Is my wife depressed - she left with 4 day old baby - need help

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Hi, i am in search of help and advice. I am worried my wife is depressed and it is going to cost us everything.

Me and my wife have been together for 10 happy years and married for 18 months and tried for a baby for 8 years without success. We went through ivf failures and all other treatments together and were eventually told that we may aswel give up and move on with our lives. Infact all but one doctor who was dealing with us encouraged her to have a historectomy to stop the pain caused by endometriosis. In april 2014 we discovered that we had been blessed with a complete miracle and we were pregnant naturally. She fell pregnant in february and things changed immediatley.

She was about 10 days pregnant when she went out with friends on a work do. Two days later she told me she wasn't happy and listed all of my faults (most of which i couldn't argue with and was glad she'd told me) , nothing serious just not pulling my weight around the house etc.

I found out since that she had shared 57 text messages with a male colleague that night between 1:30 am & 3:30 am. For want of a better description this man is a sex pest and always tries it on with all the women. This was so out of character for her as she has always been the most honest and loyal person i know who bats men like this away even if she's had a drink.

On the day she told me she wasn't happy i noticed she had become friends with a man on facebook but thought nothing of it. This turned out to be an ex boyfriend from when she was 14.

As the pregnancy went on things got worse and she regularly insulted me and made hurtfull comments. I found out in august that they had been having an online affair and in the october started calling and texting each other every day. When i would find out more things she would lie - infact going from the most honest person i knew into the best lyer i had ever met.

All along i held off making a massive deal about this as i knew it wasnt like her and hoped when the baby arrived she would snap out of it. I won't lie it nearly drove me to breaking point bottling it all up but i kept it to myself as it would have made her look awful - i found out since that her mom, sister and handfull of friends knew. She had told everyone else she knew that i was paranoid and ruining the pregnancy just because she'd sent a couple of facebook messages to an old school friend.

My wife went into labour on the friday and i had to leave the hospital at 9. The following morning i found out that she had messaged this man 20 times that night and i had only received 1 reply.

The birth of my healthy baby boy turned out to be the worst day of my life that i spent dreading him looking like another man. All during the birth she was vile, she would barely acknowledge i was there and when i had to leave i went to give her a hug and kiss goodbye to which she turned her face away.

My son was brought home on the monday evening and on the wednesday morning i returned from walking the dog to find she had gone with my baby boy to her moms. Since she has been gone she has been lying about me to make me sound like a controlling, paranoid, agressive (only lost my temper once during all of this and i ran out of the room because i would never show agression in front of my wife). She has cut me off from her family and friends and created a web of lies in which everyone is telling her she has done the right thing. She refuses to speak to anyone who knows the full story.

I am terrified that she is suffering from a deep depression as she has had a very difficult 8 years with no let up in problems. The main 2 being losing her dad to alzeimers in sept 2013 after a long illness and finding out an ex boyfriend was killed in afganistan. They only ended due to a long distance relationship fizzling out but when she found out watching tv she never even flinched and bottled it up. It was only years layer i found out they were an item for 4 years.

The thing that worries me most is that she doesn't see any harm in what she's done and can't see why i am upset and worried. She claims that she is doing this for our son which is obsurd.

We have always been so close and in love and i can't remember us even having an argument let alone seperating. We were so close to having everything and she has rejected it. She was utterly miserable during entire pregnancy and would just change subject if brought up and any gifts brought throughout pregnacy were rejected also without even a thank you.

One day when we were alone i asked if she was depressed and she welled up and nearly cracked and was upset for 2 days. Something which she now denies ever happened.

I just don't know what to do and it is affecting my mental state now. I just want my wife and son home so we can be the little family we always dreamed of. Please help.

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  • Posted

    Wow. All I can say is, I am sorry you have to go through this. Maybe get a lawyer? Wow....
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  • Posted

    And yes she likely has post-partum depression and Lord knows what else...can you talk to someone who knows her but is still on your side? Maybe her doctor? Wow.
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    • Posted

      Hi Sarah, thanks for ur reply. Unfortunatly she changed hers' and my son's gp surgery without telling me for 2 weeks ( i had looked after my son a couple of times during this time so i wasnt happy). I should also add that my wife works in the nhs and knows about depression but is adamant that she doesn't love me and hasn't for years. This is untrue as i have love letters and cards thanking me for being her rock dated as little as 2 months before she fell pregnant.

      Aswel as changing gps she has done several bizarre things which she sees no harm in - mainly regestering our son without telling me.

      One main problem i have is her sister. She is pulling the strings and this is a woman who is 46 and never left home and has been having an affair with a married man (with 3 children) for 15 years. I dont want to bad mouth her bcuz she doesnt know full story but u can imagine what im up against if someone with no morals is giving all of the advice.

      I called a solicitor but they said to hold off because it is clearly depression and they didnt wnat to give me ammo to use just yet which could make things worse - (i know an honest solicitor haha - just my luck at moment).

      Tbh i was glad of advice as i am hoping she will snap out of it and become the loving caring honest woman i married. I really dont want it to become completpy irreparable.

      I should also add that i obviously became a super stalker trying to find out more info on their relationship and i am certain they have never met and 90% sure they are no longer in contact. I worry because she really cant see what this man has done wrong in starting an affair and flirting with a pregnant married woman. She is completly the opposite to what she once was.

      I do appologise if any spelling errors or wording a bit erratic but as i said my head is all over the place at moment

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  • Posted

    Hello Adam, I can feel your pain reading your post.It sounds like your wife is suffering depression caused from a combination of events such endometriosis and IVF and finaly getting pregnant.These are all hormonal conditions and would have caused your wife considerable changes in her body and mental state and she maybe suffering from post natal depression too. This however is not an excuse for her behaviour towards you. It does sound like something else is going on with her. Your wife really needs help but only she can ask for that and all you can do is try to talk to her and encourage her. Say you will be supportitive and want to help her. Don't get into an argument of who has said this and that. On the other hand i can see your emotional pain and thinking, in that your wife is communicating with other men and pushing you away. If you cannot talk to her is there a trusted friend that can act as a mediator to be a impartial listener. I would not ask any relatives as they will have biased views especially if your wife has put you in a bad light. I do hope you can find a way of communicating to get to the reasons your wife is acting like this and that you can both find resolution. Encourage her to see the GP for diagnosis and treatment, be sensitive to her needs and i think she would also benefit from counselling. Keep with this forum as we can be supportive to you.

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

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    • Posted

      Thank you Elizabeth. I know you are spot on and thats what i've tried telling her - reg combination of events. When i look back i spot signs that this is something that has built up slowly over the years and now it is controlling her completly. When i see her it is like she is dead inside and her eyes look black - sounds odd but it's all i can see.

      She always stands by the door ready to make a sharp exit if any questions come up she doesn't want to answer.

      I tried to visit a friend of her's who i have known for 10 years (witness at our wedding) & i have always got on really well with but i could see her hiding behind stair case ???? God only knows what else she has told people about me. It frightens me because if this doesn't work out it will most likely ruin any chance i have of a future relationship as word spreads fast. After everything i have lost it feels like she is taking my reputation as a nice loving man away from me aswell. She is angry with me for trying save my family where as any normal woman would be proud and gratefull that they had married a man willing to fight like this. I don't deserve this and i worry i am close to giving up on it and only see the woman she is now (who i detest) rather than the woman she once was. Her attitude is so rotten - "just accept some marriages don't work & give up". I can accept that but when there is a baby involved you have to at least try surely ?

      I fear that when the dust settles and this is over it may push her over the edge when she realises what she's threw away without a fight.

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    • Posted

      You sound like a loving caring husband Adam and I feel so sorry for both of you having to go through all this.   I must admit I did expect to read some bile against her further on in your post but this wasn't there at all which would have been understandable.  But you are clearly thinking of her first and foremost and I think that is great.  

      I agree with the others - she is clearly suffering from post natal depression and needs to seek help but no one can make her.   She has spent so long wanting a child and maybe now she has one it is a huge shock to her.   The responsibility for another persons life is not something you can ever adequately prepare for and it seems to have hit her hard.  You too of course.   

      I know it's very difficult but in your place I would take a step backwards.  let her know that you are there for her no matter what but not to pressurise her into any decisions yet.   Your main responsibility is to your son so as long as he is happy and safe then that's really all you can do.

      I am sure you are desperate to see your son and I think if you can be patient and wait a little until the dust settles you can work out some arrangements.   If you give her time enough then she might realise that she does love you after all and wants to be with you.   

      On the other hand she might realise she doesn't want to be but you still have a legal right to see your son.   

      I hope it all works out for you Adam - I really do.  Take care.

      bev xx

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  • Posted

    Adam,

    Now is not the time to contact her personally.  It won't get you any further. However, YOU MUST keep in touch by telephone, e-mail or writing to her.  Tell her how you feel and that you are worried about her.  Tell her you understand what she has been through and DO NOT BRING UP the texting to other men etc., that can wait until her hormones are back to normal.

    You could also see your GP (hers as well ) and tell him/her what is going on and that you are very concerned about your wife and your son.

    As to faults, well all men (and women) have them.  They tend to get magnified when we are under pressure or stress and then get blown out of all proportion.  Women are especially under immense pressure when pregnant.  Try and understand that.  I wish you well.  You can succeed.

    At the end of the day if the marriage fails then at least you will know you did your best.

    Then get some help for your own feelings from any groups near you (ask your GP about this the surgeries have names and addresses of people who can help))

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  • Posted

    Hi Adam,

    I am so sorry to read about all the pain you have been through with your wife. But my honest advice to you is to step back and give her some space. I wonder if she feels 'suffocated' by you? I am not so sure as everyone else that she is suffering from depression. It seems as though she can treat you like dirt and you just keep going back for more. She has therefore lost all respect for you. How did you know about her texts? Did she show you them or did you look at her phone? You need to ask yourself if anything you have done has made her feel trapped and therefore she has hit out at you.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. But I honestly think that the ball is in her court now. You must step back, give her space. The old saying 'if you love someone, set them free,' is a really good one. If you do that, and they still love you, they will come back of their own accord. Give her a couple of months. If she doesn't contact you, then you must make legal arrangements to see the baby. Good luck.

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    • Posted

      Hi evergreen. She has told me several times that i am flustering her with calls and messages and i know its best to leave alone but its just so hard when im so desperate to help her.

      I had noticed that a name kept cropping up on facebook and i caught glances of his name when walking past her several times. I put it down to being a work friend as like i said i have never had any incling she would do anything like this. I then heard her mention "an ex" when on the phone to a friend but put this down to it being the ex -soldier that was killed. I then started to realise she was behaving differently and suspected something was going on. I found an old phone that was still connected to her fb account and one day a message popped up from him which was deleted instantly. I then found a phone bill (which she never put any effort into hiding) and it showed calls and texts which she still bizaarly denied.

      I have never been paranoid - infact the complete opposite - i trusted her without question.

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  • Posted

    Thank you. I have just seen her and told her i am there for her when she needs me but i am going to take a back step now and leave her to it.

    She said she will see a doctor if she feels she is depressed (which she just won't admit bit i'm certain she knows it deep down)but on her own - which i feel is useless as she will just hide all of the facts as she does with family and friends.

    I will just have to play a waiting game now as ive done all i can and cant really give anymore.

    She does let me have contact with my son but although this may sound daft she seems very keen for me to have him as much as i want. I would never say she is a bad mother but she seems to be more of a carer than a mother and i personally haven't seen very much emotion in her towards our boy. She hands him over to me like he is a hand grenade and never gives him a kiss goodbye or when she picks him up. The 1st time she left him with me there was no emotion and she never once asked how he was which i found very strange as she was constantly telling me "promise you won't run away with him" before hand. This may be down to the awkward situation but i can't help feel it may be a problem in itself.

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    • Posted

      She is probably still learning how to handle a young baby. I know I was very awkward at first with my first born. I love both my sons,but have never been a kissy cuddly mother. But I think of myself as very maternal and would give my life for either of them, and am seriously protective over them. But I would hand them over to grandparents as babies and not necessarily kiss them or cuddle them when leaving. At least she trusts you with him, which is a good start.
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    • Posted

      Also it is hard to leave her alone as i would give my life for just one week as a normal family with my son. I fought for 9 months just for that chance and it was taken from me. I do know its best to give her time and i honestly do hope i can do it now.
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    • Posted

      I know it is so hard for you. But it is the only way. As I say, I am not sure that her behaviour is down to depression. If she was shutting everybody out, then yes, that can be a symptom, but it seems from what you say, it is just you. She has people around her who love and care for her and is confiding in them and so I do feel that the problem may lie in your relationship. Perhaps getting pregnant brought everything to a head and she started to feel trapped. Of course, it could be that she is hurting you because you are the closest person to her and she is hitting out. However, I really do think that she sounds as though she genuinely wants out of the relationship. I am sorry to say.

      I feel the only hope you have of rescuing it is to leave it up to her. If she really does love you, she WILL come back to you so long as you give her space.

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    • Posted

      Thanks evergreen. I have already considered your point and it is a possibility but i can't help feel that the timing of this complete change of behavour coincides exactly with when she became pregnant. I know she has cut off everyone who knows complete story includeing some very close friends but i can't comment on her other friends and family as she has cut me off from them. I know that her mom rang my mom and said that i need sorting out because i am threatening to take violence to their door - another complete lie they have been told which i can assure you has never been said or anything remotely like this. But her mom also made a comment that things are awful at their home and they are all really struggling. I know its just a matter of time before they realise that she isnt right but at the moment i presume they think she is down due to break up.
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    • Posted

      And if she just wanted out of marriage all of a sudden i can't see why the need for how cruel she has gone about it. I mean to take our baby when my back was turned, that we have both tried for for so long and payed for, that has only been home for 2 days Just doesn't make sense. I wouldn't have thought she was capable of doing that to her worst enemy let alone her husband.
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