Is it anxiety or is it really god giving me signs I'll die ??? Pls help age

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I'm a new member here , after so many trials and tribulations in the last 5 yrs of my marriage life we both have come through it. Now we are much happier and trying to leave the past and think of present and future .

My past is that my husband had an affair and I went mental. I stared for the first time my life to have panic attacks felt as though I was slowly dying with a fast heart beat. Since then that was 2010, I always have these types of attacks and anxiety (I think that's what it is and that what you call it ) every time my husband still walks out the door or I hear him talk to someone I feel he may be having another fling, also my mind talks to me constantly saying such things as " he's upto it again' dnt trust him, I can't cope, I've got five kids with him I cope with the kids demand , I'm gonna die worrying etc etc etc... in 2012 I had a dream I died in my bed and my kids were around my bed and they were crying , if felt really real, then of course I woke up crying my eyes out etc etc etc. So what I did was I true ex the bed around as to what it wasn't from my dream , thinking that I'd die if the bed was in the same position as I saw in the dream.

One day my daughter had a dream few years ago and said she saw mummy ( me) dead and they were beside my grave crying etc etc

In feb 2014 maybe second wk of feb, I was talking to my daughter and I could see a invisible presence and/ or feeling you could say that something was wanting to come near me I got scared and went in a room where my nephew was , he 26 yrs old where my other kids were playing I felt the n ex to be around an adult if need be. I felt I should start to recite my last prays I actually might be dying , the devils actually come to take me , I literally felt I should lay down on the bed and my god was my hart heart beating so fast as though it was gonna jump out and I went all pale I tensed up and kept on praying slightly until the rush of this feeling slowly went down . It lasted for a good few hours I was scared shit ( sorry for language) I then could eat my evening meal I was shaking trembling and had an early night , I hugged my youngest daughter in bed and slept

The same happen again in March 2014 a few wks ago as though I could feel a presence which was after me and only I could see it and no one else . My Daugherty kept on saying " mummy what's wrong why a re you looking like that" I said shush very lightly and I felt my heart race again really badly I couldn't control it and then it went away after a few for hours

On both occasions I've noticed it takes a very long time for my heart to settle and I start getting these voices in my head I'm gonna die, it's here to take me, oh my god what do I do , then it status in my head for so many days after and doesn't fade away I don't forget it . Everytime I work cook clean sleep dive watch tele my head says it's gonna happen your gonna die sooner ing your kids behind not seeing them grow up college uni thier marriage grand kids etc etc I then so. And my heart races agai. And I the. Literally cannot lift myself up again and get up and go to the toilet cook nothing at all ....

On the 1st of April 2014 my husband dropped of the kids at home and he went to the bank to put some money in , he didn't tell me and drove off , I then wandered where the hell is he , on purpose I didn't ring him he's not a child and I cannot keep tabs on him like this so I rang his mobile after 45 mins of him dropping off kids. He said he put money in the bank , but whilst I was talking to him his background sound so peacefull as though he was in the car . Instantly my brain thought he's not in the bank he's talking to someone on the phone I. The car and doesn't want me to hear it he's doing it discreetly etc etc etc

Straightaway my mood changed and I went on a spiral down I started to think of all the negatives in t eh world, then I started to feel there you go again I'm gonna die ..... All night I could sleep my heart was pounding I couldn't feed my kids evening meal , I kept on seeing things around me I then could sleep at all throughout the night I kept on getting flashed that if a close my eyes I'll die and had this great constant dread in my stomach and voice saying don't sleep you won't wake up again I told all these to my husband and he reassured me he wasn't talking to no one and I'm worrying for no reason what can he do to make me believe him and I should sleep and not worry . I wS begging him to pray for me so I dnt die my kids are little etc and I asked him for forgiveness as it may be the last I ask of it , th then after 5am I fell asleep and quickly woke up in an hour to see if I was still alive and I felt so relieved that my eyes opend and I was still breathing I thank god so much I didn't die etc etc

Since then I've been googling my thoughts and came across this site and a lot of what ppl were saying matches how I feel and actually it my thoughts and fears may not be real death I feel but an illness if have. Then again I went through google and I came across another site called 'god giving signs before death and how a humans sub concious mind feels the time is near etc etc etc and I could also relate to a lot of things there that I was feeling such as seeing things , feeling hot even though the room is cold throwing off the duvet dreams before hand and how Abraham Lincoln dreamed his death before he died and so many other people etc etc also how the stages are of death where each limb by l. Limb is taken first the feet then the cc then the hop the. The chest then the arms then the last breath oh god it make me feel sick to my stomach to say it ....on the 2nd of April (I think) I had a little pull of the left foot muscle and I quickly woke up thinking oh god is this the first sign of the devil coming to take my foot first ,,,,, then I could sleep all night ...

Just now I was layng down in bed on my back I got a muscle pull on my left calf , I jumped and went on my side thinking on god it's now my calf and it was the left calf ( am I going in sane)

So I'm even more confused I haven't been able to snooze this morning and I came staring on this sight to talk to someone to (pls help)) ((

I have made am appoint ment with the do tors buts it's next week I feel I'm going to go insane by that time and I feel so weak I can. Barely talk cook get up . The more I google the more truth I feel it may be . ( am I right ??? ) what is wrong with me , ????? Why is my life going in a spiral ???? And why is it me who's affected and not my his and he was the one to have an affair not me ??? It should happen to him , we do have tiffs now and then but I know he made a genuine mistake and lust drove him a but it still doesn't change the fact now my heads messed up . And now I'm suffering ....

Apart from all this I'm a very bubbly , loud confident person who also talks a lot (as you can see) plus I am very emotional and weak towards my loved ones and think of things and every thing meticulously very deeply and anyone could ever imagine and I can't stop worrying and talking and think the worse , my husband says I drive him up the wall talking worrying thinking negative eft etc etc

Pls anyone out there help me pls pls pls pls pls pls

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    You are experiencing the first signs of a breakdown or episode of psychosis for sure. I experienced many of the same symptoms a couple of years ago and I left it too long before seeing the doctor. I eventually got to a stage of hallusinations and delusions. You need to book an emergency appointment with your doctor straight away. Tell him the truth in all its detail and trust him, he or she is there to help you. You need an anti psychotic medication as soon as possible.

    Try and stay calm, all of this which is happening to you is an alteration between your conscious mind and your sub conscious mind. Your louder inner voice will sometimes feel like as if its someone else talking. It is not. It is the compex integration between your conscious and subconscious not functioning as well. Medication will slightly mute and calm your inner voice and allowing you to think straight again. It will really help. Go see your GP as soon as.

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  • Posted

    Hi Michael32101

    Today I went to see the doctors , after receiving your email yesterday there was 100% truth in it . I had an appointment for the cing Friday but I cancelled that and went and sat in as an emergency and got seen .

    My doctor said it's not psychosis it's only depression , anxiety , about my past etc. She then gave me some counselling numbers and gave me 50mg of sertraline 28 tablets and she insisted without the tablets I'll get nowhere.

    I fully explained to her I was seeing things after me, can't sleep , can't eat , I hear voices constantly, I'm always in the house , do not go out , lost interest in going to my regular gym, weekly shopping , I feel angry and have negative thoughts running wild in my head .

    She reassured me it's not psychosis, and said she'll put me on a waiting list for counselling , it's a 8 month wait ! And if I want to go on a cognitive behavioural therapist list it's 18month .

    I clearly told her I could hold my thoughts and not let it run wild but I'm feeling I'm loosing grip and the negativatuy thoughts but I'm finding harder day by day to calm myself down and it's taking longer to ca my heart beat down both these processes are taking longer and longer to tame and it's scaring me that I'm slowly but surely I can see/feel I'm loosing grip of my thoughts mind and body and I do to know what else to do .

    Today it's the kids eater holidays and we all went swimming and I didn't enjoy that at all I don't know why I love swimming I , thought if I go out with the kids then it'll get my mind off it and I'll feel better but I felt miserable I felt it was sooo hard to smile and FEEL happy and ENJOY it . It wasn't coming naturally at all , whereas a human can smile automatically but it's gone and I felt very very distant from where I was , where I was I don't know either !

    I now vividly remember in my childhood times we watched movies where pea pole with mental issues were in a room by themselves and just looking out the window or the wall and not talk so much eat when told and go to toilet when needed or else they've switched off from the real world (I feel I could end up like this , and I honestly feel I'm maybe not far off sad(

    Please can you help Michael ...

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  • Posted

    Hi Anna,

    I can maybe help you with understanding and knowing a bit more of how the mind works through my own experiences. I dont know about medications and their strengths apart from the one I was on which is a different one from yours.

    Look at this as temporary, your mind will adapt, rewire itself around any bits that are not working as well. Councelling will help but its a bit useless if its 8 months away. The system is not very good unfortunately. Sometimes strong anxiety can give the effects of your conscious being kind of spooked a little by your sub conscious. In a healthy mind conscious and subconscious work integrated and harmoniously together. A healthy working mind is all most people experience in their lifetimes. Most doctors and mental health experts have learnt their stuff through books, lectures and so on. It is only the person who has experienced temporary mental illnesses that would understand more what you are going through.

    The more you can learn the better understanding of yourself and what is happening to you. Knowledge is key to getting your head more balanced and having control again. As you grow into understanding more your confidence will rise.

    In order to understand we have to use our imaginations and create analogies. For example, imagine your in a small boat in the middle of a lake. Your conscious mind is what you can see above the water. Your subconscious is whats underneath the water, but you cant quite see whats there because the water is not clear. Your busy rowing and looking around at the mountain ranges and lovely surroundings. Your really tired because you have not slept properly for many nights for whatever reason, maybe a stress build up, maybe a past bad experience that has not been resolved. You feel exhausted and unbalanced. You look at the water and with your tired eyes you see a huge shadow of something moving in the muddy water. Your mind because you cannot see it clearly is frightened and panics but really its a big fish just going about his usual feeding on the bottom of the lake.

    There was no need to worry, no need to panic but it is hard not to panic because you did not see or understand it clearly. Imagine that your subconscious is everything that is under the water. Then because you are so tired you begin to question yourself whether you saw it or was it just your imagination. After a little time goes by you are just full of fear and become jumpy at any little movement. The wind blows a little and causes waves making it even harder to see. Confusion, panic, anxiety, shaking and frightened, after a long time you eventually splash and row to the edge and get out of the boat.

    You take time to recover and calm down. You breathe easy again and look across at the lake. It looks calm again. A big splash of a big fish in the middle and you suddenly understand and realise what it was. You understand more.

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  • Posted

    Hi Anna,

    Through analogies we can take small bits of information and add it to a bigger picture. We can then gradually build more of an understanding of how our subconscious minds work.

    I think the subconscious mind is wild, and works in a world of all opposites with an integrated conscious mind controlling and finely balancing from this wild world. Our conscious mind is on a time limit before it is weekened at the end of each day, and needs to recover through sleep. If this weekened layer of consciousness becomes too weak over many days, weeks, months, it can leave a slightly more exposed inner self which is a bit wild and scary. So its as if our conscious layer is a protection from our inner wilder self. Both parts of our minds have to work in harmony as one.

    In our subconscious are instant feelings giving us immediate responses to keep us out of danger and for many other reasons. I think all feelings and emotions have opposites for example happy sad, love hate, scared confident, and so on. I think because of all these opposites our subconscious is a wild world of twisting and turning. But with our conscious layer working properly it gives control over things sometimes instantly and sometimes it takes a bit more understanding and thought to control.

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Sorry I went in a few days of over thinking, churning out theoretical nonsense. I coming off olazapine and its having stupid moments in the withdrawl.

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