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I've had anxiety as far back as I can remember. I know my first anxiety attack was back when I was 8 years old. My body would get so itchy I'd have to take all my clothes off and I'd just stand there and cry. In middle school it got really bad. I was being bullied and harassed by more than half my grade every day and that's when I started therapy, I was 13 years old. I've been in and out of therapy and trying to find new doctors ever since. When I was 18 I started my first year of college, two months later one of my closest friends died, two months after that I lost my grandmother who practically raised me, three months later I lost my uncle whom I was also very close to. I ended up gaining a bunch of weight and being really unhappy with myself and my life. I ended up dropping out of college and shortly thereafter the guy I was engaged to ended the engagement. Since then it's been different therapists, different medication, and different coping mechanisms but nothing seems to be helping. I've been classified as having severe general and social anxiety, manic depression, and severe insomnia. Lately I've begun to notice that I think my mental illnesses are preventing me from doing just about anything. I keep signing up for school and then dropping out before I make it to my first class, I have a list of doctor appointments to make that I just keep setting off even though I know I need to make them and want to make them, I can't will myself to exercise even though I know when I do it makes me feel better and I'll lose weight, I can't will myself to eat healthy even though there's a chance that I have a gluten intolerance, and even when I have the absolute perfect job I do something to throw it all away within either a day or a few months. I'm 22 years old. I've been in therapy for almost 10 years. I've tried most things but I'm still struggling with every day tasks that I need to get done. For a whole year every morning that I had to wake up to go to work I would vomit. My whole life it's been one sickness after another. I had 8 sinus infections in one year. I get bronchitis mono strep and the flu every year multiple times a year. I have pretty severe stomach problems and I'm beginning to think this all stems from my anxiety. I've even thought maybe I self sabotage my jobs because I know my parents will support me but last year I had my own apartment and still couldn't hold down a job. I even knew I was not doing the right thing by quitting all my jobs and started lying to my family and long term boyfriend that I was getting fired all the time. I lash out uncontrollably and irrationally with the people closest to me and don't mean to. This is not me, this is not the person I want to be. This is some twisted version of myself that keeps dragging herself down. I know I have what it takes to finish school and get a good degree. I know I have what it takes to look the way I want and feel the way I want. I know I have what it takes to stick to a healthy gluten free diet. I know I don't mean the things I say when I lash out but say them anyway. I don't want to be like this but it's like no matter what I do I'm stuck. I'm just feeling really lost and would really like some guidance and advice.
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