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Is the easy way out always easy?

Posted , 6 users are following.

JayBags
JayBags

As I sit here and write this a few thoughts cross my mind:

Why do I feel this way? Did I ever do something to deserve this? Will this ever end? Am I the only person capable of ending it? 

The past few days thoughts of suicide keep plaguing my mind and I'm not sure what to do. There's a darkness that lives inside of me and I can't seem to shake it off. It's been there since I was young.

Of course I don't want to die. I know this is a beautiful world and I'm only 22 - I've still got a lot of it to see. That said, it's been seeming like the only option for a while now. A permanent solution to maybe a temporary problem?

Either way it's making me agitated. The thoughts of it keep flying through my brain. I just want to be free of this burden. Free of the shackles that hold me down. Free to live. Isn't that what we all want in life? To be free?

I certainly know that's what I want. I just want there to be a day when I wake up and I don't feel like staying in bed all day. I want there to be a day where I can be truly happy and satisfied with my life. I just want the same things as anyone else. Maybe I don't deserve them. I've done some f**ked up things in my time and maybe this is my way of punishment.

I'm growing tired of this world. I just want a better day. Hopefully I live long enough to see it.

I want to cry but I have no tears. I want to be able to feel the warmth of another person but have no people. I want to be able to love but have no one to love. I just want that basic human connection that anyone else wants but people just think I'm a weirdo and that I'm not worthy of their interaction. Maybe I'm not. I just know that I'm so tired of all of this. I just want to be able to feel.

I wish I could ball my eyes out right now, maybe I'd feel a bit better afterward. I just want someone to hold me close and for them to tell me that they love me. Just to know that I'm safe because they'll protect me from whatever comes my way. I long for that connection. It could be worse. I could be with people who make me feel alone.

"“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams

2 likes, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • sue34151
    sue34151 JayBags

    Posted

    Hi there you have not done anything to deserve feeling like this it's not something you did in your past, it's something a lot of people suffer from, it depression and anxiety and it takes over your life and your mind, to everyone else you seem normal but inside this darkness is overwhelming and all consuming. If you have  not seen your doctor it's time to make an appointment and be completely honest with them as they can't help you if they don't know how bad you feel. If you are under the doctor already go back and ask for more help. When you feel so low and alone thoughts often go to leaving this world as it seems to hard to continue in this way but there us a light at the end if the tunnel you just gave to keep making your way to it, I have lived with this illness for many years and with the right medication you can get through it, but I could never have done that without antidepressants you don't have to stay on them for ever just to get you through this period. Everyone deserves some happiness in their life and you are no different I wish you luck in your journey

    take care

    suex

  • richard89308
    richard89308 JayBags

    Posted

    you sound very unhappy.  Have you seen a Dr about maybe depression. You have some of the symptoms.

    Richard.

  • sam1231
    sam1231 JayBags

    Posted

    Hey Jaybags. I know what you're going through, though maybe not as severly as you're experiencing it. I also know that it is consuming and the emotions can mess with your head. 

    You dont deserve to feel all alone in the world. It seems from reading this that you feel alone and feel you should die for some of the things you've done in your past. Obviously I dont know what you've done, but I highly highly doubt it's bad enough for you to be contemplating ending your life. Help is available to people who feel depressed and suicidal; I know this because I've recently started getting help for my depression. 

    Try putting yourself into social situations to try and meet new friends, and I seriously reccomend going to the doctor with this. It isnt healthy to keep this frame of mind for too long. And dont be afraid to reach out to someone with this; there has to be someone in your life who will listen? 

    Take it easy

     

  • frustrated61
    frustrated61 JayBags

    Posted

    hi Jet ~

    Following Robin Williams quotes, he was so very depressed and people have said he was also ill that he didn't want his family to be "burdened" with his affliction.  So, not sure he's one you should "honor" but he was an awesome person, for sure.

    I hear you about feeling alone.  I have a beautiful family and many times I've been in the room with all of them (20 of us) and feel so darned lonely that I want to rip my skin off and run away.  However, I cannot do that, nor can I take the "easy" way out and follow the path of suicide.  Although, I have to say, i've had strong feelings of that and think at times, it is a good way to end it, on my terms.  But, I believe that I'll just have to come back and repeat what I haven't yet learned...so no, thank you.  

    Yes, this is a beautiful world and I want to see more, myself, so that I agree with also.  I guess in a nutshell, it's up to us to achieve the life we so desire.  if we're alone, we can fix that.  If we feel alone, we can fix that, too.  If we are feeling anxious, that can be fixed, too.  So nothing is permanent and all is fixable.  

    With all said, I hope you find yourself and feel better about yourself soon.

    Warm regards,

    Frustrated

    • frustrated61
      frustrated61

      Posted

      Not sure why I said "hi Jet" lol guess the eyes aren't quite awake as it's 3 am in the morning.

      But also, I want to say that no one deserves depression.  However, it is my belief that only a few select to address this awful affliction and many if not everyone walks around with some degree of depression...they chose not to address it and will remain in that state for a very long time if not ask for help, right?  

      So, it is with pleasure that I find myself on this site asking and addressing all you strong people dealing with depression and want to better yourselves.

      Warm regards!

      Frustrated

  • zebra0402
    zebra0402 JayBags

    Posted

    i feel like this quite a lot too

    mabye we could help each other

    if you want to except my offer message me and ill message back asap

    you are not alone in this.

  • goldwingman
    goldwingman JayBags

    Posted

    G,Day JayBags i way i look at this Forum No Matter how Bad we might feel there is allways some one some where doing   a Lot Harder than Me no Matter how Bad your feeling there are  some People a Lot Younger than me and im 62 in Hospital being looked after by Nurses at leaste im riding my Bike and doing a Lot of Charity work it gives mr a Lot of Happyness to bring a Little Joy to the Older Folks in old age homes around Easter i go around each year an Collect 70 Dozen Easter Eggs and hand then out to as many old age Homes with the rest of our Clun the Ulysses Motor CycleClub the Old Folk get a Big Bus from it been going for 5years Now hope to keep going last year we where Given well over 65 Dozen Easter Eggs and we split into a few groups and hand them out to all the Old Age Homes the Oldies Love it really puts a Smile on there Dial cheers Guys .
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