Intrusive Thoughts + Anxiety attacks telling me the world isn't real

This story involves use of cannabis, which is illegal in some states. If this bothers you then please ignore me, I understand.

Prepare for a long post.

I only have one kidney, It was removed when I was a child. Because of that, and my mother, I never received treatment for my depression or anxiety as a child. I've been suffering from them both since puberty, at least. I always considered my depression worse and never really had anxiety attacks until recently.

A few months ago I decided to start trying to use cannabis as a way to treat my depression. The results were mixed, so I probably should have stopped, but my friends and partner do it daily, so I decided to keep doing it.

One night, my partner, his brother and my cousin were all sitting around watching Tenacious D And The Pick of Destiny, I thought, why not? During the opening scene of the movie, there's a six pointed star spinning in the background the entire time. Now, I don't consider myself a religious person, but I am open to many different possibilities. I never claim to know something 100%. But, I was raised Seventh Day Adventist.

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point during the movie I got the thought that I would be stuck in a loop for eternity. It was something like

Realize I'm stuck in the loop -> Panic -> Try to rationalize with myself -> Calm down -> Forget -> Realize I'm stuck in an eternal loop -> Start over again.

Eternal torture.

It was at that point that I started saying “Oh my god.” Then I started yelling it. Then I started screaming it, over and over and over again, until i guess I passed out. I could feel my partner touching me sometimes, and i could hear him praying, but as far as I was concerned, I was gone. Everything was black, I got the impression of movement, but I was convinced I was going to spend eternity like that. “Did I die?” “Am I in a coma?” “Did the world end?” All the time, my brain was still stuck in the loop.

When I came to, I thought I was better. I started to explain to everyone what happened, when it triggered again. My partner took me into my room and I laid in there for hours, stuck in that same loop, convinced that someone or something had done it to me. I asked my partner to kill me. Eventually I fell asleep and came out of my high when I woke up. I was okay for about a week or two.

Until I stupidly decided to smoke again on Monday. It wasn't as bad the second time, but it lasted way longer. I was telling myself the entire time that it wasn't real and that it would get better but I still had my voice in the back of my head telling me that it was real and that I was just in denial. It didn't stop when I woke up. It lasted until yesterday, where I had a panic attack at work and they sent me to the ER.

The ER gave me Xanax, but it turned me into a zombie, and my brain didn't really stop thinking. I fell asleep and when i woke up again, I was convinced that this world wasn't real, that someone was torturing me, that it was eternal. There was no part of me that believed otherwise.

It was shorter that time, I came out of it after about twenty minutes, but during that time all I could think was that I was trapped. I couldn't stop feeling that way and I couldn't kill myself because I think dying is what I felt when I passed out the first time, and that was even more terrifying.

I went to a counselor today but she didn't seem very worried about these delusions. They vary in severity. Sometimes on a daily basis I still think my brain is in the loop, but I can operate. I can think about other things, but when it's bad i still have my voice, or a feeling “reminding” me that this won't end. Sometimes I think I'm okay. And sometimes I think I'm stuck again and that this world isn't real.

My friend has been giving me half milligram klonopin to help me calm down during these panic attacks, but even then, my brain doesn't stop thinking about it, not really.

I've been feeling okay today. I've been thinking about it occasionally, and that feeling of emptiness in my chest has been here off and on. I started to think that I was going to have another panic attack so I took more medicine, but I need help. I'm scared I'm going to convince myself that this world isn't real. Permanently.

My life is finally better, why is this happening to me? I don't want to be thinking these crazy thoughts, I don't want this feeling in my chest to keep coming back. I just want to return to my normal self. I just can't shake the feeling that something about this experience has changed me for the worse. I don't feel like myself anymore.

Will anti-depression and anti-anxiety medicine really help? Will I eventually be able to stop thinking about it for good? Or stop believing that it might be real, at least?

I consider myself a person very grounded in reality. The thought that I might be losing my mind is my worst nightmare. (As I wrote that, my voice told me that that's why this is happening.)

Please, someone tell me that you have experienced the same thing and gotten over it. I think that's the only thing that will reassure me.

Sorry for the long post.

0 likes, 3 replies