I no longer want to keep on living it seems, I just want to give up and die I'm so deeply depressed

Posted , 5 users are following.

I have battled now for many years struggling with depression among many other issues life throws at us. I can't seem to get past this darkness that is consuming my soul. I'm tired of living anymore. Ive distanced myself from everyone in my life, my friends, my family, my responsibilities, work and even from myself not wanting to impose my negativity on anyone else. I struggle everyday coming to terms with life and the reality in which we perceive it to be and how things are meant to be. My life is a endless spiral on a path of self destruction and pain brought on by my own unwillingness to let go of the past and to embrace the future for whatever it may be. I do not want to die. I do not want anyone to die either. That's been a hard pill for me to swallow considering all my best friends from when I was younger are all dead and buried. Most of my family is dead or dying. I myself have been sick for over a year now with some kind of illness which I cannot get rid of. I have been on numerous different antibiotics this past year and there's only been one that has worked and it is now stopped working and my symptoms are coming back. I have other issues in my life which I will refrain from disclosing because I know we all have our own issues in which we struggle with and I do not want to come off as being overly dramatic so I'll keep it as simple as simple can be, which is kind of contradictory in terms with who I am because I am far from simple sadly, I envy those with simple lives who enjoy the simpler things in life. I do not seem to enjoy anything at all anymore except doing the things that will kill me, get me in trouble or completely destroy my life and body. I have no energy anymore, no motivation or will to succeed. I have stayed single now by choice for 3 entire years. I have not wanted to impose my issues onto anyone else especially those in which I care for, as well as fear of losing someone after I develop love for them. My last relationship lasted 5 years and it ended on a very bad note and it completely destroyed me and who I was at the time and I have never been right since, I couldn't handle anything like that again I would not survive it. It's caused me to shut out anyone who gets too closed to me. I have had to push away alot of people over the years and they have all taken it personal which weighs on me even more because it was never that way, it's me that's the issue. I do not know what I'm looking for or expecting by coming here. I don't expect anyone to waste anymore of their time on me then has all ready happened and if no one reads this it will not bother me I am far past the point of caring anymore. But this was my last way of being able to express what iam going through to anyone else at all in this world because I talk to no one about my issues ever and I am running out of ideas of how to get myself and my life together before I do something stupid that I might not ever have the chance to regret. I feel this was more of a way to relieve myself off some of these feelings of anguish that I couldn't get rid of no matter what I did and I thank anyone who takes the time to read this if anyone does at all. I appreciate more than you'll ever know. Cause I'm on my last leg and I don't know what to do to get out of this grave Iam digging myself, I don't want to have to be buried In it. There's so much more inside me but not ever enough time this is barely the top of my ice Berg. I hope you are all doing ok and that you find happiness in this cold world. We all deserve to be happy.

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  • Posted

    Hello Blackholesun

    We all stumble through life making errors and upsetting those whom we love, eventually we find that these errors can become something that lives on its own negativity and we end up with regrets of the decisions and attitudes we have imparted on others who we have loved. We all need to try and accept the damage we have caused. Then try and put these selfish negative problems to rest and possibly say sorry for what we have done and try to put things right

    In the first instance talk to your GP, He may be able to suggest a course of treatment that will help you square the circle of what has past over your lifetime.

    What I can advise is look at each problem in small bites and sort each bite out until you have managed to sort out that problem. If you get stuck try looking at a further concern that needs attention, the small bites will make the problems less sizable and the problems are easier to sort out. Proceed through the whole negative concerns you have in your life.until you feel that all  your problems are sorted and you feel at peace once more with those you have lost or upset

    I had to make some very big changes in my life to get  my life in some form of order. I had to walk away from family to lighten my load, we moved and now live out in the country with large garden and orchard.

    Look for diversions in your life to give some form of respite for you and your problems, I do something similar and it can work, in my case health problems cause much negativity and to divert my thoughts does help

    Remember this is a wonderful period of the year to sort out past problem, or even just starting to put things right

    Try Mindfulness Relaxation Technique that may help you relax and come to terms with those problems you seem to have. 

    You need to understand many problems you may have may be problematic and bad to solve, do your best and put your concerns to rest



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  • Posted

    Thats a lot to take in, no wonder you feel the way you feel! i feel like we came from the same peapod. We really are our own worst enemy. You should find something that makes you feel good after you do it, I found this really helped me in my darkest times. For example, about 2 years ago I was in a really dark place, I was given a glass bead making kit, I kid you not after making like 10 beads I realized everytime I made something weather I was happy with the outcome or not I felt really good that I was able to  do this thing that was so foreign to me. Maybe you can try an instrument or something. Sometimes we cant get through things on our own, we're human and the human body and brain are complex things. Talk to your doctor, maybe a therapist. Everyone needs a little help. Coming from someone that really doesn't like talking to a therapist- it does help. Even if just a little. Good luck! I really really hope you came find the strength in yourself to do something good for yourself. After that things will come to you, maybe even love. But "you can't pour from an empty cup" so please take care of yourself. And please stay in touch on here. I have found some awesome support here and we wanna do the same for you. 

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    • Posted

      Thank you for taking the time and commenting. It is good to know that I am not alone. I can be surrounded by people and still feel very alone. It's refreshing to have people that can truly understand. I appreciate you. Thanks.

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  • Posted

    it pains me to see you in such a dark place. talking about your issues helps a lot. i hope you can confide in someone. a stranger is often the best person to. its just good to let it all out you know. I am seeing a therapist and even I can't tell her everything. 

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    • Posted

      Yeah it is good to be able to talk with people who understand. Not many people I'm surrounded by In my life do. They try but they just don't get it. thanks for your taking the time to comment. It's much appreciated.

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