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This might be long but I really need to get this off my chest... but before I start my family is kinda big. I have 5 sisters and 4 brothers. My dad was with my mom and my mom already had 2 daughters before she was with my dad. Then they had me and my sister. My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom but my stepmom has 2 kids of her own older than me so I'm the oldest with my dad but technically not the oldest. They had a kid together then he cheated on my stepmom with the babysitter and had a kid with her then had a kid with the babysitters best friend and then he had his maybe last kid with my stepmom. On my real mom side, I have 2 older sisters. In total, that's 10 kids.
In elementary school I never really had friends... I was also in the background. I always tried so hard to make friends so everyone can see me and talk to me but in the end, people still ignored me. Then I started getting laughed at because of how dark my skin color was and how ugly I am. My family isn't poor but we can't afford a lot of things either. Every day I would always get laughed at in school even when people thought I couldn't hear them I could or someone else would come tell me what was said.
Everyone had boyfriends and best friends and I didn't have either of those so that made it even worse. I know I should have stopped trying to make friends and get attention but I kept trying anyway. Even though people would pick on me that did not mean I wouldn't fight. I grew up in the worst neighboorhood in Orlando, what do you expect? I got my first "best friend" in second grade and technically it didn't count because that was my sister best friend. I started using my knowledge to get people to like me so I let people cheat off of me on tests and quizzes. I thought it was working but I was still called ugly and had no friends... That kept going on all my elementary school years. I became a hall monitor because I thought I would be cooler but I just ended up being more hated blah blah blah.
Here comes middle school yay... I was called poor because I wore the same 5 pants every week but my family couldn't afford more pants what was I suppose to do. I started being mean and having an "F*** you! I don't care!" attitude. After a couple years of being picked on and called ugly, it was going to change me sooner than later. I finally made some friends but I only made friends because people knew my sisters. All of my sisters look better than me and I'm not ashamed to admit it. People would always say why you look like that but you're sisters wear True Religion, Jordans, Nikes, etc. My older sisters had jobs so they could afford it, my step-siblings had fathers that gave them anything they wanted, my younger sister stole, and my parents had to spend money on my other siblings too I just had a different style (we don't have much money). I basically got picked on because I'm too dark, I'm "ugly", I'm black and listen to rock music, and I like to wear Converse and Vans. 6th grade is when I found out I had depression but I knew I had it way longer. Every year my grades would get lower and lower and I just stop trying.
Then I finished middle school and here comes high school... I started stealing clothes too to help me look nicer. I begged my mom to get me some better hair even though I knew she couldn't afford it. The beginning of the year I started trying to impress everyone and I tried to be more outgoing. I would never stoop so low to do makeup to make myself look better though. I noticed people start talking to me more and I have more people to talk too. I didn't like that though. I didn't want people to be my friend because of how I dress and how much I had to change my attitude and let things just slip by. I got my boyfriend on October 9th, 2017. He makes me so happy and I just love when he's around because he makes me smile and stop thinking about the worst. He made me want to stay alive and actually try to get help.
I told my stepmom that I wanted to kill myself and I need help and she took me when she went to go take my brother to his counselor. I talk to her about setting up an appointment even though her schedule is really busy. The first appointment she diagnosed me with depression and she wanted me to see her once a week but her schedule only allowed once every 2 weeks. I told her how I want to move back in with my mom but my mom doesn't even try to get me to move back in with her. If my dad says no then it's just no and mom isn't even going to fight for me she just says "oh well" and move on. Every appointment I went to I cried and little more off my chest. Then one day I told her how I got the urge to step in front of a car but the last minute I turned around.
She made me go see a psychiatrist and I had a terrible experience with me having to wait over 5 hours the first time I went and didn't even get an appointment. The next time I went, I had to talk to 4 people and finally got my first appointment. Then I signed the sheet saying I promise not kill myself when I go home and to be honest, it was terrible. It also made me not want to come back when they told my dad they can keep me in the hospital against my will if he says yes. My dad thought I was lying about wanting to kill myself. He said I only want attention because I was never raped, abused, or etc. That made me lose a lot of respect for him and the fact he said that made me fall deeper into the hole I was already in.
Now here I am today telling random people what's going on and this isn't even all of it. I went to suicide prevention website to talk to someone but I was stuck in the queue for an hour so I just gave up. I haven't come up with an official date but I decided I'm going to kill myself before May 8th, 2018.
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