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I need help to help someone.....

Posted , 6 users are following.

Lilianna
Lilianna

This is prob a silly question but I'm wondering if there is any way you can get someone to see they have depression or get help for it if they are in complete denial? 

I am 100% sure my partner has depression. Other people in his family think so too but he won't listen to anyone. He is turning a lot of peoples lives upside down with his behaviour. He is literally wrecking my life and the lives of our 3 very young children but I don't think he can see what he is doing. I don't know what I can do to make him see he needs help because he's completely turned against me out of the blue. Nothing even happened, it just seemed like he snapped one day.

I wonder did anyone ever say something to you that made you realise you needed help, and if so what was it? I don't know what to say or how to act over this but it's really getting me down, any help would be greatly appreciated.

0 likes, 15 replies

15 Replies

  • carmel83758
    carmel83758 Lilianna

    Posted

    What makes you say he has depression> Maybe he has anxiety or a personality disorder/ They would be more likely to turn other peoples lives up side down and that would explain why he insists there is nothing wrong.
    • Lilianna
      Lilianna carmel83758

      Posted

      Well he said a few weeks ago that he thought he had depression to me and his mum, now he's completely denying it. I have thoroughly researched depression and he has every symptom. And I mean every one. It's very sad. 
    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 Lilianna

      Posted

      There are different forms of depression so the symptoms will vary according to which form it is. Which form are you saying he has and what are the symptoms for this.
    • Lilianna
      Lilianna carmel83758

      Posted

      I was mostly researching male depression. I don't think he could be bipolar or have anxiety. I'm not sure about personality disorders to be honest because I don't know anything about them. 

      He is completely miserable and has been tearful at times. His over riding emotion seems to be angry. Lashing out at people. He's been completely irrational on things he's said, I don't know if it's because he fast given any forethought to what he's saying or to him it seems rational. He has no interest at all in our children. Won't do anything with them. He's been drinking A LOT. He's compulsively working, it seems that's the only thing he hasn't lost interest in. He's very verbally abusive, controlling and has a massive ego at the minute. He also has had very bad back and foot pain which the doctors couldn't find a cause for and pain killers didn't work on, I didn't know that physical pain with no explanation was a sign of depression in me until I researched it. 

      Like I said he also told me and his mum he had depression, but then said he didn't when we pressed the matter further. He also said to his mum 'you will find me hanging' which just isn't normal and I'm desperate to help him. It's hard tho when he puts me down so much and blames me (and others) for all his problems. I'm completely at a loss as to what to do. 

      Also I should add he's left the family home. It's like he just ran away with everything. He lost a really close friend who was only in his 40's recently and since he's left I've found out he is in a lot of debt, I don't know how much tho. I was thinking these could be triggers for depression. 

    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 Lilianna

      Posted

      If the main thing is anger then this is why he will not admit he has a problem. He thnks he is entitled to be angry and does not want that to stop. To him being told he is wrong or changing it means he cannot feel better. Whether his anger is justified or whether he is misjudging someone are irrelevant to him because right now he needs to vent that anger and it serves a purpose for him. If he is in a lot of debt this must have happened somehow. Debt does not suddenly descend on you. MAYBE he was spending way beyond his means and the debts are the results of this. People with anxiety problems tend to do this. But narcisists and people with bipolar do it also.
    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 Lilianna

      Posted

      Mine did the same thing used work as a distraction, he's now lost his job and we are facing reposession and bancruptcy, he's an Accountant!  Money and posessions don't matter his health does but he's run away escapism is another means of not dealing with issues.  He's been left almost 10 mnths and has deteriorated, he now has anxiety attacks but can't seem to decide whether it's arthritis or being spooked!  It's very diffcult for men to admit, physical aches and pains can be part of it. 

      There can be many triggers, mine was bullied at work which tipped him ove rthe edge.  You are not to blame, they come out with all sorts of weird and wonderful things, you have to try and separate the illness from the person.

      Mine went because he said he's become this mean cold person, didn't want to hurt me but has hurt all of us, it's destroying our entire family and he feels a lot of anger and resentment and lashes out at any mention of his MH issues. 

      You could be guessing what he's suffering from forever, I've done enough research to do another degree.  The only person who can provide the answers is your partner but he may not know himself.

      I've been ill too with anxiety and agrophbia and I remember lashing out, I did so because I was frightened.

      Running away is normal as is needing space, look after your children and use them as a distraction to keep yourself busy it's not easy.

      Jackie x

  • robin77577
    robin77577 Lilianna

    Posted

    Hello Llilianna,

    Sorry to hear your family is going through this rough time. Depression not only affects the person which is a terrible feeling for him, but also everyone associated with him.

    Do you have a minister  or priest, good friend, brother, sister, doctor...whose advice he would respect? It isn't fair to children in particular to be the victims of his bad temper...or however he is 'wrecking your lives'.

    How about an intervention where all of you show up and express your concern  for him and give him advice to see a psychologist and his doctor? He may be very upset and feel that everyone is conspiring against him and he may bolt...but it could bring him around. 

    Hitting rock bottom may be your last resort. Telling him that you are going for help and if he doesn't join you, the marriage is in serious jeopardy. That might push him to get go with you to see the doctor.

    If he is seriously 'wrecking your lives' in that he is abusive; verbally or physically, he should leave, get the help he needs and then you can go to counselling together to facilitate reintegration.

    There is such a stigma attached to mental illness. It must be hard for him to admit  even to himself that he is in a dark, depressing hole. Have you asked him point blank if he is suicidal? He may need to be hospitalized.

    It could be burn out in which case he may need time off work. My otherwise cheerful, accomplished, saleswoman daughter was pushing herself too hard, at work at 5:45 every day (and got top sales across the country) but at a great expense...her health. She was crying easily, not able to work without anxiety, felt very fragile. She could still function and really people might not have realised how she was suffering...but it was real and debilitating. She was off work for months and with medication and therapy has been back at work now for 8 months and is her old self again. But now, she has learned to listen to her body and mind and to pace herself. She doesn't have to be number 1.

    I  hope that your husband admits he has a problem and seeks help soon for his sake but also for you and your families. 

  • jackie82937
    jackie82937 Lilianna

    Posted

    Hi Lilianna

    I really sympathise but not much you can do until he realises he has a problem, admits and asks for helps himself.

    I am 14 months down the line and have tried everything to help and support my husband into getting help, he has refused help from our GP, a couples Psychotherapist and more recently the Mental Health Crisis Team who he told the sessions he had with a psychologist at our GP's surgery were useless yet told me the guy had helped sort his head!  He has also refused help from a Psychiatrist. 

    Protect yourself and your kids, my daughter is really ill as a result of this and she is 19, she has also tried to help and it has been thrown back in her face this has left her devastated, I've told her to stop beating herself up about it, there really is nothing any of us can be except be there if and when he asks for help from us.

    Your partner has to help himself even if sadly that means watching him hit rock bottom, nothing you or anyone including professionals can do unless he is likely to harm himself or others!   I read a book which said even the professionals have to distance themselves and get frustrated when patients refuse to help themselves.

    If you want to private message me please do I have had a lot of support, so happy to help, look after yourself. Jackie x

    • carmel83758
      carmel83758 jackie82937

      Posted

      Unfortunately the professionals do have to distance themselves from

      patients (clients if they are seeing them privately) otherwise they would never have a second to themselves and go totally loopy. And it would not be fair on the other patients who are less selfish.

    • jackie82937
      jackie82937 carmel83758

      Posted

      I can't say as I blame them it must be so frustrating, it would seem it's right that depression is contagious.  I am even begining to feel sorry for my husband's boss who said he is his own worst enemy.

      I met a really nice guy who is schitzophrenic through a carers group his wife is his carer and she now to has depression so I can see why it's important to keep a safe distance. 

      I agree on your point about other patients who are less selfish too, people either want to get better or they don't.

      It really helps hearing other people's perspectives and gives families who are tying to help a better understanding, thanks Carmel.  Jackie x

  • Guest
    Guest Lilianna

    Posted

    You are not alone. It is recorded that some with depression can react in this way. And it is devastating. There has been a trigger but you may never know what that is because it is not related to you, your family or anyone else you know unless you have any knowledge of someone he feels close to and may confide in.

    Depression comes in a number of forms; each one of us may experience some difference.  Your situation is very difficult to handle and I believe you should seek professional help. While that would normally be from your GP and/or psychiatrist the better approach IMO would be gained from a psychologist. Using psychology could be the key you need to get behind that wall he has erected.

    If you cannot get this help then somehow, difficult as that is you need to remove yourself and your children from your home for a period. This may sound drastic, and it is, but it is a sort of shock treatment that may be necessary to bring him to realise that there is something very wrong with his life. Before disregarding this do think about the future if you do not act. I hope that you can get the professional help you clearly need.

  • Callamatie
    Callamatie Lilianna

    Posted

    Hi Lilianna,

    I read below on your husbands symptoms, and to me it sounds alot like bipolar disorder. Look up the symptoms of bipolar and see what you think.

    He could also be having a breakdown after the loss of his friend, or maybe something else is going on.

    I think you need to be supportive and just say to him that you are there if he wants to talk to you.

    Try not to take it personally, he is obviously going through something bad right now, and men often find it harder to express their feelings.

    I know it must be hard on you, and your family too.

    There are helplines and websites that are good at helping familys of those with depression for example 'mind' you might find helpful.

    Good luck & take care x

  • Mercybemine
    Mercybemine Lilianna

    Posted

    Lilianna, i,m no professional and dont prétend to be, it is awful to lie to à loved one but in your case it maybe necessary? Take you felleh doctors on pretence of whatever and let your doctor know beforehand? Let your doctor look him over And i,m sure he will know thé answers you are réaching for. Wish you luck angel 
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