Insecurities

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So I'm not even sure that I have depression, but I wanted to share lots of the things that have happened to me regarding insecurity. I'm hoping that I can get answers on what is wrong and what I should do because I'm very confused.

I am quite young, a teenager, and for a long time, I have been relatively happy with my life. I had a best friend who totally understood me, I was clever, I was good at art, music and plenty of other subjects. Sure, thinking back on it, I used to cry all the time when I was younger, but that was just part of my personality. It wasn't depression.

I moved to my secondary school and I stopped being friends with my best friend. It was so hard, but she was becoming very fake and I wasn't like that at all. Things were still okay. I soon began feeling like I wasn't good at anything I used to be good at. I was in the bottom set for French, I started liking art less and less and realised I wasn't very good at it, I didn't do much drama and I realised that I couldn't sing at all after a girl pointed out how bad I was. Another girl said some mean comments to me during a ballet lesson which made me very self-conscious. That same girl asked to borrow my phone to call her mum but just took it to find out my Instagram account, which I had no idea what to post on. She made fun of me about it and showed another girl, so I promptly deleted it and am not planning on getting it back.

I dealt with things. They were fine. I still loved being at the school with so many people who shared my interests. People called me ugly and were going on about my horrible skin and acne, but all I did was start wearing concealer to make myself feel less insecure. I didn't feel depressed, or properly insecure, or even like I was worthless.

The worst things started this year, when one of my closest friends started calling my other friend and I stupid or 'the stupid people' just because we were in a lower French and Maths set than her, even though we were obviously not stupid. She started becoming very controlling over us and acting like she was in charge. She started calling me ugly and even told me that 'the ugly people are always the unloved ones' referring to me, but when I pretended not to hear she substituted ugly for cute. She and other people made/make jokes about what I look like, what I wear, my music preferences, etc.

I started feeling insecure. About everything. I even made a list of them and found at least 42 things I thought were wrong with myself.

That was when things changed. Before my insecurity, my biggest fear was death. It still is. But at the same time, I have had so many thoughts about suicide. I used to believe I could never do it, but I don't know now. I think that at such a low point in my life, I wouldn't brush the option away completely.

I recently decided to search up the symptoms of depression and I was shocked to find I could relate to so many.

Difficulty concentrating and remembering things. Check.

Fatigue and decreased energy. Check.

Feelings of worthlessness. Check.

Pessimism. Check.

Restlessness. Check.

Loss of certain interests. Check.

Persistent aches, pains and headaches. Check.

Sad/anxious/empty feelings. Check.

Thoughts of suicide. Check.

I don't know whether this means that I have depression or not, and if I do, how I should act on that. I obviously want to sort things out, but I could never talk to my parents or friends about this. I also would want people to know what I'm going through. If people were aware that I was suffering in some way and needed some help, then maybe the remarks, jokes and insecurity would stop.

Thank you.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi there. Im not a medical professional but it definately sounds like you are depressed to me. Xx a lot of the things yr thinking and feeling the anxiety the lack of things u was interested in before all seems like to me xxx u are a teenager and can make an appt without yr parents. U are old enough and the dr will kp confidential. Providing u arent a danger to yrself ir others xx good luck. Dont suffer anymorre. Like i did. Seek help kp us posted xxxx

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    • Posted

      P.s. life for teens is so much harder now than ever. The social media etc being one aspect. My daughters 13 i worry about that a lot xx big hug for you from me HUG xxxx
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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for replying. It really means a lot. I hope you are okay now xx

      I think my best option will be to tell my mum about it, as she seems like the only person who will be understanding and who will help me to see someone. I'm pretty scared about telling her but I think it will make things a lot easier.

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    • Posted

      Aw im not doing wonderful but im getting help its all trial and error with meds etc xx all i know is id want my daughter to tell me so i coul help her id never want her to feel as u do now. Please let us know how u get on. Big hug xxx
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  • Posted

    Hi. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Do you have an aunt or grandma or another relative you could talk to? Or is their a teacher or a school counsellor you could trust? I think you should also make an appointment with your GP, they may be able to help.

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  • Posted

    Bluebell, it's terrible that you've found - what did you say - 42 things wrong with yourself????? (might just have to give you 42 question marks for this!)

    The friend that called you stupid has more insecurities than you for sure - would YOU ever call anyone stupid?? ...... Exactly.

    I can totally associate with how you feel in respect of the art/music thing, and also the secondary school loss of friends....

    I went to a school for music and art and immediately lost friends for being different. And then i realised that I wasn't top of art/ music anymore... Competetion!

    Loss of original friends... Devastating.

    Insults.... Well we all know about those. The ability of social media to debilitate people? It's terrifying the effects that can have...

    Have you worked out who's opinion matters to you most yet??

    (My parents put huge pressure on me which resulted in grades = Love).

    You have more sense of yourself than most at your age - some people are just natural thinkers.

    It's a blessing and a curse angel, and it's up to you whether or not you choose to tackle it as depression or a natural insecurity given what you're going through right now.

    Amanda's right - you can go to your GP and ask what they think - and if you don't like your GP then get another one!! It's worth finding the right help, honestly.

    Once you start feeling better about yourself it'll matter less what others think, trust me!

    Lots of love to you xx

     

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    • Posted

      Thanks for replying x

      My parents' opinions matter most to me and I have also had plenty of pressure from them. I hope that you have been able to get through pressure and any losses of friends. I am planning on speaking to my mum first, as she will most likely be able to help me find someone, but from there I am going to go to my GP.

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  • Posted

    Hi Bluebell - what a world we have and how difficult it is for teenagers these days. The expectation of perfection, the empty pursuit of being 'the best,' all on top of all that hormonal change that is raging inside you as change from a child to a young woman. Our peers at that age can be incerdibly cruel, and with the depersonalisation created by social media seems to have made those that use it even less sympathetic or responsible for what they do and say. The starting block in your situation is to first ignore the insults directed at you by those around you. They are demeaning you to make themselves feel better. Under that sneering and strutting is an insecure person who picks on someone else in the delusion that it is somehow poerful or clever. It's not. What IS clever is you. You have recognised a growing insecurity and are reaching out to understand and deal with it. That is intelligent. That is responsible. You have recognised that this is something that you need help with, and seeking help is not a weakness. That requires strength.

    I wonder if there is a counsellor at school who you can discuss this with. That is one step you can take, and you can take it in conjunction with Amanda's advice - to make an appointment to see a doctor. Reemember these people are there to help you. They will guide you through the process of dealing with any issues and are on your side. No-one else need know about it, and i would be careful who you tell as it could be another thing the malicious will twist into a judgement and insult.

    The last thing to mention is this list. We can all find a collection of things "wrong" without even trying. They are the list of expectations others have decided. There is no "wrong" about a person - we are all utterly unique and that makes us - and the world - endlessly interesting. How about a list of what is "right" about you? You can start with 1/ Intelligent...

    Make that appointment today. You will feel better for it, and remember you are not alone. We are always here to talk.

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  • Posted

     Hello you sound like a young me somewhere there. all the art music dancing etc but I am 70 now.  well you should look upon these offensive remark makers as very ugly people indeed because they are the worst, they have no virtues have they they are just rubbish having the cheek to voice their unrequired opinions, and thi sis how you must regard them. Yes depression not only knocks back motivation but makes you suddenly feel you are no good at anything. If you are like me it comes and goes.The problem is reclaiming what you felt before, I doubt if you misjudged yourself more likely you have low self esteem not helped by these um whats the word individuals around you, they will always drop on someone they think might actually care what they say. Just try and see them as evil and destructive and low life, their opinions therefore are worth nothing. just because you arent 100% at doing everything doesnt make what the others do better. YOu are good at what you are good at, I bet the bullies couldnt do what  you can do. YOu have a special gilfft you are artistic they are just ordinary but twisted.

    but physically believe me most teenagers feel those things about themselves it goes when you are in your twenties and you could amaze yourself then, so dont give up life changes you are so very young, and loads of interesting stuff could turn up. Therapy would be the best route for you I think rather than anti depressants because they come with a  load of side effects usually and may not work very well. Its up to you but have courage and dont let inferior people get you down.

     

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  • Posted

    Hi I can't add to the great advice you have been given.

    Please however don't tell anyone you don't want to or trust about your depression.  Some people will be great but others will just use as a way to abuse you even more.   And do you really want to be treated as a special case?

     

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