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I have battled now for many years struggling with depression among many other issues life throws at us. I can't seem to get past this darkness that is consuming my soul. I'm tired of living anymore. Ive distanced myself from everyone in my life, my friends, my family, my responsibilities, work and even from myself not wanting to impose my negativity on anyone else. I struggle everyday coming to terms with life and the reality in which we perceive it to be and how things are meant to be. My life is a endless spiral on a path of self destruction and pain brought on by my own unwillingness to let go of the past and to embrace the future for whatever it may be. I do not want to die. I do not want anyone to die either. That's been a hard pill for me to swallow considering all my best friends from when I was younger are all dead and buried. Most of my family is dead or dying. I myself have been sick for over a year now with some kind of illness which I cannot get rid of. I have been on numerous different antibiotics this past year and there's only been one that has worked and it is now stopped working and my symptoms are coming back. I have other issues in my life which I will refrain from disclosing because I know we all have our own issues in which we struggle with and I do not want to come off as being overly dramatic so I'll keep it as simple as simple can be, which is kind of contradictory in terms with who I am because I am far from simple sadly, I envy those with simple lives who enjoy the simpler things in life. I do not seem to enjoy anything at all anymore except doing the things that will kill me, get me in trouble or completely destroy my life and body. I have no energy anymore, no motivation or will to succeed. I have stayed single now by choice for 3 entire years. I have not wanted to impose my issues onto anyone else especially those in which I care for, as well as fear of losing someone after I develop love for them. My last relationship lasted 5 years and it ended on a very bad note and it completely destroyed me and who I was at the time and I have never been right since, I couldn't handle anything like that again I would not survive it. It's caused me to shut out anyone who gets too closed to me. I have had to push away alot of people over the years and they have all taken it personal which weighs on me even more because it was never that way, it's me that's the issue. I do not know what I'm looking for or expecting by coming here. I don't expect anyone to waste anymore of their time on me then has all ready happened and if no one reads this it will not bother me I am far past the point of caring anymore. But this was my last way of being able to express what iam going through to anyone else at all in this world because I talk to no one about my issues ever and I am running out of ideas of how to get myself and my life together before I do something stupid that I might not ever have the chance to regret. I feel this was more of a way to relieve myself off some of these feelings of anguish that I couldn't get rid of no matter what I did and I thank anyone who takes the time to read this if anyone does at all. I appreciate more than you'll ever know. Cause I'm on my last leg and I don't know what to do to get out of this grave Iam digging myself, I don't want to have to be buried In it. There's so much more inside me but not ever enough time this is barely the top of my ice Berg. I hope you are all doing ok and that you find happiness in this cold world. We all deserve to be happy.
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