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So I'm new to this. I never thought I would discuss anything on a forum especially regarding what I think is my depression as I have never discussed this with anyone before.
I am 16 years old and never really had a friend. I suppose it's because I never really fitted in. It's not that I'm socially awkward or people dislike me but I haven't ever wanted one. I never felt the need for a friend nor anyone to talk to. I guess I'm just a loner.
I have had crushes before yet never felt the urge to get to know them. I have forced myself to go to parties or hang out with people but have dreaded every minute of it.
Im not entirely sure when it started but I have been upset for so long it feels abnormal when I'm happy. I have a few problems at home such as my dad being an ass and my mum being miserable all the time but I know that neither of these things are the cause of my depression.
My largest problem however is that I have a lack of caring for things. For example I never cared about what happened in the world or what happened in my future which has caused a huge lack of effort in everything I do especially school work.
Despite my shortage of enthusiasm I do enjoy many things such as reading, writing, drawing, music, guitar... and cutting myself. Like most self harmers I cut myself when I am very upset which happens to be quite often however I do it because I get this strange sensation of excitement that makes me happier. I don't cut my wrists nor anywhere that is easily visible so I usually just cut my chest or thighs.
As I said previously I have never spoken about this and know one in my life has any clue about my problems. Most people just think I'm some sinical, loner kid who thinks he's too cool for everything.
The only real relationship I have ever had with anyone is my mother who happens to be the only person I really care about.
Lastly there have been only two circumstances where I have been beyond miserable and have very seriously contemplated suicide.
One of them was when I father left my mother. You see my dad as well as being an ass is an admirer of attractiveness which my mother used to be but after having two children and going through cancer he decided she wasn't good looking enough for him so he left and practically started another family within 2 months.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the other one.
I guess I'm writing this because I have kept all this a secret for years and it feels so good to share it but does anyone know what exactly is wrong with me and how to fix it?
P.S. Sorry it is so long as these are things that I have been wondering for the past few years.
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