad she wasnt alone. I also made clear it was my opinion only superflou. Your choices are your own. If u have known this lady an hr fair enough, but wether its an hr, a month, 5 yrs, u were still made to feel uncomfortable. It wasnt that she asked you to to try it at all it was the reaction after a short time together when u weren't happy to go along with that i was trying to point out... i was trying to be there for you. But like i said it was only an opinion. im prob as sensitive as you are... hence my 1st post was to protect someone like me xx sorry for any offence xx
amanda35274
Posted
Hakuna_matata amanda35274
Posted
Aww amanda I'm so sorry Hun it seems you must of been replying as I was putting my next comment it seems I did upset you and I really need to know I understand your comment and value it my message back as I noticed sounded quite abrupt on reading it back and I sent another in hope that it would reach you before the first message upset you I apoligise for the misunderstanding Hun x I love your comments on here and have followed you ( that's sounds creepy) lol in topics and agreed with you on many many occasions your an amazing person I hope you can forgive the misunderstanding aww babe thinking of you xx stay in touch X
amanda35274 Hakuna_matata
Posted
hypercat Hakuna_matata
Posted
Hi from what you have said run a mile from this woman. This is not normal behaviour and especially as you have only known her 2 weeks! Don't be worried about hurting her but just stay well away. Change your number if you have to but keep clear of her.
That's my advice.
Hakuna_matata hypercat
Posted
Thankyou hypercat I must admit the urgency in your comment really made me laugh I have blocked her number and I hope that'll be enough and her friend ensures she's ok and gets any support she may need but thankyou again for your comments X
hypercat Hakuna_matata
Posted
I wasn't sure if I was too blunt and worried that you might take it the wrong way so I am relieved you haven't.
You are not to blame for this woman's behaviour in any way. It sounds like she has got major problems and her friends reaction shows it's not the first time she has had to look after her. I wonder how many others of her relationships have gone the same way. I doubt whether you are the first to spark such a reaction in her.
I totally agree with your decision and think you have had a lucky escape. She sounds bonkers! x
Hakuna_matata hypercat
Posted
Haha bonkers that's definitely got to become a proper medical term hahaha
IM SORRY MADAM there's nothing we can do your just completely Bonkers!!! Hahaha it's funny looking back on it now but I was struggling with the fact is caused that breakdown
My heart goes out to her tho if as Bob said early she's never been treated correctly before it's such a shame someone can have that little respect for themselves due to being an others victim
hypercat Hakuna_matata
Posted
Bonkers
At the end of the day though we are all victims of something/someone nasty aren't we? We just have to take responsibility for ourselves and our own behaviour regardless who or what caused it. It's not fair to put it onto others.
It can be a very hard and cruel world out there and you have to have certain defences and self awareness to survive don't you. I bet this lady is a survivor....