I'm recovering from depression, but sometimes my mind makes me wish i was depressed again ..?

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I've had depression on and off for about 2/3 years but only started getting help for it about a year and a bit ago through regular counselling. I've found that this has seriously helped me and completely changed the way i see myself, others and has helped me recognise my thought processes.

I would say i havent been depressed for about 4/5 months now, obviously i still have a few bad days (just like everyone) but i'm leading a life which is a lot more content and peaceful than it has been the past couple of years.

My problem is that half the time i find myself having to persuade myself that i dont deserve to be depressed again. I feel like half my brain is trying to make me depressed again, trying to make me think that being depressed will be safer and that i deserve it.. whereas the other half of my mind, the healthy part, is constantly battling to persuade me that i dont deserve to be depressed again and how im doing right now is so good and the best way for me to live..

Im just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this? 'wanting' to go back to depression even when recovery is so so much better? If so, what sort of things have you thought ro said to yourself to try and break free from this battle within your mind?

thank you, rachael :3 

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    If by going back to depression you mean the melancholic aspect, I think it's probably habit. Just like the positive mood you've got at the moment is a good habit. Even positive people have negative thoughts, they're just water off a ducks back, they change them into positives. Instead of 'I feel like sh*t' they think 'how can I feel better?- they might go running, phone a friend, plan a weekend trip with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I know what you mean wanting to go back, but I think what you'll find that maybe you just want more attention (don't take this as an insult) This feeling might just be your mind's way of telling you to socialise more. Hope this helps smile
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  • Posted

    I have been and am depressed but I have recovered a lot from most of my depression and sometimes I just like going back to that or feel like I should stay depressed I'm not sure why but it just happens

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  • Posted

    I'm in depression and finding it hard to actually want to get better, I'm just so burnt out with life putting in the effort that could take years to get better is a lot work and I don't have much left in me..

    I get what you mean Rachael it's one of those things when you've had it for so long sometimes you don't want to or are scared of actually becoming 'normal'.. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Jake, 

      I think haing a read of metacognitive therapy would really help you.

      I don't think it will take you years to get better. You are a product of the thoughts you are having now, and because of that, you can change the way you feel now aswel. 


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    • Posted

      Hey Sarah, it's took me 5 years but I do know now and have accepted I need help

      The problem is that sure it's extremely easy for me to type all of this but when it comes to talking to somebody outside of the internet I am very good at making out I am fine, to the point of convincing myself I am

      I have started writing a letter explaining everything, suicidal thoughts, that I have self harmed and everything I would never admit to, I just hope I'm taken seriously because I can't keep this up anymore, I'm 20 and already feel a burden to everyone.

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    • Posted

      You arnt a burden and its great you have found an alternative way of communicating to ensure you get some help. 

      Id really have a look at some info about MCT i mentioned above. I struggled with anxiety for years but this has helped me very quickly. 

      In short:

      Dont worry about worry, dont worry about depression. This does not make you feel better. You won't find the 'answer' you are just making yourself feel worse. Save these analytical thoughts for 6pm each night for ten minutes and don't try and 'solve' your issue until then.

      Have a think about what thoughts are. To me they are just mental events. What is the difference between me thinking a donkey could bite me and me having a panic attack. Nothing, except I gave importance to the second one, worried about it, prepared for it, got angry with myself for thinking it and made it 'real'. Simply deciding to see it for what it is - a thought and nothing more - helped my anxiety to go away over this thought. Could you apply this to any of your thoughts?

      This is what I meant by being able to change your thoughts today. Your feelings are a product of what you are thinking in this moment and because of that, I believe you can change this. It might have took you fibe years but why should it have to take you so long to recover?

      I had anxiety for four years and it is going away in a matter of weeks since reading a book xxxx 


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    • Posted

      I took on board what someone said and when I feel an anxiety attack come on or while I'm having one I just sit down on the floor and take deep breathes and shut my eyes and try and close off those thoughts and accept it's just my mind playing tricks on me. Not perfect but in time I think it will help 

      I want to change more than anything, I would give anything to be able to wake up and think, you know what, things are pretty good. The only thing stopping me is when I get into my low moods, it bothers me how much I change and the things I have done and consider. Something I will certainly be talking to the doctor about..

      I fly home tomorrow and it's sad I have to leave but I have to do this for myself and start putting myself first.

      Hope your ok and thanks xx

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    • Posted

      Well you cant supress thoughts so I wouldnt try to, because it will probably be more distressing when you realise they arnt going away.

      I hope the doctor refers you for therapy.

      LIke I said I dont thnk it would take you a long time to recover.

      Hope your journey back brings you everything you want!!

      Thankyou xx

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  • Posted

    Yea I have been there too. It is daunting going back to 'normality'

    I think with this and anxiety you have to realise that thoughts and 'you' are seperate. You are not the content of your thoughts, thoughts are just mental events that happen in the brain.

    Maybe you have had a thought 'its safer being depressed' This statement is not true or false and I dont think it demonstrates that you want to be depressed again. It is just a sentence. By homing in on it, because quite rightly you are monitoring your thoughts, you have given it an importance and created a visual concept that half of your brain wants to be depressed and half is healthy. All from one or a serious of thoughts. 

    I hope that doesnt sound patronising but can you see the mental process you have taken to get from a thought to a 'situation'? 

    If it was me, I would disregard it. You the person wanted to be free from depression because you saught treatment. I would not let thoughts make you think otherwise. Allow them but don't engage with them.

    I am glad you are happier x


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