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I haven't posted for a little while - I have been attending counselling, but it's coming to an end in the next few weeks, it's going well but I don't feel as though it has made an actual difference to me yet. It's helpful speaking about everything to somebody but, fundamentally nothing has changed, I still feel the same.
Right now I'm at a point where I can live with this depression, it's hard but it's not as overwhelming but I can literally feel it creeping back up, I'm terrified because I feel like as soon as my counselling sessions are all finished it will grab hold of me again and pull me down too far this time.
The main reason I went to counselling was so I could comfortably justify suicide in my own mind, reasoning that I had "done everything I could" I don't feel suicidal right now, I don't feel anywhere near the way I did then but I do feel as though it is going to grab hold of me again soon and this time I just won't be able to fight it off.
I'm terrified, I can feel the grip of depression taking hold of me again, like it's stood behind me just waiting for the right moment. I don't want to go back to that place, I literally cannot deal with how awful it felt, words cannot describe it - I'm sure a lot of you here can probably relate.
I'm just so scared, I feel like really I have just been stalling the inevitible, I don't want to end my life and I don't want to be negative but I can feel myself slipping that way and don't know how to stop it and once the support of counselling ends I feel like I am doomed
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