I'm terrified

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hey guys, 

I haven't posted for a little while - I have been attending counselling, but it's coming to an end in the next few weeks, it's going well but I don't feel as though it has made an actual difference to me yet. It's helpful speaking about everything to somebody but, fundamentally nothing has changed, I still feel the same. 

Right now I'm at a point where I can live with this depression, it's hard but it's not as overwhelming but I can literally feel it creeping back up, I'm terrified because I feel like as soon as my counselling sessions are all finished it will grab hold of me again and pull me down too far this time. 

The main reason I went to counselling was so I could comfortably justify suicide in my own mind, reasoning that I had "done everything I could" I don't feel suicidal right now, I don't feel anywhere near the way I did then but I do feel as though it is going to grab hold of me again soon and this time I just won't be able to fight it off. 

I'm terrified, I can feel the grip of depression taking hold of me again, like it's stood behind me just waiting for the right moment. I don't want to go back to that place, I literally cannot deal with how awful it felt, words cannot describe it - I'm sure a lot of you here can probably relate. 

I'm just so scared, I feel like really I have just been stalling the inevitible, I don't want to end my life and I don't want to be negative but I can feel myself slipping that way and don't know how to stop it and once the support of counselling ends I feel like I am doomed sad

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear fee25, I just felt it on my heart to say the following. We are social creatures so can struggle with a sense of inadequacy. However when we Realize we are not as inadequate as we thought we were, and when we Realize that everybody else also thinks they are inadequate, then the painful idea that you are not a person of value starts fading to some extent. Please never lose the Precious Beautiful sense of your real Self, for anyone or anything, because this is all that any of us only truly have in life. You have to search for it, sometimes with all you have got, under all the outer layers of our mind, will, emotions, 'conditioned by society' beliefs and desires (I look at it like searching for gold in all the dirt). Do not sabotage your progress in life just because you are afraid you will not find what you seek. You Are Enough - keep saying this, write it on notes around the house, whatever it takes to get you to believe in this Truth. X
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  • Posted

    Hi fee25,

    sorry to hear that your going through a really bad time just now, I wish I had words of comfort for you. I know we're your coming from when you say your looking to justify suicide, been pondering the same thoughts myself when I'm at my lowest. My wife can't cope with my illness so I guess my marriage is coming to an end. I feel that all that's left is to summon up the strength to do what's necessary.

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    • Posted

      I think about suicide a lot at the moment but, I'm not in that place where I may actually act on it. Not yet anyway, though I feel myself slipping back there and I want so badly not to go back. It is far too painful. 

      In a few weeks I will have finished counselling and can in my own mind justify suicide, that's what worries me. 

      It is such a struggle, I can't hold down any form of relationship at the moment. Depression is tough, it doesn't just affect us but our loved ones too rolleyes I know it must be hard for your wife but - let her know how much you love and appreciate her, maybe she can help you through, although it is difficult.

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    • Posted

      Think we are in similar places fee25. I'm just trying to take each day as it comes. I'm starting to come to terms with my wife not being able to provide the physical support I need but it's a struggle. Just focusing on getting past Christmas and making it a good one for the kids. After that, I'm not really bothered what happens.

      as I've said before, my departure is planned, just need the strength now.

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  • Posted

    Hey Fee, Have you seen a doc about anti depressants as when I was getting CBT I also didnt see any light at teh end of the tunnel and was worried. I started anti depressants and it felt like I had a cut finger that wouldnt stop bleeding only slow down some days then I put the plastic on it and it healed not over night but eventually and now its fine? my mind doesnt seekm much difference to a cut finger. Maybe look at anti dperessants to help the balancement? it sounds like you have started thinking more rationally though if you understand the thoughts and that they are just that thoughts! Dont allow yourself to slip down tell your self you are a survivor and this is purely a bump in the road and that you will find the tools to help yourself I know you can do it! trust your inner strenght xx  
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    • Posted

      I am on antidepressants yeah, I've been on them for about five months now, I'd say they "take the edge off" and coupled with the counselling I feel like I can cope with my depression but the real dark days are starting to get more regular again, it's like I can feel it creeping back but I so don't want to be back in that place, I don't trust myself there now. 

      thank you for your belief Stevo smile I very much appreciate it, I hope things can improve rather than slip! xx

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    • Posted

      keep the faith maybe see your doc about a higher dose sometimes people build up a tolerance ? Your health piece of mind is the main thing take care!
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