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So I'm not even sure that I have depression, but I wanted to share lots of the things that have happened to me regarding insecurity. I'm hoping that I can get answers on what is wrong and what I should do because I'm very confused.
I am quite young, a teenager, and for a long time, I have been relatively happy with my life. I had a best friend who totally understood me, I was clever, I was good at art, music and plenty of other subjects. Sure, thinking back on it, I used to cry all the time when I was younger, but that was just part of my personality. It wasn't depression.
I moved to my secondary school and I stopped being friends with my best friend. It was so hard, but she was becoming very fake and I wasn't like that at all. Things were still okay. I soon began feeling like I wasn't good at anything I used to be good at. I was in the bottom set for French, I started liking art less and less and realised I wasn't very good at it, I didn't do much drama and I realised that I couldn't sing at all after a girl pointed out how bad I was. Another girl said some mean comments to me during a ballet lesson which made me very self-conscious. That same girl asked to borrow my phone to call her mum but just took it to find out my Instagram account, which I had no idea what to post on. She made fun of me about it and showed another girl, so I promptly deleted it and am not planning on getting it back.
I dealt with things. They were fine. I still loved being at the school with so many people who shared my interests. People called me ugly and were going on about my horrible skin and acne, but all I did was start wearing concealer to make myself feel less insecure. I didn't feel depressed, or properly insecure, or even like I was worthless.
The worst things started this year, when one of my closest friends started calling my other friend and I stupid or 'the stupid people' just because we were in a lower French and Maths set than her, even though we were obviously not stupid. She started becoming very controlling over us and acting like she was in charge. She started calling me ugly and even told me that 'the ugly people are always the unloved ones' referring to me, but when I pretended not to hear she substituted ugly for cute. She and other people made/make jokes about what I look like, what I wear, my music preferences, etc.
I started feeling insecure. About everything. I even made a list of them and found at least 42 things I thought were wrong with myself.
That was when things changed. Before my insecurity, my biggest fear was death. It still is. But at the same time, I have had so many thoughts about suicide. I used to believe I could never do it, but I don't know now. I think that at such a low point in my life, I wouldn't brush the option away completely.
I recently decided to search up the symptoms of depression and I was shocked to find I could relate to so many.
Difficulty concentrating and remembering things. Check.
Fatigue and decreased energy. Check.
Feelings of worthlessness. Check.
Loss of certain interests. Check.
Persistent aches, pains and headaches. Check.
Sad/anxious/empty feelings. Check.
Thoughts of suicide. Check.
I don't know whether this means that I have depression or not, and if I do, how I should act on that. I obviously want to sort things out, but I could never talk to my parents or friends about this. I also would want people to know what I'm going through. If people were aware that I was suffering in some way and needed some help, then maybe the remarks, jokes and insecurity would stop.
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