i think i must be depressed?

five years ago after an attack i had ptsd, and before that i had something where all my muscles clamped hard, now i have a chronic ear thing a weird heart thing and constant joint pains nerve pains muscle pains. just pains. my mind is starting to get foggy. i have been to all the doctors at teh practice over the last five years, one told me i didnt have an inner ear, one gave me epilepsy medication which i didnt take, for my ear infection, another tested for arthritis which i dont have i had blood tests everything was fine. i have this heart thing where my heart just goes mentla especially if i am woken suddenly from sleep, and they didnt even listen with teh stethascope to hear it they just said its normal. i am tired, foggy, disorientated, sometimes dizzy. and trying to treat this myself i cant even go back to those doctors because i am just so angry. sometimes i wake up angry at them. i know theres no point. so i will go to someone else when i get the chance, but i dont drive and ive been to everyone wihtin walking distance. i have also got a really bad memory, i dont sleep well or at proper times so i can almost never get up for the one bus of the day which goes to another town. not consistently enough to be confident to make an appointment elsewhere. its been five years of trying to be able to wake up in the morning, drink enough water, remember to eat enough, force myself outside to go for a walk, and i feel i am failing miserably. 

i know the cure for all of this is to take care of myself, to eat really well, to drink hot lemon water and meditate at six am and drink cabbage juice. whenever i have done these things it has made things better. but i just feel so fuzzy headed and stressed out. my eyesight is getting abd, my ears are constantly ringing and itching and feel like creepy crawlies in them, ive tried self medicating with some online remedies which were aweful. tea tree oil in my ear my god i have never felt such pain, 

i went to an osteopath who sorted out a whiplash injury i didnt know i have. that was nice. and she told me to take magnesium which has helped with the heart thing and spasms of the muscles. but my head is in agony, my sinuses, i cant think straight. my spine crunches and spasms and pops and crackles and feel like its going to snap, i feel like i have the flu all teh time, i have random pains shooting through all parts o f my body for no reason. and a bruised feeling pops up in places i dont even use! i just dont know what to do. i cant go abck to the doctor i will punch her if she tells me i am fine again i cant even consider going back there. 

i noticed loads of people saying they struggle on with housework etc, and for ages i did that, just having a nap and then forcing myself onwards with adrenaline, but then i realised my adrenaline was all over the place rushes and then exhaustion so ive stopped pushing myself so hard on fumes. and the house is a mess, dinner is usually one pot stew cos thatseasiest and healthiest, and tea is usually crap like a packet of bicciesbecause ijust feel so crap. 

i have never ocnsidered myself depressed because my brain always seemed ok. but now i feel it barely works. if i have to do anything or go anywhere it stresses me out so much, i feel confused and conflicted about everything. like walk teh dog, but ishould do ten other things so i just do none of them. ive kept going and going and now i just cant even think. my mind hasnt snapped but its bowed out of the game. its gone to sleep and left me here to figure it out. 

i dunno i will give a thousand times good sensible advice to anyone on here like i am on some high horse but in reality i am not taking my own advice. and im so p****d off with myself, but at the same time i cant motivate myself to give a s**t. thats depression right. i think i should admit that however long i managed to stay ok i am actually depressed at this point. 

i am a single mom and alone is not teh word. i barely speak to anyone except my kids from one month to teh next. i stopped social media and cut off a load of friends because my freinds were drama addicts and i had to get away from teh drama which is good. and social media. well when you dont talk to people you end up writing really long threads and people automatically take offence to any long thread ...its a rant...you are angry.... because you wrote mroe than a two line cheery smiley face spatttered thing. so nobody wants that conversation obviously. keep it light and breezy. so i just got so much negative ...actually when i changed my gender to male that stopped happening. weirdly. but i still stopped doing social media because i was just seeing everyone doing all these fun things and i am like ..well my achievement today was remembering to drink water.... or i managed to go for a twenty minute walk... stupid things which i sometimes feel proud about but in comparison to the lives other people seem to be living is just the lowest of the low and i didnt want to be comparing myself all teh time. 

so now i am just this old lady in an anorach trying to light a fire to keep us warm in one room of a cold house. trying to make a healthy dinner. just getting through the days really. there doesnt seem to be any forward progress. ive just been trying and failing for years to get a grip, get on top of teh basics of surviving. trying to tidy up, trying and trying and i am so tired of it. 

i really miss hiking. i miss feeling like ok teh housework is done i can have abath and relax, the homework is done so well theres nothing to worry about i can read a book. or learn a new skill. or i am so on top of my sleep schedule that i can make an appointment to go to a class and ill remember to go to it. over the years i have booked classes and set reminders written things on the walls even one day i had a freind here and i got ready in the morning to go to this singing class, kept looking at my watch all day saying four hours to go, two hours to go, half an hour to go, i just sat at the door looking at my watch for the last half hour because i didnt want to miss it, or forget, and when i got there i was half an hour late and too late to join, i had misread teh time. this kind of thing happens so often. i will show up on the wrong day, or the wrong time, or the wrong place. my mind just doesnt work. i am intellegent but i cant get my head around this basic simple thing and i dont know why or whats wrong with me. i am middle aged, i shouldnt have senile dementia, and i dont think anyone would diagnose me as having something mentally wrong with me. i am just disorganised, or something. 

i say all the wrong things to people so i just have stopped talking to people. i offer to do something and its taken as imposing, i used to stop people when i first moved here and say hi, i love your shoes where idd you get them and people would just give a short answer and walk off. or keep walking like "busy busy" i tried to get involved in a few things but id show up at teh wrong time to help with some farming event and id say well can i help you today and get a no thanks. i would ask people questions about themselves or ask for help as per teh "how to win friends and influence people" advice, and just i dunno. so i dont know. ive had visitors say theres a weird vibe around here, so maybe its not me, people have walked down the town and come back and said whats up with this place people do not nod back at you like in other places. i even find the city far more friendly when i go up there people at bus stops and things will chat to you whereas everyone seems to have their head down here. its hard to not think its me. and i would like to get out of here but i have so much to do, so much stuff, i dont know how i will clear it all out to move. or afford someone with a van to get me somewhere else. and even then where do you go? to some other box on some other street in the same situation. 

this is depression isnt it? all this going on in my head till my head feels paralysed and things seem pointless, goals seem impossible. i mean in general i think of myself as a positive person, but this doesnt seem right, whatever i think of myself as, that doesnt seem to be whats going on. 

someone judge me here because i have obviously lost al ot of perspective. in this vacuum. 

0 likes, 4 replies