I've been diagnosed with depression when i was 15

Posted , 9 users are following.

I am now 35. I was hospitalised for while in my teens.

I suppose I learnt to live with it.  On and off different medication.  Mu mum was my rock and could usually tell if I was slipping before me and would drag me to the doctors.  I think she became a bit of a depression expert.

So have I really - if i had a pound for every drug, psychological treatment or self help book I have read I would be very rich. (I'm not)

I have also self medicated somewhat.

The 15th of October 2010 my mum died.  She left me and my eleven year old daughter. I had no brothers and sisters, no aunts and uncles, my dad was married to another woman and wasn't really interested. Her mum, my nan, was still alive.  I did my best to visit her in her home but she was so consumed with grief it made mine worse.  She died shortly after.

That left just me and my daughter.  since then every day has no point.  Every sucess doesnt mean what it used to.  I need her all the time.  What promted me to write was today, I was off sick from work and I woke to one of my bad knees (been bad since I was 15 but not too much of a problem) had swollen up and was agony.  I couldn't walk.

I was supposed to be popping to a prom dress hire shop with my daughter - there was no way i could drive.  Guilt for letting her down.  I called my partner to take me to a&e.  They think a bit of ligament has broken off and is causing the pain.  clinic appointment for 2 weeks time and some crutches.

I live on the THIRD floor with no lift.  i cant drive.  Tomorrow I am alone.  I was off work as I was depressed and i was coming off citalapram 40mg and going on to sertraline 100mg.  My mum died when I was 30.  I am 35.  I want my mum to come look after me.  she was my best friend and would always come to hospital appointments, or whatever I needed.

My friends are at work. I am so depressed at the moment the thought of work terrifys me.  I cannot do life with depression and without my mum. I honestly cannot do it anymore - what am I going to do - I want some proper help - something that will work!!

The last 5 years have been hell - I have been through a divorce. 2 home moves. a job change, a relationship break up that resulted in being thrown out and loosing 2 cats and a horse, my daughter having an eating disorder even though she is so beautiful and a size 8, fallen out with my best friend and no longer will her kids talk to me and they are like my own.

All i want is someone to take it all away.  or take me away.  What I would give for 5 weeks in the Priory. But no money. My partners at uni and i work for the NHS which unless you're above a doctor (I'm not) then you earn next to nothing.

I just tried to speak to my partner as he went to bed, (no point me going I wont be able to sleep) I said 'I really think I am very close to having a total breakdown and i need my mum'  as usual he said 'it'll be alright'.  Can do the practical stuff but cannot help me with my mind.

So instead of crying (although I am) I wrote this.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    What a sad story .... Hope you are ok today I your daughter needs you just like you needed your mom so try and be strong I'm sure your mom is with you in spirit x
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  • Posted

    Hello Sue, You have and are still dealing with so much. I feel you may benefit from Counselling, especially bereavement counsselling. You have a lot of pent up emotions and really need to deal with them and let go. Your mum was your best friend and cared for you in ways that no one else can and i would say hold on to your special memories, nobody can take them away  from you. Start living and look forward. I know what it's like being on crutches as i have spent many a time on them and been confined to the house due to lots of operations and very little help or support. Have you a neighbour that can pop in and see if there is anyway they can help or even for a coffee and chat. Do you know any mums fom your daughters school that can maybe pop by. When you are able do things for yourself that you used to enjoy. I am not saying not to enjoy being with your daughter but sometimes we need adult company a coffee out. Can your daughter go to stay with a school friend overnight occassionally to give you a break, you could do the same when you are able in return. If i knew someone in your position i would offer these things. Reach out to people for support, for friendships. I live alone and struggle with loneliness and partially disabled, i have now joined a couple of local meetups and have met some lovely people. I have been for lunches, cinema and coffee. I dont drive so life is limited with transport, i babysit for a neighbour and my grandkids and get alot of enjoyment from being a part of their lives. I hope you can find a way forward and meet people. Google local meet ups in your area it can open up a whole new world. 

    Best wishes.


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  • Posted

    Your story is so, so sad, my heart aches for you.  You make my troubles sound  inconsequential.  I am so sorry.

    I lost my Mum 5 years ago and I miss her terribly, so I understand what you are feeling.  She was always there for me, she even took me in when I ran away from the mental hospital I had been put in, and she refused to let them take me back.  She nursed me back to being a functioning human being.

    You say you self medicated - what form did that take?

    Please keep posting and let us know how you are.  I wish I could take away your pain.


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    • Posted

      Thank you Pat.

      I don't think anyone ever gets over th eloss of their mum, especially if you have a very close relationship.  I have been reading a lot lately about how much it changes you as a person when your mum dies.  I know it has changed me in so many ways.

      I have become head of the family (which is quite small just me and my daughter).  I don't feel I am strong enough.  I hate birthdays and Christmas as all the adverts come out with all the family sat round a big table, having dinner etc it breaks my heart I do not have that, and my daughter hasn't - although she does go to her dads every other year and he has a huge famlly and she has brothers and sisters.  I am so pleased she has a larger family than me.

      I have tried pretty much everything to self medicate, cannibis in my teens and then mostly prescription drugs.  I was addicted to codeine and tramadol for a long time when I had some gynae problems but I have eventually stopped taking them.  At least when i was taking them I could run the house, help my daughter and work full time (up at 5am back home at 6pm).  At the moment I am signed off sick.  I know I cannot work but I feel so guilty.  They also were looking to promate me but with all the problems that have come up over the last few weeks (I have to have an operation in June) I can't see it now.  They only employed me in Jan and I have had 3 weeks off already!  I really want to get to the point where I have enough money coming in to be comfortable - this is not the case right now.

      My mum very much nursed me right up until i was 29 when she became ill.  It is such a big loss - I'm so sorry to hear you have been through the same thing.

      I have woken worse today.  I have a phone consultation with the dr at 12 - i will keep him informed, luckily I have found a GP that specialises in depression.

      As for mums at the school I have never met any as I have always had to work. My daughter has always gone to breakfast and after school club, and now obviously she gets herself to and from school.

      I have a couple of friends who are very supportive but they work in the day, although one has just called to say she is going to pop in and check on me in her lunchbreak.

      I honestly hand on heart can say that if it didn't mean putting my daughter through what i went through then I don't think I would bother carrying on.  I have no pleasure in my life just darkness and loss.


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  • Posted

    Thank you for all your kind replies. They are really appreciated - it helps to talk to people who REALLY know what depression is like.

    Like i just said below i feel worse today.I see no pleasure in life just darkness and loss.   i hate life.  I am just here for my daughter. Slap that smile on and cry behind closed doors.

     I am not sure if I mentioned I was on 40mg of citalapram and have been straight swapped to 100mg sertaline - that was a week ago.


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  • Posted

    Hi sue

    Maybe it will take a while for the new med to kick in

    I'm on 80mg fluoxetine which is really good for me at the moment thank god I know how you feel must say I could not of worked full time how depressed I was also can't understand how people are close to their mom as I haven't had that

    Take care x

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    • Posted

      Thank you, I am hoping they kick in soon as work are already annoyed - I had a weeks annual leave, then was signed off sick this week and looking like I will be next week.

      Its always so difficult as 'depression' still seems to be a dirty word for employers.

      Thats sad that you never had that close relationship with your mum.  I hope you have some sort of strong female relationship in your life, someone who always has your best interest at heart.  And good friends.

      Pleased the fluoxetine is working for you - I couldn't go on more then 40mg without severe nausea.

      Thanks again x

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  • Posted

    I am really sorry about what is happening to you. I will pray for you and your family. Stay strong! You can do this! I would like to encourage you to write how you are feeling and also know that you are a beautiful person and will be able to overcome. If possible, call a hotline number in your community for help. They are counselors who you can speak with and they would be more than happy to help you.

    Be strong!

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  • Posted

    Hi Sue,

    I 'kind of' understand where you're coming from, as much as I can anyway.

    I'm 18, I live with my dad and haven't had contact with my mum since I was 10, when she left us. So I've almost had to grieve with no ending of closure if that makes sense?

    My dads helping me through depression as much as he can, although he's quite old fashioned and is finding it hard to come to terms with an illness that's not physical in so many ways!

    My friends are at work or college and because we're at the age where "depressed" is often used as an exaggerated term of feeling sad, they're not much help either

    I would definitely recommend counselling as others have said it's helping me and I'm also on 40mg fluoxetine

    Hope you get better soon :-) x

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