I've been depressed for so long it seems normal yet desperate to be normal

Posted , 5 users are following.

So I'm new to this. I never thought I would discuss anything on a forum especially regarding what I think is my depression as I have never discussed this with anyone before.

I am 16 years old and never really had a friend. I suppose it's because I never really fitted in. It's not that I'm socially awkward or people dislike me but I haven't ever wanted one. I never felt the need for a friend nor anyone to talk to. I guess I'm just a loner.

I have had crushes before yet never felt the urge to get to know them. I have forced myself to go to parties or hang out with people but have dreaded every minute of it.

Im not entirely sure when it started but I have been upset for so long it feels abnormal when I'm happy. I have a few problems at home such as my dad being an ass and my mum being miserable all the time but I know that neither of these things are the cause of my depression.

My largest problem however is that I have a lack of caring for things. For example I never cared about what happened in the world or what happened in my future which has caused a huge lack of effort in everything I do especially school work.

Despite my shortage of enthusiasm I do enjoy many things such as reading, writing, drawing, music, guitar... and cutting myself. Like most self harmers I cut myself when I am very upset which happens to be quite often however I do it because I get this strange sensation of excitement that makes me happier. I don't cut my wrists nor anywhere that is easily visible so I usually just cut my chest or thighs.

As I said previously I have never spoken about this and know one in my life has any clue about my problems. Most people just think I'm some sinical, loner kid who thinks he's too cool for everything.

The only real relationship I have ever had with anyone is my mother who happens to be the only person I really care about.

Lastly there have been only two circumstances where I have been beyond miserable and have very seriously contemplated suicide.

One of them was when I father left my mother. You see my dad as well as being an ass is an admirer of attractiveness which my mother used to be but after having two children and going through cancer he decided she wasn't good looking enough for him so he left and practically started another family within 2 months.

I don't feel comfortable sharing the other one.

I guess I'm writing this because I have kept all this a secret for years and it feels so good to share it but does anyone know what exactly is wrong with me and how to fix it?

P.S. Sorry it is so long as these are things that I have been wondering for the past few years.

1 like, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Wow, just realised how messed up that title is
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  • Posted

    Hi William, sorry your family life has been awful. I agree about your dad.

    Do you feel the need to have friends, as to appear normal? or sometimes you want companionship?  I think with your dad, it set the course for you keeping to yourself. Makes me really mad that he moved on within two months...

    Well, anyway I think you need to talk to a professional therapist.  Other than depression which is huge I don't think you are a sociopath or anything like that. I feel like you were alluding to that when you said you didnt care about the world. But sometimes when "our worlds" are falling apart it is hard to a care about anything like the world or your future,  good luck

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  • Posted

    I think your parents issues could easily be the root cause of your depression. There is no shame in recognising that. For a creative person, being open to (and affected) by the feelings and actions of others is both a blessing and a curse. 

    I would also like to say that your are, at the moment, at one of the hardest parts of your life. If you get through this bit, things will get easier.

    The apathy, desire to be alone, and the relative comfort you find in depression are all things I know well, and are common symptoms in most people's depression. They might not seem ideal when you feel like you should be doing better, but they are coping mechanisms, and not something you should be too hard on yourself about. Like the person above said - when you are struggling it is hard to focus on other peoples problems, and why should you have to?

    Your creative talents, your intelligence and your compassion for your mother are all things you should be proud of, and can build on for your future. One thing that really helps is to be kinder to yourself, on a minute by minute basis. It sounds simplistic, but listen to inner dialogue and the way you are self-critising, or comparing yourself to others in a particular moment, and simply dial it down. Harsh self criticism is self-perpetuating, and does much more harm than good. I hope any of that helps...

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  • Posted

    Wow this was so wierd to read.

    You are the same age and have the same name as me, and all your feelings you have explained are almost identical to mine.( Slight differences in family life but close) Ill keep it brief but talking on here is a great start, it has helped me. 

    The next step ( which im still working on) is talking to a doctor about your feelings.

    Hope your find some happieness and im sorry about Your Dad, that would really suck.

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