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Hi people, i am going through a really hard time now and everything has just gotten out of hand for me. My brain is in overdrive constantly thinking and ruminating on things. I never get to rest. My sleep is disturbed as well as my eating habits and everything else. This is exhausting. I have had stressful lifeevents recently, and while worrying about these i have gone back to thinking about old events in my life and literally obsessing about them constantly.
Due to the demise of my relationship im suffering an identity crisis, having been with someone for 8 years, it feels as if i have no idea who i am without this person. This has also brought up things from my past and suddenly made me feel awful about them! Things that have never bothered me in the past this way.
I changed my middlename years ago. Before i even met my partner, whom i have been with for 8 yrs. I have never told him about this because i have actually forgotten myself, cause middlenames are hardly ever used. My reasons for changing my name in this fashion (firstname has always been the same of course) is that i really hated my middlename, whenever i saw it on some piece of paper i just wanted it gone forever. It was a name heavily related to my "dad". When i was about 11 years old and following estrangement with him i found out he wasnt my biological father. I have never had any contact with his side of the family, any grandmother or anything like that, cause he came here as an immigrant long ago. I know nothing about his family. All of this made me want to shed this name which is from a different culture and isnt a pretty name. The man i called "dad" is of a different culture, one that i was never the least bit brought up in or can relate to, furthering my aversive feelings to carrying a name that sounds so different to the culture i live in. My mother has been fully supportive of this, the change having been made as i was underage. I think this whole story might sound so crazy, but this is what has been causing me huge anxiety over the last week. I suffer feelings of not knowing who i really am, and feeling as if i am "fake" and have been fake to my partner.
I have never disclosed this to him, as my "dad" have never been present in my life while i have known him. He is aware however that the man i thought to be my father as a child is not my biological one. I havent lied, i just havent told him anything about being born with a different middlename. He has never seemed to care. I dont normally think of this as a huge part of who i am and keeping a deep dark secret. But my anxiety has made me feel as if it is. The more i have thought about it in the last couple of days, the worse it has seemed to me. Is this normal to ruminate so completely about something? I know some of you might think i should tell the full story to the partner, but i feel like i will then come off as fake for never having said anything in the past and he might resent me. I want him to see me for who i have always been while he has known me. I dont want to feel like som silly middlename is essential to "who i am". I really would rather never tell him about it. My mother thinks i should just let this go, as it has nothing do with who i really am (she also regrets giving me that dreadful name and is the one who picked out the new one, her grandmothers name). My anxiety of couse doesnt stem 100% from this, there are other things too but its something i have been thinking excessively about. Can i just stop ruminating? The more i think of it the worse it all seems. I am not a lying/cheating person. But i have just always felt before that some things are better left unsaid, as they serve no purpose.
Wow this got long and complicated. If anyone has any questions or i left something out just ask. And this might come off as crazy, im aware. I may be completely ridicolous. But i havent had it easy with my identity and i just truly want a good life and to be happy. Can i let it go?
Any helpful advice as to how to stop ruminating is welcomed.
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