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Been attending IPT interpersonal therapy, attended week 11 out of 16 on wednesday. Was quite agitated and tense before hand, been tallking through my husbands illness, death, funeral, me interacting with people, stop isolating myself and how much effort I am putting in. then we get back to photos which I was resisting to look at and discuss. She was really pushing me to look at them, I started getting very distressed and on shutting my eyes had visions of me attacking her, (beating the c*** out of her) I said i need to escape she said she didn't want to push me too hard but try to talk about them. I couldn't and changedthe subject. On driving home all i could think about was swimming out to sea and not coming back, but good for me I went to the swimming pool and swam 16 lenghts even though my frozen shoulder was really hurting. Late night diazepam to try to sleep, morning at work going ok except kept thinking of this vision its really bad. Then I find myself on the internet looking at suicide pages while at work.This really worried me as I don't remember typing this in. Sat looking at my phone to ring the CMHT but couldn't as all this sounds so stupid. I even got the tide times as it is a very high tide here tonight, haven't gone out yet but debating just to test myself and face it front on. Not really sure why??
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