Is this an eating disorder? Body dysmorphia?

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Recently, I've shared in the forum that I came up with a new eating plan to try to lose weight and keep my Crohn's disease from rearing its ugly head.  It has only been this year, as the peri has taken hold, that I have hit my highest weight ever, but I've been struggling with a gradual weight gain off and on for several years now.  Last weekend, I found that I had lost 1.5 pounds.  But things got a bit scary this week.

My sister invited me on a one-week beach vacation with her and her two young sons.  I came here determined to eat only healthy, Crohn's friendly foods and not to gain weight.  For the first four days, I drove myself nuts, being extremely diligent about what I was eating, pushing myself to take long walks on the beach every morning and to go to the exercise room in our hotel daily.  I was getting in about twice as much activity as I had at home, according to the unforgiving FitBit that I started wearing not long after I finished a month of recovery from my surgery (I've worn it daily for a month).  For those four days, I got in about 5-6 miles per day of walking and also using a treadmill or exercise bike.  I avoided having more than something small for a sweet treat, like a small cookie, once a day.  And I was hungry a lot.

Yesterday, it all caved in... I had a Crohn's attack and got very sick.  I cut back on the exercise and fell back into eating more comfortable foods that helped to stabilize things some.  But the guilt I feel is huge.  Today, I was disappointed to "only" get in four miles of walking, in spite of the extreme heat outside (which of course helped bring on the attack).  I feel bloated and fat again.  I went out sightseeing this morning in the heat and had to go into a cool building because I felt sick on my walking tour.  I have a scheduled colonoscopy in two weeks, just had surgery two months ago, and I am really starting to feel at war with myself.  I hate my body.  I worry about my weight making my health worse.  It has become a constant fear.  

Perimenopause feels like like another disease to me.  I can't seem to find a middle ground with this, accept that I don't have to be perfect.  But I look and feel terrible about myself all the time now.

I don't know what to do.

 

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    I hate my body too. Way too much fat around my stomach that protrudes through my clothes. Skinny wrinkly upper arms that still manage to wobble!! The dreaded back fat. Any weight loss I try goes from my arms and face so I instantly look older. I have to find an outfit for my daughters wedding in August and I'm panicking about my body shape. I have the Fitbit too and it is a good incentive but can make you feel guilty if your step count is low some days.

    Good luck with your surgery xx

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    • Posted

      The stomach fat drives me crazy, too.  My hips are big and I have trouble finding pants that fit.  I agree about the Fitbit.  I used to wear a pedometer because I commute to work by bus and walk a lot, but I lost it somewhere and my sister gave me her Fitbit.  Can't decide if it's really an incentive for me or if it's just another source of anxiety.
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  • Posted

    When you get back from your vacation I would go back to your diet and exercise regime as that seemed to be making you feel better about yourself? It was working, you lost weight and was feeling positive. Don't be hard on yourself.

    Enjoy last couple of days vacation resting.

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  • Posted

    Body Dysmorphic Disorder is not an eating disorder per se, but it's part of an OCD disorder. My son has it. But he also has an eating disorder as well.  In that he doesn't eat hardly at all. So hes extremely thin. 
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  • Posted

    Crohn's is not your normal stomach flu, eating the right foods is essential for Crohn sufferer's. You're doing exercises right, except you're extremely wearing your body by doing it everyday, not giving your body enough rest. Rather than doing your exercises daily do it every other day, let your body rest. Don't forget to do an 18 hour fast 2x a time week to feel the effects of losing weight. Without fasting you won't feel results no matter what you do. 
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    • Posted

      Thanks.  Your comments have me thinking that I'm doing too much exercise overall.  I've had Crohn's for 20 years.  It is a constant battle to keep on top of it and make dietary changes when necessary, but it's much harder with peri.  
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