i'm scared or am I worrying about nothing?

Posted , 3 users are following.

Been attending IPT interpersonal therapy, attended week 11 out of 16 on wednesday. Was quite agitated and tense before hand, been tallking through my husbands illness, death, funeral, me interacting with people, stop isolating myself and how much effort I am putting in. then we get back to photos which I was resisting to look at and discuss. She was really pushing me to look at them, I started getting very distressed and on shutting my eyes had visions of me attacking her, (beating the c*** out of her) I said i need to escape she said she didn't want to push me too hard but try to talk about them. I couldn't and changedthe subject. On driving home all i could think about was swimming out to sea and not coming back, but good for me I went to the swimming pool and swam 16 lenghts even though my frozen shoulder was really hurting. Late night diazepam to try to sleep, morning at work going ok except kept thinking of this vision its really bad. Then I find myself on the internet looking at suicide pages while at work.This really worried me as I don't remember typing this in. Sat looking at my phone to ring the CMHT but couldn't as all this sounds so stupid. I even got the tide times as it is a very high tide here tonight, haven't gone out yet but debating just to test myself and face it front on. Not really sure why??  

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  • Posted

    Hi tina, Im so so sorry sweetheart for the loss of your husband.. There clearly was a strong bond of love between you both..  Im also sorry that you are finding it hard to work through the photos with your therapist..  I admire you for attending IPT.. very strong & brave move sweetheart..   When you come to the end of your 16th week, make further appointments with therapists/counsellors & continue working through the hurdles you have..  Try not to pressure your self & become anxious if you can not deal with those lovely photos you have for now.  It will happen in its own time & when 'you' are ready ok.. Each day, each week to each month, you are walking forward.  Its understanding that you would feel fradgile with your grieving, dont hesitate to draw on someone elses strength to pull you through it tina.. Much love to you sweetone.. you will get through this xx

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    • Posted

      thank you for your encouraging words, i;ve been struggling, fighting this for just on two years, following a very in depth assessment this was the conclusion IPT, after these 16 weeks I am supposedly being referred on to deal with symptoms of PTSD, which again is someone else to learn to trust, I tried explaining that at times i feel like two different people. she is a lovely understanding calming lady but I just find this all so hard, tiring, stressful and feel as if i'm letting her and myself down and just wasting peoples time. It's the suicidal intrusive thoughts and images which are beginning to worry me more, as I am looking up and doing things without really realising it. we do talk through these every week but they are getting more vivid, But I suppose I am still here for now... Thank you x

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    • Posted

      you dont have to thank me gorgeous gal,  I admire you with the greatest respect for hanging in there & continuing on with therapy.. I call that 'HOPE" & you carry a pocket full of that sweetone..  It does appear that PTSD has a hold & so common with millions of people in this world..  PLEASE do not let your mind tell you lies by thinking you are letting people down or wasting their time,  so untrue ok.. Block those negative thoughts before they consume you tina.. It does concern me that you have suicidal thoughts, thats not ok sweetheart..  Therefore, I urge you to see your GP who may find it necessary to prescribe you with medication that can help balance those thoughts you are getting OR control the up & down mood swings.. You appear to be a lovely person through your mention of how you may be affecting other people..  Lets turn that around yeah,  its YOU who is the most important one of all.. its YOU who everyone wants to see walk through the storm.. its YOU who so many care about, including me hun..  Can you make an appointment to see your GP asap tina?   It would be worth following up something else to help you.  You are not alone hun xxxxx

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  • Posted

    Pleasr dont do it. Youve been thur alot. You need to talk to someone. I dont start to unstand what your going thur. Ive been suicidal before several time. And i go to the hospital. My meds. Get out of wack pleasr talk to your droctor i am proud of you for fighting this urge my husband has MS hes been sick awhile. I know the stress it can be. I am bi polar i hope you wont mind ill be praying for you
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  • Posted

    nothing wrong with curiosity. What were you trying to achieve in the counselling session? You seem to have made some progress anyway.
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    • Posted

      How to reply to all your comments as I am rubbish with words, spoken and written which is one of my problems not talking to people about things which even included my husband. The crux is i've blocked out so much feel as if my life has been a complete sham, can't really even mention my husbands name, my life seems to be someone elses story, that's where the photos come in to look and talk about them/us always put on a brave face surpressed emotions for so long it is difficult to feel/show them, but now they have gone to extremes of anger, hatred towards myself for being who I am to the extent of self harm, suicide thoughts and not caring if I live or die take risks etc. So the IPT is suppose to get me to feel express my emotions interact with people not just professionals. 

      Pat I know how you feel my husband was ill over 14 years every year something else would be diagnosed, had a heart bypass 2 years before he died, he was improving then started going down hill diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer and it all went wrong after 9 months, my heart goes out to you, don't be afraid to ask for help, don't hide it or lock it away or your end up in a complete mess like me.

      i've been on 3 types of medication for just over a year, weaned off them as still felt the same, been in hospital for 3 weeks to keep me safe last year. Two lots of phased return to work. My heads in a spin, go for walks into the wilds of the hills not telling anyone where I'm going come wind, rain, snow or sun, the worse the weather the better. .These sessions are suppose to help stabalise me to move onto to deal with other issues which I had kept locked away for years which started coming out during the assessment I had. That's why the move onto psycotherapy. I hope some of this makes sense as I seem to be jumping all over the place. 

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