I need to heal before it too late.

I know I want change and I need help.. because I'm reaching out instead of holding in my frustrations and anger. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I don't want to kill myself because I have children and I don't want them to suffer. My children the only reason I'm still breathing. I been dealing with a lot of bald up emotions since childhood. But my depression came from different stages in my life. As a child I felt neglected, ugly, and alone. That didn't bother me too much. I started having children, I have three babies dads and three children. Neither one take care of their children. I'm my only support. I can't really ask anybody for help because every bodies depending on me. I have shut most of my family out my life because I was really close to a few anyway. Someone killed my favorite go to cousin and I have been the same since. We were like siblings for the most part, we grew up together. He wasn't a bad guy at all every body loved him. Then I loss my sister eight months later. She had been sick for a long time so I was prepared for her death a lil more than my cousin death because it was suddenly. I could talk to them two about anything and didn't have to worry about no judgmental. I was grieving terrible after he passed, I came depress and felt myself dieing and hated the world. That when I've realize family don't care like they say they do. My cousin been dead over 5 years and my family act as if they couldn't come together to get him a headstone. I mention couple times to collect the money together to buy him one, nobody didn't say nothing else about it. That took a toll on me, I wanted to buy it myself but haven't really been financially stable. Taking care all my bills, children expenses and helping my mom. But fast forward to present stage. I'm now trying to get myself together. I'm taking my folks death a lil easier now, but everything is still falling apart in my life. My kids older they need more, I'm barely getting 40 hours on my job. And really I cant survive with just 40hours. I can't pay my rent on time most months. It like I see the light in the tunnel but I'm stuck and can't find my way. So much trying to hold me down. My son only 5 but he acting out of because he want his dad. And I cant make nobody be their if they dont want to be. I'm crying out for help that all I know, I'm mentally tired and I don't how long I can take of this. If this the life God plan for me I wish I was never born. If you can seriously help give me advice I would love to be inspired. ~Peace and Blessings

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