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As I sit here and write this a few thoughts cross my mind:
Why do I feel this way? Did I ever do something to deserve this? Will this ever end? Am I the only person capable of ending it?
The past few days thoughts of suicide keep plaguing my mind and I'm not sure what to do. There's a darkness that lives inside of me and I can't seem to shake it off. It's been there since I was young.
Of course I don't want to die. I know this is a beautiful world and I'm only 22 - I've still got a lot of it to see. That said, it's been seeming like the only option for a while now. A permanent solution to maybe a temporary problem?
Either way it's making me agitated. The thoughts of it keep flying through my brain. I just want to be free of this burden. Free of the shackles that hold me down. Free to live. Isn't that what we all want in life? To be free?
I certainly know that's what I want. I just want there to be a day when I wake up and I don't feel like staying in bed all day. I want there to be a day where I can be truly happy and satisfied with my life. I just want the same things as anyone else. Maybe I don't deserve them. I've done some f**ked up things in my time and maybe this is my way of punishment.
I'm growing tired of this world. I just want a better day. Hopefully I live long enough to see it.
I want to cry but I have no tears. I want to be able to feel the warmth of another person but have no people. I want to be able to love but have no one to love. I just want that basic human connection that anyone else wants but people just think I'm a weirdo and that I'm not worthy of their interaction. Maybe I'm not. I just know that I'm so tired of all of this. I just want to be able to feel.
I wish I could ball my eyes out right now, maybe I'd feel a bit better afterward. I just want someone to hold me close and for them to tell me that they love me. Just to know that I'm safe because they'll protect me from whatever comes my way. I long for that connection. It could be worse. I could be with people who make me feel alone.
"“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams
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