I'm ready to kill myself after being depressed for 5+ years...

Posted , 7 users are following.

This might be long but I really need to get this off my chest... but before I start my family is kinda big. I have 5 sisters and 4 brothers. My dad was with my mom and my mom already had 2 daughters before she was with my dad. Then they had me and my sister. My dad cheated on my mom with my stepmom but my stepmom has 2 kids of her own older than me so I'm the oldest with my dad but technically not the oldest. They had a kid together then he cheated on my stepmom with the babysitter and had a kid with her then had a kid with the babysitters best friend and then he had his maybe last kid with my stepmom. On my real mom side, I have 2 older sisters. In total, that's 10 kids.

In elementary school I never really had friends... I was also in the background. I always tried so hard to make friends so everyone can see me and talk to me but in the end, people still ignored me. Then I started getting laughed at because of how dark my skin color was and how ugly I am. My family isn't poor but we can't afford a lot of things either. Every day I would always get laughed at in school even when people thought I couldn't hear them I could or someone else would come tell me what was said.

Everyone had boyfriends and best friends and I didn't have either of those so that made it even worse. I know I should have stopped trying to make friends and get attention but I kept trying anyway. Even though people would pick on me that did not mean I wouldn't fight. I grew up in the worst neighboorhood in Orlando, what do you expect? I got my first "best friend" in second grade and technically it didn't count because that was my sister best friend. I started using my knowledge to get people to like me so I let people cheat off of me on tests and quizzes. I thought it was working but I was still called ugly and had no friends... That kept going on all my elementary school years. I became a hall monitor because I thought I would be cooler but I just ended up being more hated blah blah blah.

Here comes middle school yay... I was called poor because I wore the same 5 pants every week but my family couldn't afford more pants what was I suppose to do. I started being mean and having an "F*** you! I don't care!" attitude. After a couple years of being picked on and called ugly, it was going to change me sooner than later. I finally made some friends but I only made friends because people knew my sisters. All of my sisters look better than me and I'm not ashamed to admit it. People would always say why you look like that but you're sisters wear True Religion, Jordans, Nikes, etc.  My older sisters had jobs so they could afford it, my step-siblings had fathers that gave them anything they wanted, my younger sister stole, and my parents had to spend money on my other siblings too I just had a different style (we don't have much money). I basically got picked on because I'm too dark, I'm "ugly", I'm black and listen to rock music, and I like to wear Converse and Vans. 6th grade is when I found out I had depression but I knew I had it way longer. Every year my grades would get lower and lower and I just stop trying.

Then I finished middle school and here comes high school... I started stealing clothes too to help me look nicer. I begged my mom to get me some better hair even though I knew she couldn't afford it. The beginning of the year I started trying to impress everyone and I tried to be more outgoing. I would never stoop so low to do makeup to make myself look better though. I noticed people start talking to me more and I have more people to talk too. I didn't like that though. I didn't want people to be my friend because of how I dress and how much I had to change my attitude and let things just slip by. I got my boyfriend on October 9th, 2017. He makes me so happy and I just love when he's around because he makes me smile and stop thinking about the worst. He made me want to stay alive and actually try to get help.

I told my stepmom that I wanted to kill myself and I need help and she took me when she went to go take my brother to his counselor. I talk to her about setting up an appointment even though her schedule is really busy. The first appointment she diagnosed me with depression and she wanted me to see her once a week but her schedule only allowed once every 2 weeks. I told her how I want to move back in with my mom but my mom doesn't even try to get me to move back in with her. If my dad says no then it's just no and mom isn't even going to fight for me she just says "oh well" and move on. Every appointment I went to I cried and little more off my chest. Then one day I told her how I got the urge to step in front of a car but the last minute I turned around.

She made me go see a psychiatrist and I had a terrible experience with me having to wait over 5 hours the first time I went and didn't even get an appointment. The next time I went, I had to talk to 4 people and finally got my first appointment. Then I signed the sheet saying I promise not kill myself when I go home and to be honest, it was terrible. It also made me not want to come back when they told my dad they can keep me in the hospital against my will if he says yes. My dad thought I was lying about wanting to kill myself. He said I only want attention because I was never raped, abused, or etc. That made me lose a lot of respect for him and the fact he said that made me fall deeper into the hole I was already in.

Now here I am today telling random people what's going on and this isn't even all of it. I went to suicide prevention website to talk to someone but I was stuck in the queue for an hour so I just gave up. I haven't come up with an official date but I decided I'm going to kill myself before May 8th, 2018.

-Tyte

1 like, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Tyte,

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

     

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The organisations below can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen. If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to one of these organisations who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

     

    There are several helplines in the US which can help you.

     

    They include the Crisis Call Center on Phone: (800) 273-8255;

     

    Hopeline Network on Phone: (800) 422-HOPE (1-800-422-4673)

     

    and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Phone: (800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

     

    Please do reach out - there are many good people who can help.

     

    For users outside of the USA please have a look at this page https://www.befrienders.org/directory

    Kind regards,

    Patient

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  • Posted

    Dont do anything, i am in work at the minute but feel everything you say, lets talk if its ok x
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  • Posted

    You do not need to kill yourself. I understand that your depression is not good but why do you want to end your life.

    I myself had a lot of problems while growing up. My mom drank and mentally abused me, i did not have a lot of friends in school and yes i have dealt with my own depression and anxieties. I have a good life now i work part time, i have a great boyfriend, I have a dog and one parakeet and one cockatiel. Sometimes life does make me stressed out but i keep going and pushing myself because why end it when you have some good things about yourself. 

    You have to write a list about yourself and the good qualities you have. you are young and need to get out and have fun forget about all these negative things. 

    I will be a friend to you 

    Susan

     

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  • Posted

    Please don’t keep thinking things will get better...I had depression for almost 10 years and a personality disorder for five...I got put in to a psychiatric ward with my baby earlier this year and I have just recently lost my job....but I’m determined I won’t let it break me....please don’t give up on life because things will get better they have too...you’ve paid your dues...had your share of darkness it’s your time to shine....you are a beautiful human being....please don’t forget your worth....if u are able to feel sadness more that means you can also feel happiness more...don’t give up if it helps say a prayer....it helps me get trough the most Difficult moments...
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  • Posted

    I really wish I could help you, but I'm stupid and have no idea what to tell you besides everyone around you are a-holes!! I can't believe what has happened and how people have been treating you. People need to make other people feel like crap so they have control of something in their lives. They probably have stuff going on at home for them to act like that, but that IS NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!! If you just ignore them and not give them any reaction they usually back off... but life is always shizey. I don't know how else I can help, if you want to talk just let me know!

    ^-^ I'd be happy to help if I can

    Yona~

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  • Posted

     I don’t know if this will reach you, but it’s worth a shot. I myself have struggled with depression and suicidal  thoughts since I can remember. I never got help until 2015 when I almost jumped out of the window in my third-floor apartment  over bare concrete, but even then, they gave up until I dropped out of school for most of my seventh eighth grade year. I   also was picked on for most of my elementary life. Just because my blindness.  You are not  alone in your low    income struggles either. Sometimes my family worries whether to buy food or pay the bills. I am 15, and I have to worry about this. It is frustrating that the mental health system is so awful. I believe that you are strong. I believe that you can make it.

     I believe that we can make it together! Lets be strong together and support each other.

     It may seem impossible, but it is.      

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  • Posted

    I have been dealing with depression for more than ten years. I come from a family of ten, and I am the one that is ugly, badly shaped, and have a learning disability. I was not only made fun of at home, but at school too. I had no friends, and you would have thought my name was dumb and stupid. Because no one ever called me anything else. I have been sexually attacked more than once, and I had to keep it to myself. But I have made it through. I believe that if I made it to adult hood I would be okay. I joined church, I have friends, and a good pastor. There have been plenty of time when I thought about ending my life, but I know that it was Jesus Christ who wouldn't let me. So don't give up young man. Life is good. And you know what I found out, whether you ugly or good looking, smart or stupid, black or white, we all have to go through something. We live in an imperfect world, and we are all imperfect people, but we have to take what has been given to us and make the best out of it. I see people with real bad physical handicaps, and they don't ever give up.

    And one more thing, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My husband is very nice looking, and he thinks that I am one of the best looking woman in the world. Women are always trying to get his attention, but he says that I am the only one for him. So I know that there is a beautiful woman out there for you too. Be strong and practice liking and loving yourself and your whole life will change.

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