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In a relationship with a Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic, any advice, menopause too?

Posted , 10 users are following.

louise79331
louise79331

Hi there I have been in a relationship for 3 years now and 1 year ago my mum died, but in the last 6 months I am finding the relationship unbearable, he has a vodka problem , sometimes 1litre neat in 1 weekend and then it's the constant moaning, shouting , My 18 year old daughter is still at home, my son has just left for uni and the hardest thing is this man has been helping me with all the family finances but in return I have had to listen and put up with his drinking, constant put downs and it's just he'll for me, I'm going though the menopause and get tired all the time, so the thought of working full time to compensate all the outgoins really worries me, I just feel so trapped, all I want to do is sleep, I just feel so depressed, I know it's not the right reason to stay with someone but I don't know how I can cope otherwise, any advice

1 like, 16 replies

16 Replies

  • debbie12340
    debbie12340 louise79331

    Posted

    oh my goodness sweetheart that sounds awful 😢 I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your Mom, on top of everything else . . . But I think you need to find some peace for you and your Daughter, and it doesn't sound like your partner is helping you at all ? 

    Obviously I don't know your financial position but if you can I think you would be better off if it was just you and your Daughter ! 

    I hope things will soon get better for you x

    Deb 

  • verbena
    verbena louise79331

    Posted

    my partner 15 years was an alcoholic - a lovely kind man. he developed numb feet with pins and needles a deficiency of b12 we found out later. Also an enlarged heart all through alcohol. He died at the age of 58,perhaps your partner will see sense before it's too late.
  • jayneejay
    jayneejay louise79331

    Posted

    Hi Louise

     

    i now remember you saying about this before ..

    you have more or less answered your own question in the way you have said basically if i havent read it wrong , that you put up with it because financially you need too.

    so i can truly sympathise with that and that your feeling trapped and also have menopause to deal with ..

    stress makes peri even worse to cope with ..

    you need to ask yourself ' other than the finacial help ' do you love him.

    what can you do ... How can you manage ... 

    No one should suffer a unhappy home, and i know its easier said than done .

    i did it once ... Moved on, got a full time job, i found myself again, who i was, got a career .. It was scary .. But it can be done .. takes courage and abit of planning ..

    made me alot stronger, i found myself again and grew and grew as a woman 

    only you know the full ins and outs so its hard to answer in a few words 

    i wish you all the luck in the world 

    big hugs 

    jay xx

    • jayneejay
      jayneejay louise79331

      Posted

      Hi louise 

      have you spoken to your daughter .. 

      See how she feels .. Support each other ..

      its good to talk especially to your daughter .. 

      Good luck hun

      jay xx

  • debbie03785
    debbie03785 louise79331

    Posted

    Hi Louise

    sorry to hear about your worries and resulting health issues. Try to find the strength to take action as you are in a downward spiral at the moment. Before you issue your man an ultimatum, perhaps seek advise from a counsellor or citizens advice about your options, financial and otherwise. Its hard, but only you can change your situation.  

    I doubt your children would want to see you suffer or sacrifice your happiness and health. They are adults now. If you can, put a limit on the time you are prepared to endure this situation, even if we are talking a couple of years. It might let you see some light at the end of the tunnel. Hope none of this sounds harsh. Go to a book shop and buy yourself a book about how to empower yourself, how to find the strength to move on with your life. Talk to friends. See your GP. Think about what skills you have and about possible employment. Get out there. Get lots of sleep. Big hugs from me and wishing you peace and contentment in the future. Xx

    • louise79331
      louise79331 debbie03785

      Posted

      Thank you so much Debbie all these replies make me feel stronger and help mesmile
  • fancygoldfish
    fancygoldfish louise79331

    Posted

    You and your daughter need to have a safe and peaceful place to call home. Everyone lives with the consequences of their choices. Start thinking about what you can do, don't automatically say you can't because you have never or you're worried about what people will say.

    First off, forget about thinking that you have to have the money and lifestyle you currently have. You could be much happier with a lot less. What could you do to get out of that situation? Is there anyone you could live with? Anyone who needs a live in babysitter/nanny for a while? Let him deal with the bills. You can even give up a car for a while. I'm sure you have people who love you who would be glad to help you get a fresh start. They probably don't even know how much you're hurting and struggling right now. Are their shelters for abused spouses? It's only temporary. Can you enroll in college and get a student loan to help you get money for you and your daughter to live in a modest little apartment? Sometimes there is help for "displaced homemakers."

    Second, if you just can't bring yourself to leave, is there a way that you don't have to be home when he is? Leave his dinner on the table and clean the house, if that's what he demands, and go somewhere when he gets home. Don't leave your daughter there alone with him. If there's hell to pay when you finally come home, then you must find a way to leave.

    I have been there and I have done these things to get a fresh start. True, I was only 25 at the time, but you can make a fresh start at any age and the immense relief of stress when you have a safe harbor to call home is worth having to live above the grocery store in town and walk everywhere. I have spent a month in an abuse shelter, had no car, raised three kids on my own, and earned an educational doctorate.

    Now, because of health reasons, including peri bleeding, panic disorder, and asthma cough, I had to resign from teaching two years ago and lost a good income. I had to start over again. One of my daughters and her family moved in with me and pays rent and helps with maintenance,The both of us run a home daycare now, and although it's only a fraction of what I made before, it does pay the bills and then some. Adjustments have to be made and it's a learning/growing process, but it's good enough. I'm happy to see my grandchildren every day. I could never go out and work now with the peri bleeding.

    You can do it, too. Just start brainstorming and making a plan and don't be embarrassed to ask for help from those that love you. You don't need a long term plan. Just figure it out short term and you will discover new possibilities as you go along each day.

  • jean91171
    jean91171 louise79331

    Posted

    Hi Louise, log on to Online Al-anon group and see if it is helpful for you. Recognising you are not trapped or responsible is the first baby step. My heart and love go out to you
  • viv1960
    viv1960 louise79331

    Posted

    Hi Louise,

    so so sorry to hear how awful things are for you.  As usual good advice and support from all the ladies on here.  I'm not giving any advice, but send lots of love and support for you and your family.  

    Hope it all works out for you all.

    Viv

  • inessa7
    inessa7 louise79331

    Posted

    Hi Louise, really sorry to hear what you going through. Wnen you trapped and cant get out of the vicious circle, its really difficult to go through. If you love and care about your partner, Maybe you need to try and speak to him about how it makes you feel. If he has a problem with alkohol maybe he need help providing  he can accept that he has a problem.

    He can try AA and you can try Al-anon as someone here already mention. You dont have to suffer. 

    It is scary out there by yourself, I know, but its possible to live. Its all up to you in the end. I wish you all the best and that your problems will be solved. xxxxx

     

  • lube62
    lube62 louise79331

    Posted

    Hello,my heart goes out to you. You really dont need to put up with this type of stress and unhappiness in your life.You can manage on your own, you will find solutions to problems. However (and please think long and hard about this) do you think your partner will listen to you and understand and that things can change?

    • louise79331
      louise79331 lube62

      Posted

      Even if he changes, I have lost all respect for him with all that I have had to put up with re his drinking, but from one day to another he changes, after a weekend of drinking he goes back to being normal and quiet again I am finding it very draining emotionally, it is like dealing with two people, and because I am with my daughter a lot, he becomes jealous that I want to spend more time with her, my son has already moved miles away to go to uni, I just feel so stupid as I know this can't continue and I am just prolonging the inevitable, hankyou for your support 
    • lube62
      lube62 louise79331

      Posted

      Hello, I think you are answering the questions yourself and are clearly a lot stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. At 25 ,and after having gone to uni and come home again ,my daughter left home yesterday. Being very peri menopausal ,this is hitting me hard. I have a partner whose lived with us for a year. He loves his children and understand that they come first(obviously within reason) so I ve never felt there was any need for giving him extra attention or dealing with jealousy. Your life with your children is precious, if your partner cannot cope with this and is causing you angst ,then you have choices. Take good care.
    • louise79331
      louise79331 lube62

      Posted

      Hi there, yes I suppose that is the next stage uni, home then moving out, it's very hard being a woman, I think when we have children we dont realise that there is so much more to go through, all our lives I suppose but then we wouldn't be without them either, so you can't win, then the menopause, I've just gone onto a hrt patch as it is the weaker one and doesn't go through your liver but only for a short while,  just to give me a boost of oestrogen, not sure whether it is the right thing to take but I will see, as to this other problem. I have got to push myself out and get a career
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