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5 weeks ago my wife of 10 years took a massive overdose in order to kill herself. This was full intention of dying and not a cry for help. She's suffered for several years with what the doctor thought was depression and anxiety. On discharge the hospital told us they'd been extremely worried and that we were lucky she's still with us.
This came about the day after she confessed to a brief, non-sexual affair, where she'd gone gone for a drink a few times with another man and ended up kissing him each time. She claims she didn't find him attractive and that he wasn't a nice guy at all. She can't explain why she did it. She's getting various therapies at the moment and the therapists says the affair is likely linked to a mental health disorder that they have yet to diagnose. The guilt of this led to her trying to take her own life. She's still a huge danger to herself when she gets down, I've twice had to contact her emergency raid team for help. On one of these occasions she's had to be taken in to hospital for a check over. She says she's struggling to have any emotions a lot of the time, that it takes a huge effort to feel normal. When things get stressful she quickly spirals downwards. She's self harming, scratching words into her legs. She's clearly unwell but she is getting the help she needs.
The problem is I am not coping well. I've forgiven her and I am being understanding to why she did what she did. We are trying to rebuild things and as you can imagine the trust is going to take a lot of work on.
I now feel I may be suffering with depression. I constantly feel on the edge of crying, I anger easily, I'm irritable, I over analyse everything she says and does. I've become very needy for reassurance from her which annoys her. I'm supposed to keep a brave face on for her given the danger she is to herself but the mask keeps slipping. She knows I'm suffering but she's not sympathetic. She just says I should see the doctor and that she can't keep pulling me back up as she's enough to deal with herself, and I agree. I don't feel suicidal and I doubt I would hurt myself but I honestly feel that I would be better off dead. I struggle to sleep, and I sometimes hope I won't wake up again if I do go to sleep.
I do forgive her but the hurt is crippling me. I've taken a few online tests that all point to moderate/severe depression but I'm not sure if the way I feel is just because of the recent and extremely traumatic events. I'm terrified that I'll drive her over the edge. I know I need to pull myself together for her but I'm struggling.
I don't really know what I'm asking here, I guess I just had to write it down as I can't discuss it properly with her and I don't want to discuss it with friends either who may judge her on the affair.
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