ideas please

Thank you so much for your reply Linda.  A few years ago I plucked up the courage to go to meditation classes and one of the mental exercises was to imaging a fresh rose to which all the outside issues bothering me would stick, then to imagine it just catching fire and taking all the crap with it.  I seem to recall it helped doing that. Sounds very similar to your idea of smashing the plates.  I just cant seem to apply myself to any techniques to calm down or stop fretting - I end up getting impatient and then furious with myself for not trying hard enough.  Vicious circle eh.  Last night I was lying in bed totally unable to stop my mind whizzing about - was worrying about the cost caused by having someone hit my car last Friday whilst it was parked and causing massive damage, they drove off without leaving a note or anything and nobody saw it happen, so I have to claim on my insurance and pay the excess and increased premiums, £400 just before Christmas! Couldnt seem to stop getting really furious and upset about it, even though it's happened now and I'll deal with it.  I got up and went and watched TV til like 4am, then had to get up at 7am for work so now I'm shattered and teary, probably more through lack of sleep than anything else.  I bet tonight I'll lie there knowing I just HAVE to get some more sleep otherwise I'll feel even worse tomorrow and that will do its own dirty work and stop me from sleeping.  I get the feeling that if I knew how to stop the spiral, it would all straighten out and I could start to work towards getting better.  A virtual 'brake' is what I need.

Hi Syl. Thanks so much for your reply.  I think you're right, I have to accept I just am not going to be one of those perfectly calm and orderly people.  Whatever they call it - highly strung, pessimist, etc etc., that's me and I think I have accepted that to a degree.  Being like I am affects my life so negatively though, I can't helping thinking that if I didn't overreact so badly or had a more positive outlook, I'd get more things done and be in less of a mess all the time.  It bothers me that I hoard stuff then cant find it so buy more, how much money have I wasted on stuff I dont need or already have.  It bothers me that I've missed opportunities to have an easier life because I didnt have the confidence or motivation to change my own circumstances.  Regret is a very destructive mindset and sometimes it overpowers me to stop me doing anything to move forward and out of the hole I get myself in.  

I really empathise with your comment about getting angry because not getting an effective treatment for depression.  I have a nightmare with doctors, I never manage to explain what's wrong in the scant 5 minutes I get at my GP surgery and I come away with another single pill that isn't really suitable.  When I first did try to tell them I was having anxiety etc., the prescription for citalopram was in my hand before I'd even sat down to be honest.  Cit made me so ill, not just side effects but really really ill.  My hair fell out in huge amounts, which just added to my distress.  I developed nasty IBS and even a really healthy diet couldnt stop the awful symptoms and then I started to get blinding headaches.  My doctor finally agreed to stop them and within a couple of weeks all these things had gone but of course my black moods, worry and stressing had all come back, with a vengeance.

Some years ago I asked about therapy and was told, wait for the pills to work first.  So I booked and paid for some counselling sessions privately.  To be honest, I hated them.  The counsellor was sickly sweet, and the type of person who was so different to me in style and attitude I found it difficult to open up to her, I got to the point where I thought if she smiles and nods condescendingly just one more time I'm going to bash her  I also tried CBT and found that frustrating too.  I wanted to talk about things in my past which had influenced the way I am and the therapists kept stopping me and reiterating that CBT was about the future not the past but my past has a lot to do with why I cant manage my future and again I just got snappy again. I'm going to try to find the courage to revisit my doctor and attempt to ask properly for some help but without just throwing SSRI's or anti-depressants at me.  Here's hoping.

Hi Loxie,

Sorry for late reply. Yesterday, I had one of my bad days; it passed before it even begun!

Oh, I’ve been there! The problem is that psychology is a very popular field of study and there are no tests for people to see whether they would make good therapists, so you never know who you will come across. I have had 5 therapists across 10 years, with two I finished “treatment” after the first session and cried like crazy out of frustration afterwards (these people were condescending and telling me who I was and what I felt after 10 minutes and believe me- I have enough introspection to know they were TOTALLY wrong). Three others were ok; I’ve learned something from each, but with each at one point I hit dead end so now I will be looking for another therapist. And I will definitely “interview” potential therapists- I know what failed in my previous therapies so now I know what I need (I wish I had done that before, btw). It is good you also know what you want and need; it will help you avoid wasting time and money and of course will be less frustrating.

Another thing with depression, acceptance and treatment is that we live in times when mental illness is still not well explored. Depression has many forms and sometimes it is coupled with other disorder. Sometimes it causes this disorder, sometimes it is caused by it. And nobody can figure out what comes first. Also, when you think about it there are so many pills, each acting on different systems in the brain, again showing that depression can be different. Doctors have no idea so they give the most popular meds and then second best, etc. Maybe it is annoying for them to be helpless and for sure frustrating for us to be test subjects because noone knows why we are depressed and what is working differently (what should be fixed). I'm sorry if I'm getting too dark, but hey- I'm depressed .

So, all in all, yes being depressed is a challenge not only because how we feel and how others see us, but as well because it is so frustrating to search for the right treatment and attempt to have a normal life meanwhile I can so relate to what are you are writing about GPs and the way we mess things up with other people or missed opportunities. What my partner keeps on telling me is to try things I think I cannot manage or I am not qualified to do, as we cannot see the reality clearly. Most probably, we are both pretty good at many things; we just keep on putting ourselves down. This approach would be perfect if we had no fear of rejection (at least I have one). But, please, don't feel bad about missed opportunities; there will be others and there is no point feeling bad about them (I know, I know- easier said than done :P).

Please, do let me know how the visit went and if your GP is not up to the task, look for a new one. And man, I feel so bad you had to put up with all these horrible side effects! Never again! Just fight for yourself. GPs might have good intentions but they will never truly understand what we go through. I will keep my fingers crossed for you! xx

Thank you so much for your reply syl, just reading that someone else has the same difficulties is really helpful.  Depression, anxiety, etc., is a very solitary state - I get so self absorbed I cant see what's going on in others and I feel like I'm the only one who cant cope and everyone else is just perfect.  I know that's not true but I guess it's like seeing pictures of film and pop stars in magazines looking so gorgeous and glam and thinking we should all be like that.  I look at happy people or confident and capable people and I envy their good mental health and think why am I such a mess.  I'm going to get through Christmas and then book a docs appointment and write down what I need to say before I go, otherwise they will intimidate me again and I'll be even more unhappy.  I know I just can't go on like I am right now, life is such hard work and I'm so miserable about everything.  It's so unfair on my partner too because he tries hard to get me to see my good points but I just get angry and accuse him of not understanding that I hate myself and the way I am and look and it really isn't about how others see me, it's about how I see myself.  I need so bad to talk this through with someone who isn't emotionally involved and who I don't feel guilty about loading onto them.  Wish we had a magic wand eh to wave and feel better instantly.  

You're so right about the challenges of finding the right treatment, I would love that there is a 'happy pill' I could take to make it all better but I know now there isn't , that taking nasty pharmaceuticals just doesn't help me, I need help to find a way to help myself out of this black hole, not a pill to drug me so I don't know what I'm thinking, if that makes sense.

Thank you again and I hope you too find the right way forward for you also.xx

Hi Loxie,  I want to thank you for posting your experience with Citalopram.  I seem to be having the same reaction to it.  Feel very sick, dizzy, hot and allergy-like.  I have stopped it and dr. put me on different medication.  Hope this sick feeling goes away in a couple weeks like yours did.   Also praying for you as I read of your continuing struggles.  

Poor you Linda, isn't it awful when the pressure of what's to be done the next day and knowing you have to sleep to be able to deal with it just adds to the problem and makes it even harder to sleep.  If I have an early start on any given day, I guarantee that's the night I get absolutely no deep sleep at all.  Last night the neighbour's fence kept banging in the wind.  It honestly was just a little noise but after a couple of hours of tossing turning and getting wound up, it might as well have been nuclear blasts going off, it had got into my head and I couldnt zone it out.  Ended up sitting in my kitchen away from the noise and drinking coffee and chain smoking, totally the wrong thing to do!