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I'm a new member here , after so many trials and tribulations in the last 5 yrs of my marriage life we both have come through it. Now we are much happier and trying to leave the past and think of present and future .
My past is that my husband had an affair and I went mental. I stared for the first time my life to have panic attacks felt as though I was slowly dying with a fast heart beat. Since then that was 2010, I always have these types of attacks and anxiety (I think that's what it is and that what you call it ) every time my husband still walks out the door or I hear him talk to someone I feel he may be having another fling, also my mind talks to me constantly saying such things as " he's upto it again' dnt trust him, I can't cope, I've got five kids with him I cope with the kids demand , I'm gonna die worrying etc etc etc... in 2012 I had a dream I died in my bed and my kids were around my bed and they were crying , if felt really real, then of course I woke up crying my eyes out etc etc etc. So what I did was I true ex the bed around as to what it wasn't from my dream , thinking that I'd die if the bed was in the same position as I saw in the dream.
One day my daughter had a dream few years ago and said she saw mummy ( me) dead and they were beside my grave crying etc etc
In feb 2014 maybe second wk of feb, I was talking to my daughter and I could see a invisible presence and/ or feeling you could say that something was wanting to come near me I got scared and went in a room where my nephew was , he 26 yrs old where my other kids were playing I felt the n ex to be around an adult if need be. I felt I should start to recite my last prays I actually might be dying , the devils actually come to take me , I literally felt I should lay down on the bed and my god was my hart heart beating so fast as though it was gonna jump out and I went all pale I tensed up and kept on praying slightly until the rush of this feeling slowly went down . It lasted for a good few hours I was scared shit ( sorry for language) I then could eat my evening meal I was shaking trembling and had an early night , I hugged my youngest daughter in bed and slept
The same happen again in March 2014 a few wks ago as though I could feel a presence which was after me and only I could see it and no one else . My Daugherty kept on saying " mummy what's wrong why a re you looking like that" I said shush very lightly and I felt my heart race again really badly I couldn't control it and then it went away after a few for hours
On both occasions I've noticed it takes a very long time for my heart to settle and I start getting these voices in my head I'm gonna die, it's here to take me, oh my god what do I do , then it status in my head for so many days after and doesn't fade away I don't forget it . Everytime I work cook clean sleep dive watch tele my head says it's gonna happen your gonna die sooner ing your kids behind not seeing them grow up college uni thier marriage grand kids etc etc I then so. And my heart races agai. And I the. Literally cannot lift myself up again and get up and go to the toilet cook nothing at all ....
On the 1st of April 2014 my husband dropped of the kids at home and he went to the bank to put some money in , he didn't tell me and drove off , I then wandered where the hell is he , on purpose I didn't ring him he's not a child and I cannot keep tabs on him like this so I rang his mobile after 45 mins of him dropping off kids. He said he put money in the bank , but whilst I was talking to him his background sound so peacefull as though he was in the car . Instantly my brain thought he's not in the bank he's talking to someone on the phone I. The car and doesn't want me to hear it he's doing it discreetly etc etc etc
Straightaway my mood changed and I went on a spiral down I started to think of all the negatives in t eh world, then I started to feel there you go again I'm gonna die ..... All night I could sleep my heart was pounding I couldn't feed my kids evening meal , I kept on seeing things around me I then could sleep at all throughout the night I kept on getting flashed that if a close my eyes I'll die and had this great constant dread in my stomach and voice saying don't sleep you won't wake up again I told all these to my husband and he reassured me he wasn't talking to no one and I'm worrying for no reason what can he do to make me believe him and I should sleep and not worry . I wS begging him to pray for me so I dnt die my kids are little etc and I asked him for forgiveness as it may be the last I ask of it , th then after 5am I fell asleep and quickly woke up in an hour to see if I was still alive and I felt so relieved that my eyes opend and I was still breathing I thank god so much I didn't die etc etc
Since then I've been googling my thoughts and came across this site and a lot of what ppl were saying matches how I feel and actually it my thoughts and fears may not be real death I feel but an illness if have. Then again I went through google and I came across another site called 'god giving signs before death and how a humans sub concious mind feels the time is near etc etc etc and I could also relate to a lot of things there that I was feeling such as seeing things , feeling hot even though the room is cold throwing off the duvet dreams before hand and how Abraham Lincoln dreamed his death before he died and so many other people etc etc also how the stages are of death where each limb by l. Limb is taken first the feet then the cc then the hop the. The chest then the arms then the last breath oh god it make me feel sick to my stomach to say it ....on the 2nd of April (I think) I had a little pull of the left foot muscle and I quickly woke up thinking oh god is this the first sign of the devil coming to take my foot first ,,,,, then I could sleep all night ...
Just now I was layng down in bed on my back I got a muscle pull on my left calf , I jumped and went on my side thinking on god it's now my calf and it was the left calf ( am I going in sane)
So I'm even more confused I haven't been able to snooze this morning and I came staring on this sight to talk to someone to (pls help)) ((
I have made am appoint ment with the do tors buts it's next week I feel I'm going to go insane by that time and I feel so weak I can. Barely talk cook get up . The more I google the more truth I feel it may be . ( am I right ??? ) what is wrong with me , ????? Why is my life going in a spiral ???? And why is it me who's affected and not my his and he was the one to have an affair not me ??? It should happen to him , we do have tiffs now and then but I know he made a genuine mistake and lust drove him a but it still doesn't change the fact now my heads messed up . And now I'm suffering ....
Apart from all this I'm a very bubbly , loud confident person who also talks a lot (as you can see) plus I am very emotional and weak towards my loved ones and think of things and every thing meticulously very deeply and anyone could ever imagine and I can't stop worrying and talking and think the worse , my husband says I drive him up the wall talking worrying thinking negative eft etc etc
Pls anyone out there help me pls pls pls pls pls pls
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