I want to run away but where to...?

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I've been self-managing depression for about 7 years when a lot of traumatic events happened all together. Dealt with them at the time and externally but quietly inside at home (I live alone) have fallen to pieces. Had another loss last month that has made me realise this cant go on and went to GP on Monday finally for help.

Most of people who know me have no idea how I feel. They seem to think I'm strong and capable. I make myself face situations whether social or otherwise that I really don't want to go to, my release was getting back to my home, my cat and my bed. Recently I have lost my 20 year old cat and am totally alone in my home and just hate being here so lonely and quiet. I want to run away forever but have no idea where to go or what to do... thinking back most of my life I have felt like this but have no sense of direction to run to.

Will a treatment for depression make this any better? Will talking about things really change anything?

Had a horrendous first night on Citalopram, vomited for hours, migraines, shakes etc - felt like having the worst flu, worst migraine and vomiting bug all at once. To boot I have been told I cant take my migraine medication that clashes with the SRRI to get any relief. Phoned GP and was told to make another appointment.

Someone please convince me this is worth the journey...

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  • Posted

    Ok, you say little about yourself, just the situation your in. Yes the journey is worth taking. Its hard, and for me, long. Have been here before (seriously depressed) a few times, but something good eventually always happens.... eventually.

    That said, I know I'm very fortunate, in that I have a very supportive family and partner........... its not always been like this though.

    My family didn't understand it when it first happened, luckily they do now.

    It is difficult, and its only in recent years that I can actually talk about it freely with them. It's a bit like they thought they where failing me, and that I wasn't making the effort........

    It still doesn't make it any easier when I'm at the bottom!, but..... Have learn't to ask for help from GP's etc.

    Bereavement of a pet, be it cat or dog, is one of the hardest. Some of the world see you as weak as its only a pet, but genuine pet owners understand that part of you, or the fact that part of your family have gone, when they pass away. Genuine people understand the loss, and some even reconise the free fall into depression.

    If the citalopram is not suiting you, go back to your GP, get counselling and different meds.

    Its easy for me to say that at the moment, coz I'm on the up.... but the despair is only a few steps away.

    What I'm trying to say is, get help, and if at first it does not work, seek further help

    Good luck, (and a big hug)

    M :wink: x

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  • Posted

    Hi Eden, i totaly understand wot u goin through and how u feel (im sure u thinkin here some1 else thats jst sayin this but i do). I suffered i silence 4 over 12 years and never talked 2 no 1 and lived a false life on the outside hidin behind the smiles pranks and jokin about, i used work as an excuse workin stupid hours (im a chef) so i wouldnt have 2 go home or slow down and feel the pain i was feelin inside tbh i was atrisk and a danger 2 myself. I had a very close friend i talked 2 and she was the only 1 she could read me like a book so it made things easier as i didnt have 2 say the words but she still new. I havent told any of my family about me, i am totaly on my own (my best m8 commited suicide icouldnt save her). Its only then i went 2 gp as i had a break down. I am on meds and i go 2 c a phycologist twice a week, iv still managed 2 keep this a secrate from my family and any1 i no, i can only talk 2 her.(Im not sayin this the right way 2 deal with this ilness but it is 4 me im not1 4 showin my feelings or a talker but it is hard sometimes impossible on your own and all u want 2 do is run, but the more help u can get the better we r all different). If the meds r not 4 u go back 2 your gp and tell them and c if they can b changed. They do take a while 2 work depending on how ill u r but try 2 hang in there and if u can talk 2 some 1 u feel comfortable with.

    U not on your own hope not gone on 2 much and it helps.

    Stay strong am happy 2 talk if ever u want 2. x

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  • Posted

    Thank you for your kind comments.

    Looking after my aged cat with his various medical issues the past 2-3 years had been what has kept me getting up in the mornings. I knew his death would be sink or swim for me in terms of depression. Its been sink.

    I'm still waiting for my GP to get back from holiday to discuss further medication or not. I've had a telephone assessment from the mental heath team who rate me as 'severe' and I have to wait about 3 months for talking therapy. In the meantime I have obsessively read much info/books about these drugs and am now totally confused abut whether to take ADs or not. I always react strongly to medication of any sort. I am a major migraine sufferer and this week has been hell with one after another. I veer from one day 'I'm not going to put that poison (ADs) in my head and suffer such vile side effects' to 'how the heck am I ever going to improve if I don't. I'm truly scared of the medication.

    I live on my own, I work self-employed at home, although not enough money coming in so I really should be job-seeking. I recognise being on my own so much isn't good for me but feel unable to connect with people and cant face going back to the workplace right now. I have in the past 3 weeks confided in one friend. I have an aged father but he would tell me to 'pull myself together and stop being weak' so I cant discuss it with him. I don't have any other close family. I find this SO hard to talk about to anyone. Heavens knows how I will be with a therapist.

    Feel like I have let the genie out of the bottle by speaking about this at all and am scared. But I have to have faith that it can get better and do something.

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  • Posted

    Hi Eden,

    I lost both my cats a few years ago, they were both 21 so I can understand how you feel. I didn't want another cat but then a friend of a friend sadly died and she had 2 cats who had to find a new home. It was the best thing I ever did. You can't replace your old friend but you can help give another cat a safe and loving home - think about it. My cats are always there to greet me and in return I look after them. Better than medication !

    Also try MIND or Sane to talk things over and pick a new path that can lead you slowly back to being in control and happiness.

    It is worth it - good luck

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  • Posted

    Hi Eden, and yes Jen is so right.

    I lost my beloved dog (well the last of 2 and for some reason the most important!) just over five years ago. Due to work comitments I was unable, and still am, to have another dog. For the first year or so it was just far too painful, the knowing that with the joy, there would always be the heart breaking time when they went. But I now so desperately would love another canine companion.

    As for talking to a therapist/counselor! Its easier than you think. They don't know you, or your past, and never (or should never) ever judge you. Its a way of talking out all your thoughts, however random, however bizzare, without an impact on your life, or friends or family.... unless you want it too!, by that I mean, the only people who knows what you think or feel, (outside the sessions) are the people YOU tell.

    For me it felt very strange, but also liberating, and made me accept that I'm not a freak, or weird, just was having a bad time at that point in life!

    Also, just about starting to accept, I'm not a bad person, never was.... it was just me putting myself down, and being far too critical and hard on myself...

    Sorry if that sounds a bit too strong (I still have bad days, and sad days) but am getting out of the house now, and have returned to work.

    I wish you well and hope you can muster the strength to face life again

    All the best M :wink:

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