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Is it allright if I fall again ?

Posted , 4 users are following.

ozzie1961
ozzie1961

I am trembling inside my tummy, I feel neauseas and breathless , I am washed out with exhaustion and emotional trauma.

I wasnt like this yesterday , I am having difficulty keeping my body together so i can do what is required of me today.

I need to travel outside and across London on the underground to Euston Station so I can then put myself into a one hour Assessment so i can have access to a Legal Advocate , someone to prop me up finally through my living hell , a court trial where I am facing eviction that I cannot bare to think about.

I cant take my HIV drugs nor can I eat to sustain any real kind of energy and sleeping has become so difficult.

The noise of the traffic out there on the street, a crying child, another person speaking out loud on thier mobile , its killing me this anxiety slowly and painfully.

If I fall will that be ok?

If I fall and struggle to get back up on my own will this  be seen as a weakness of character.

I keep telling myself failure is not an option but where does the all the enery thats required to see my court trial through to the truth and an ending , how can I make those last steps towards finding justice and the truth ?

My best and dearest freind has left for college and I am alone in my crisis again.

How can I visualize me getting through this day sane and able to breath without the physical support.

I feel under a dark thick cloud and I am struggling to see clearly .

Am i a failure or is this my head telling me lies again?

If I fall will someone please catch me and lift me back up so I can stand high on the mountain of life and begin to feel myself at ease and able top breath once more.

this is my ANXIETY ..Do I embrace it or do I reject how i am truly feeling in myself right now.

PJ

3 likes, 22 replies

22 Replies

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  • mary03830
    mary03830 ozzie1961

    Posted

    hi why do you need a social worker luv it is theropy and self help you need doctors are usless they dont seem to care anymore they push you off with tablets to get rid of you when all they need to do is find someone for you talk to and explain your symptoms ans reasure you because what we do is sit thinking getting more anxious not understanding what is wrong with us the more we think about it the worse it gets i have been there for so many years with anxiety and had to find my own way of dealing with it looking for a good accupuncturist and hypnotherapist plus my relaxation tapes and breathing the right way if you go on ebay there is a good cd and dvd by patrick mchan buteyko clinic also there is a book on controling anxiety well there is quite a few this will help you and let you understand more of what you are going through i sent for them

    please try them luv

    thinking of you mary

  • mary03830
    mary03830 ozzie1961

    Posted

    hi luv i have sent the item number for ebay just have a look see what you think it has been recomendered to me by my old acupuncturist who is a doctor and x surgen 

    mary x

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 mary03830

      Posted

      Hi Mary

      I have woken up again to rad your 2 messgaes.

      In your first email I am really starting to believe what you siad abiout Doctors is so true.

      When I spoke to the Pshyc over the phone she did not want to speak about my Anxiety issues at all and even when speaking to her with a quiet tone she said I was getting confrontational with her.

      She was determined I should be recomended for further pysc treatment for that.

      Its amazing that in our time these so called professionasl feel they are so right and make such serious decisions about our welfare while we are so dependant on them.

      I think you are right when you say I should find alternative ways to cope without having these people treat me with such contempt.

      And leave me in total dispair, then she put the phone down on me as I was explaining mt feekings to her.

      It shows they have no idea nor want to help , they make assumtions and the decision lays final with thier own assumtions which on this ocassion she was wrong.

      I needed to take another diazipam and a sleeping pill to relax myself .

      I hate taking these meds as I have to wake up to those same onld issues and feelings of being left isolated and alone on the fence by those professionals that dont know me and dont want to know me , nor are capable of recognizing whats happening to me.

      They have literally left me for dead and my light of seeking mental health support has changed over the peiod of this horrible phone call.

      Did you mean you have gone on ebay on my behalf and ordered yourself the alternaitive self help giudes?

      You spoke of a number of the product from ebay but i didnt see this.

      Cheers

      and much appreciated

      PJ

  • mary03830
    mary03830 ozzie1961

    Posted

    hi pj i thought i had put the item number on luv

    im so sorry you have had to go through all this rubish it is disgusting the way you have been treated as if things arnt

    Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the ebay number. If users wish to exchange these details please use the Private Message service.

    http://patient.uservoice.com/knowledgebase/articles/398331-private-messages

    • ozzie1961
      ozzie1961 mary03830

      Posted

      Thanks Mary;

      I just looked it up on EBAY.

      I was very messy this morning like yesterday and now we have 12 days before we could be made homeless here with no where to go too if this is to happen.

      I was with an appointment yesterday with a organziation called PACE who I was referred to by another UK Org called Gallop.

      I arrived to the Assessment Appointment feeling very unwell and we didnt get through the first 10 minutes without an anxiety attack deveolping, the Advocate assessing me called her Manager into the room, I was screwed up in a chair and froze with painful cries .

      The Mgr happened to practice Yoga and for the next 20 minutes both sat with me until my breathing became stable.

      My nose was bleeding during this time as well.

      They have assured me I can now have the support of an Advocate for the Housing Eviction Trial in 12 days time.

      I walked out of thier office next to Euston station and again became so unwell and unable to see in front of me, an ambulance was called and they took me to (hell ) the A+E at the Royal Free Hospital.

      I was seen to by a PYsc Nurse who wasnt talking to me she had a very loud voice that was half shouting at me and asking questions like What can I do for you , this affected me and I began to go into more anxiety and was in tears.

      I walked out but was conned into returning after I walked to my HIV clinic to see the nurses there.

      I returned and layed still in this very noisy environment which was like peak hour at Picadilly Circus.

      I was unable to talk normally instead was highly agitated and begun to spit the words out of my mouth , her reply was I need to go to my GP and request the meds I should be on.

      My body was in pain everywhere and she then insisted I stay for the same routine check over by the A=E doctors.

      I walked out and came home.

      Since then I doped myself out and slep till 11am .

      the phone rang around 12 noon it was the Psyc Dr who had assessed me last week in order to attempt to gain some support through a mental health Social Worker, she went on to say that this would not be happening but she suggested she have me return to other recomended Pysc Drs for on going sessions as she believed I have a regular pattern of falling into confromtation with people.

      I stopped her there as she wasnt speaking or dealing with what I know to be true and have been diagnosed with being Acute Anxiety, I questioned her how am i suppose to cope with these severe attacks (8 in the past 10 days) , She then got angry with me and threatened to put the phone down on me as she claimed I was again being confrontational with her.

      I reminded her that i was not raising my voice I was trying to stay calm and ask her how i am meant to cope through a day at a time without the support I have been told would help me.

      She then hung up on me.

      I began to shake again and felt very alone .

      I am to by a good samaritan in there, why am I looking for a Social worker, what I need is to seek alternative therpies to enable me to work with this issue os anxiety without the support of the mental health which has and will continue to ignore the crux of our anxiety needs.

      I feel so let down by mental health when I have spent hours giving them very personal information about me that I am treated in a way that I do not feel valued by the professional world.

      Apart from my HIV Consultant and the 2 previous Gps that i had once had, now left.

      My GPs clinic cant hold regular doctors so I am finding it hard to even obtain the meds that assist me to calm down.

      My plan now I have worn off the drugs from last night and this morning is to seek outside help far away from any mental health worker.

      I feel we have been left out of the govt care policy and left to handle things for ourselves.

      This is a true refelction of the western world today.

      I will be looking at getting a medical practitioner with the support of the new Advocate from Pace to right to the court and say I am not well enough to appear on the 12th of May in the trial where my fate and my cares fate will lay.

      I cant see without me being there I hold much chance to defend myself however we do have an excellent Barrister thanaks to the young inexperienced solicitor i was able to get through legal aid.

      My immediate problems lays with eating as I have almost stopped and am feeling very unwell.

      Without money right now this too is a whole other issue I am dealing with.

      But I am here and doing my best to stay above the issues

      I plan to dope myself up again tonight so I can rest and get some sleep.

      Tomoorow is a whole nother day.

      I will def look into the book you recomend and when I am payed next tuesday may even be able to strecth the budget to purchase it.

      Thanks

      and Hugs

      PJ

  • mary03830
    mary03830 ozzie1961

    Posted

    hi pj i thought i had put the item number on luv

    im so sorry you have had to go through all this rubish it is disgusting the way you have been treated as if things arnt bad enough you should never be alone or feel alone these people do not no what they are on about half of the time they just like to give you a pill and leave you to it,

    it is all wrong they leave you to get on with things by yourself cos like you say they dont know what to do and dont care i cant believe the phone was put down on you she just didnt want to listen to you probably got no answers to give makes me wonder how they get the job in the first place if you cant pour out your feelings to them then whats the point in them being there i went to mind a while back i stuck it out for 3 sessions i had had enough they didnt ask questions or give you answers i thought right i will do it myself. anxiety is an illness it i about time they reaized this if we broke our leg they could see it because it is our heads does not mean we are imagining it we are getting phyical feelings which in my opinion worse tan broken leg a leg can be repaired quickly anxiety takes longer and thats why we need people to understand what we are going through and listen help us understand i think you would be better with self help and support from someone you can trust to listen to you the nuber i have sent just copy and paste in search bar on ebay and if you go down the page there are others the one i have given you is very well known one of them says for asama but for the same thing there is also another one dealing with anxiety i will get you that one luv i know you can do this we will beat them so called profesionals who no nothing only how to get money out of people if you ant me to send you anymore ebay item numbers let me know

    hugs x

    mary

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