I wish I could be positive again.

Posted , 3 users are following.

Ive been on cit for 3 years.

I dont know how to describe the way I feel. The only way I can describe it is I feel the most inferior to any adult you could ever meet.

my situation is a reflection of this. The way My mum and sister speak to me mirrors this. The way my boss is with me also reflects this and, why do words spin in my head, over and over?

At first i was doing ok. Now I am down in the dumps again. I dont know what I am doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If a certain someone says something to me, im in tears and cant fathom out why he manages to have power over me like this/ Thats when the suicidal thinking and total feeling of self worthlessness , and suicidal thinking pop in. So stupid!!!! I dont have any money to buy property so cant just get out. I have to wait on council to come up with the goods. i dont know where Im going to be living ....( mind you thats not a new thing) everytime he opens his mouth my heart is in my mouth , I scatch my skin and I cant be the person I want to be.

I used to be happy, bubbly even quite spritely-will I ever be like this again?

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    smile yes you will be like that again :D

    you can see what the problem is and what you need to do to rectify it too

    those alone are 2 very big steps in the right direction. :D

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  • Posted

    I've been using Citalpram for about 2 months now. One of the thing that's become clear to me is that feelings of worthlessness and inferiority are very much self-fullfilling prophecies. If you feel worthless or inferior you will interpret everything that happens or is said to you in that light and it will drive you deeper into the darkness. You have to teach yourself to interpret things in a different way. Positively. It's a very hard thing to do but really pays dividends in the end. Citalopram can help you do it if it's the right drug and at the right dose. Go back to your GP and talk about what you feel. Ask about the dose or trying a different drug. Ther will be something that will work for you so keep trying. smile
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  • Posted

    Thanks Locke and John 729.

    John-this is the ting-im scared of being positive as I am scared of dissapointment.

    Im scared of my future-if there is one!

    Im scared. he want move out this flat, and when I mention that thats ok, im waiting to here about housing for me and the girls -he screams at me \"You want be getting the girls\".

    My entire relationship has been a lie. He sometimes tries to talk to me about films, news etc, I cant Im polite but the atmosphere is awful.

    Ive found Ive put on tons of weight too, but think its something to do with the omezaprole ( or something).

    Anyway, me and the irls are going away for a bit to my mums-the only real support I have at the moment. I dontthink a grown man should be allowed to take no responsibility whatsoever and paint me in such a black light. Then again, IO do it to him, but ii take more responsibility afterall I am moving out-I just wish I could do it faster.My stomach is sore!

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  • Posted

    Ive noticed something. I have 2 packts of citalopram. One packt contains perfectly round pills. The other packt, are oval shaped-why is this? Also I prefer the oval ones-they seem to work better/anyone else found this to be true?
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  • Posted

    The round ones are 10mg tablets. They should have CM 10 on one side and G on the other. The oval ones are 20 mg tablets. They should have CM20 on one side and G on the other. They also have a break line. So the oval ones are the higher dose. Maybe that's why you feel better - it's the more appropriate dose for you.

    It's very understandable to be scared of disappointment. Lots of people are if they would only admit it. Just like lots of people are scared of rejection in relationships. What you need to understand is that a lot of the problems come from an imbalance in the chemistry of the brain. So it can be treated by chemical means. It's not the only way, but it's a way that works for thousands of men and women. Talk to your GP about the dose. It can be increased even to 60 mg a day. Believe me, it will give you the means to look at things in a completely different light. And that makes all the difference. Take care.

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  • Posted

    yes-dissapointment is understandable-nut it gives you the element of suprise now and then.

    the pckts of cit are not prescribed by the same pharmacist,yet one is 20mg rounf and one 20mg oval.

    Interesting- hey?


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  • Posted

    Why does the B have to be so close to the n?

    I had a lovely time at my mums-I totally let rip about situation and she opened up with me. i dont need coucncilling for those things anymore.I just need my mum.

    However, as all parents , and as no one is the same, my mum accidentally shut a drawer and as my daughter had beeen sitting on the worksurface , the drawer nipped her foot. Mum eneded up ringing nhs 24, who then diverted us to a little hospital down the rd.......ok, with all that going on, she then brought up the subject of that new year....it was a new year left with friens and alcohol. I downed a bottle of matinin, some vodka, something ele , fell asleep on someones bed and was totally antisocila. my friends ( at that time forced me to go out) as I was dissapointed at not being left alone I treid to get to my dads flat. My friends ( or whoever they were left me, lying on my dads entrance florr, throwing up. I couldnt get back up and my head was in spin mode. anyways,,,,this is embarassing to write it.....I ended up in this little hospital and mum brought up the \"Do you remeber...and Im not surprised you dont and I remeber you screaming how much you loved me....then tellling you to shut up because there were trully ill people there\" I couldnt stop crying at this remark...Still upset about it

    I just want to be understood. that when I drank that new year, id lost my aunt, nearly loat, my sister and mum in a nasty car crash, and was flunking at school. I didnt feel friends understood and as I lived in a posh house -everything perfect-I couldnt open up to anyone...its not that I want to be felt sorry for, I want to understood, and not belittled,..I get my mums annoyance and the degradation and loss of dignity and so on-but ( oh that should read nut)...i dont appreciate it being pushed back on me, or tolsd that that is what is coming to me. It really hurts, because this was my way of crying out for help as I never argued with her or told her how Id felt about things, and this is tstill my way. If you have the cold flu, failing an exam, being battered by your ex, cut of financialy, then its a squeak that comes out...all your anger turns to tears and its pointless, especially when being overpowered by some nazi...I cant argue!!!!!!!!! I hate hurting peoples feelings and I shake when I shout and I dont shout I squeak....and my blood pressure hits the roof, and I cant /cant keep stoom and subtle about things. all I ever wanted to do was please people but there you have it, one big alcoholic dissapointment. ( let it out whjhy dont i) But its true , This should be on the alcoholics forum, but also the reason I drank wasnt exactly ta happy one. Well therer you have it...I leet it out page after page after page.

    Happy news is we have a new toy---yes my mum bought me a microwave to make hot chocloate and ovaltine at night whenI want to relax. Maybe she understands more than I know then anyway...Must go, take care everyone!

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  • Posted

    Okay. I rang the nurse back. Apparently, they want bloods. Thats okay-ill do that-but I dont really agree with the taking of disifuram ( or however you spell it) . She said the last time I saw my nurse, that Id only be on it for a month. But ( oh good , missed the n) then she said, we will test your blood every few months-erm nope? I drink wine in the evenings. somtimes I eat , sometimes I dont-Im not a pure get up and go alco. Im worried, but coz, it was my grandad who was on antabuse and who died 2 months into taking it of liver failure! No wonder im scared! Im not going to take this lightly. I was told one month-to stabilise my drinking-so why would I need to give bloods after that time-im not going to be sucked into a loop that will kil me-even if I feel that desperate. No offence to anyone out there but I was only wanting to stabilse my habitual behaviour, not centralise it into something it isi not.

    I feel its a prison sentence. for bad behaviour. I think that anoreics dont like to take mrtazipine becuase it demobolitses everything. I read that alcoholics are akin to the obese-but I think it goes both ways. Im scared to stop drinking for the weight I gain, but I do want to be healthy. i think its like trying to rde a bike again, but the bike has to fit your weight and body size(thats a push pedal) sorrry just ranting. Im ot going to b eluled in there . If i want to stop drinking in the eveing , I wil learn to wen off,Okay I may need stabilisers, but I aint dointg it for 6 months as I need the relief time. alcohol does help e relac, and does help me cope-whether that wrong or right stuuf professionals, they do not know everthing. Ive been pumpuped wit drugs pre womb-and I can tell you none of my baby photos are happy -not until you see the baldy head and the chocolate smeared allover my chin and mouth. Sorry-but I aint a prisoner- and i have a right to freedom of speech.

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