I wouldn't change myself for a second.

Posted , 6 users are following.

I've been struggling. I do the same thing everyday. I wake up debate on if today is the day. I go on the computer I melt into my fantasy life with all my games pretend that my real life problems don't exist. Pretend that my life is what it is. For a second I step into life and realize that my depression is worse and it gets worse everyday. I attempted suicide 3 years ago and failed my parents of course found out and sent me away. They love me. About a year ago I attempted suicide again but without them knowing and failed and a part of me earns for them to know a part of me wishes for it. About 2 months ago I attempted suicide again for the 3rd, 4th prob 5th time I've lost count. I took 42 pills and nothing happen it was like my day never changed nothing changed. I'm 24. I have a boyfriend and a family a huge family but a part of me just wants to not exist. I was abused and I struggle with accepting myself everyday. Though after every fail a part of me feels there's hope. I've been self harming for 9 years but a part of me has hope.

1 like, 13 replies

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Andrea!

    Are you taking any meds? Depression sucks believe me! I have suffered many times with this and each time I have become abit stronger person! Medication has always helped me battle depression and anxiety!

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  • Posted

    Hi andrea.as i read your story i am actually thinking you are inspirational.to have been through so much yet still standing.you sound very much alone.does your family know abouttheabuse amd if so do you ever diacuss it with them or anyone else?hang in in there.... Because you are a special person.you ate of value to your family and they love you.xx
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    • Posted

      I told my mom about the abuse in a car ride about 2 months ago coming home from a book store. It just sort of got thrown out there talking about virginity and what I gave to my ex boyfriend it was more of a rage respond though she didn't push it any further at that point I was in tears and shaking. She vowed to never tell my dad because both of us know it'd break his heart.

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  • Posted

    I feel your pain. I have suffered with anxiety and depression on and off all my life yet a part of me always has hope. Medication is important and some kind of CBT. I'm reading a book called The Happiness Trap and even the first few chapters are inspiring. I hate that I worry about everything. Get depressed, have low self esteem and no energy. Then the weekend comes when I have been at work all week (that is a big part of my anxiety) and I want to do something but can't get motivated. I find all I do is the same too. I love playing games as an escape but am trying to wean myself off as I am addicted like a drug. Please go to your GP if you haven't already

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    • Posted

      I worry about everything too. I get paranoid when my sister's in laws dog comes over as if she'll escape the closed backyard or if she'll get hurt if I'm in my own universe. Or when my boyfriend goes out I constantly worry about his safety and refuse to sleep just to make sure he's home safe. I feel like my depression will just poof and I'll eventually become that happy person I always dream about being.

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  • Posted

    What does your GP suggest, I would imagine He must be concerned with your actions.

    Have a serious word with your GP and get some treatment, you if not already should be possible to arrange a CPN to gain some form of support.

    Talk to your GP. If you are having problems. He will draw up a treatment plan.

    BOB

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    • Posted

      I actually don't have a GP. I looked it up I assume it's some sort of doctor to help illnesses. My parents had to file bankruptcy 3 years ago (they just finished paying it on December of last year) and about a few weeks ago my mom didn't have a job for 6 months. I couldn't afford the doctor appointment even if I tried. In all honesty I don't think I could ever follow a treatment plan. I use to take depressiants but the way they make you feel is more of the emotion of a robot. Maybe they effect everyone differently.

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    • Posted

      Andrea

      There must be some form of safety net as far as Health is concerned.

      I understood there were hospitals that were there to help those who were ill and had no money. I also thought the new Obama Care allowed for health provision. It is difficult for us to undrstand health sevices that are not like ours. We are in the UK

      BOB

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    • Posted

      Not exactly. I do have Obama care but it's kind of weird alot of doctors don't support that insurance so finding the closest hospital that will in my region is about 2 hours away on a non-traffic day. I have a safety net. Usually when I have a panic attack and go for the wanting to self harm and when I cry to the point I can't breathe I have 2 safety nets my boyfriend and my best friend. Though most of the time I wanna be alone. Hospitals can't fix you. They can try and help but they can't change the way you feel. They can't change your past.

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    • Posted

      Andrea

      Your past should not come in the way for if or not you have some form of treatment. They treat the present, and if you have no money there has to be a safety net. Yes you have two people who act as safety nets. the sad part about that is one of these people is unable to control His own problems.

      You have a relationship with your Parents can you try and call them and look for assistance there.

      The safety net you use for your Panic Attacks can that Organisation not refer you to another centre or help you there

      BOB

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  • Posted

    Hi Andrea - so sorry to read of your situation. You have a profound and deep depression. You are escaping into the internet/gaming and it has become a habit for you, not unlike any other addiction you can name. Depression is fertile ground for such things and it is all done in order to escape, to stop feeling, to get away from the cold hard reality of life as it really is in this space and time. Your suicidal attempts are a scream for help. They have been unsuccessful because you do not really want to die, you just want to rid yourself of the pain of the depression. Suicide is a permannet solution that cannot be reversed and leaves loved ones in their own world of pain wondering if there was something did or said that contributed to your final decision, or whether there aws something they could have done or said that would have prevented the final decision. Either way, they will find a way to blame themselves. When all is said and done, the movement to a new life and happiness is ultimately up to the one who suffers. It is we who must take those steps, breaking away from the habits that we have retreated into. It is cold and hard, seems impossible, and is complicated by the everyday requirements and events that we just don't feel the strenght to do.

    Andrea, you are lucky. You have your mum and a large family, your boyfriend and your friends. Help is at your fingertips. The first step is to open up to them (your family particularly) and be totally honest. If you are unable to voice the issues, you can write them and provide a copy for each person you want to share with. This does have to be done by tonight - it's best to write what you feel, put it aside, come back to it and edit and/or add, put it aside again if necessary. You must communicate in some way. Voice your concerns about getting medical help, tell them you need support with that. Ask that you find a counsellor/psychologist with whom you can share your deepest pain in a safe, understanding environment. You will feel better when you act because it is a positive move foward and will open all sorts of gates for you. You must reveakl that you have suicidal ideation, have attempted suicide and have been self-harming for nine years.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you must walk the tracks to find it. It will take a great deal of effort initially but will become easier. What you are doing now is not working, so you need to try something else, and suicide is not valid not just because of the harm it will cause, but because you have not yet exhausted every avenue. Keep posting here - we are here to help. Be kind to yourself.

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