Posted , 4 users are following.
When I was about 12, I started having constant panic attacks and severe anxiety/ocd. It lasted for years before calming down. For a number of years I was fine, fairly anxious but it was manageable. Suddenly, since about late January this year it has gone off the charts again.
I keep feeling scared I've gone mad/got a serious mental condition when doctors have told me its just anxiety. My thoughts change all the time. I started off with confusion, thinking who am I, what's that, where am I ect. It's moved on to weird thoughts like I'll look at something and think how does that work? for example I'll look at a window and think how can I see out of this? or something dumb to that effect. I have bad thoughts but I know that's anxiety, intrusive thoughts but it still scares me. I find it hard to think and I have weird, random thoughts popping into my head all the time. Sometimes it's horrible thoughts but sometimes its just random.
I feel out of it a lot and I'll look at something and get an uncomfortable feeling, almost like I had a thought about it but I know I didn't.
My mind feels like it's going a mile a minute but there aren't any coherent thoughts there. Just feel scared and like crying.
I can't keep a train of thought either. I'll try to think of something or sort something out in my head but then I'll get distracted without even realising it and my mind will go off on another tangent without my control. If I see something, my brain will randomly connect it to a song and play the song in my head or I'll think of someone saying something like a catchphrase. To be honest, I do that a lot anyway, even before I got really bad but it seems so much worse now. E.g. if I think I need to go to the bathroom, I automatically think of Keith Lemon's catchphrase he says before an ad break on Celebrity Juice and I've done that for a long time but now it seems more out of control.
I have good days where I feel a bit better but at the moment I feel so bad and down it's scary. The thoughts and confusion are really scary and I don't seem to be able to get a break at the moment. I've had ups and downs since January but it just feels so bad at the moment. Almost feels like my mind is on fire and I can't control it. I'll also look at something and think that looks or seems really weird or something is spelt wrong even though I know it isn't.
Keep having a fear that I get phantom smells/sounds even though I don't think I do. I keep catching things out of the corner of my eyes and my eyes keep playing tricks but again I know that can be down to anxiety but it's still worrying me. My memory is even worse than usual and I keep getting muddled and confused.
I'm worried it's bipolar or something more sinister. I have counselling and I tried meds but they gave me retroactive anxiety and made me panic so I might go back to the doctors and see if they have something different.
I feel so empty and sometimes wish I was dead but I would never do anything to harm myself. The doctor said it sounds like I have anxiety and depression but I just feel really confused and scared and want reassurance. I can barely remember what I was like all those years ago. My mum says I was about 100 times worse as I had severe panic attacks as well. I'm just tired of feeling on edge and having dumb thoughts that make me feel so down.
1 like, 8 replies