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Feeling sad and gloomy begun three and a half years ago, however I felt as it was completely normal because it was something everyone goes through.
This sadness hasn't stopped though, it keeps coming back and majorly affects me. I have a few ideas why it's getting worse, one thing is that I hate change. I hate the thought of changing and moving to a new area and beginning to lose contact from friends. I don't think that's the major cause to my problem. Slowly from the three and a half years, I've lost interest in everything I've done. Nothing really excites me anymore, when I do smile I try to be genuine to ensure everyone that I'm okay. The only good emotion is portray is sadness and crying. Lots of crying. But that is shown behind closed doors.
I am a very introverted person. I hate when attention is on me only because I've rarely experienced it. This is why I absolutely do not want to tell anyone what I'm feeling. But I know one day bottling all these thoughts and emotions is going to make me have a breakdown. Telling my parents to help me won't do the job either, as much as I love my parents they are closed minded. Before, my sister was diagnosed with depression and my parents didn't think something mentally was wrong with her. I'm 'supposedly' the golden-child. They may not even believe that I can have those kind of feelings.
So I'm stuck. I refuse to tell anyone my problems. Because for once I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I don't like experiencing that. It sounds terrible but my mind has worked like that for years. It's better when I live life behind the shadows and not being the centre of attention. Even with people around me, I feel desperately alone.
I'm sorry for this long message, I'm just confused and I don't even know what to do.
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