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I hope everybody is well.
Im writing because i feel im at the end of the road..and the only choice i have is perhaps a road that would hurt alot of people around me
4 years ago i had a breakdown, prior to that i was holding everything together saving money and pishing through my career. The anxiety came and for about 4 months I was a mess, didnt eat wash or do anything. I met a guy i really liked and the anxiety destroyed it .. i was basically depressed. I even lost contacts that i had worked hard to build up
since then my anixety has made it difficult for most things. i struggled at work and in relationships i couldnt shake it
in a final bid to put my life back in order perhaps even and maybe stupidly start afresh, i decided to move abroad
the first week was fine, then i started a little minimum wage job to bring some money in.. the manager is abusive and horrible (and thats me putting it lightly so please no "oh managers are always like that") anyway it sytarted a downward spiral, i stopped eating smoked loads and generally lost the plot.
I dont know how to think anymore, i dont know my reason to be alive i just dont know. I know it was my choice to move, i knew it would be hard at first but i feel empty, i feel punished i feel a massive how dumb are you for moving. the future looks bleak as Ive signed a 9 month flat lease to stay here (worried i cant get out of it).
I ust want purpose to feel through everything i had been through perhaps this was my chance to feel "yes finally your suppose to be here, this is what your supppose to be doing"
theres jsut been alot in my life, mother that doesnt understand me and was horrible to me as a child, a father whoe raped my sister who i can no longer speak to again, and a career that started off well only to be ripped away due to my illness
i dont know who i am, why im here.. i even stupidly picked up a fortune cookie on the floor which said "may god hold you in his hands" that made me feel oh maybe his is gods plan.. how stupid is that?
i dont think like others, i dont act like others i cant be happy for some reason.. i dont know what to do im at the end of the road and i hate myself too much to carry on.. i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel
31, doing a minimum wage job in another country.. no husband or kids i'm losti dont want to go home a failure i dont even think theres much for me there
what do you do when you know your not suppose to be part of this world?
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