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Hi everyone, I wanted to post on here because I have no idea how I’m feeling lately and I’m looking for some answers/relief that I’m not alone. It'll be along post!! I'm sorry.
Some background: Starting just after Christmas this year, I have really struggled with health anxiety stemming from problems that did not really exist. I thought I had a brain tumor and spent every moment trying to convince myself I didn't. I took two trips to the ER during that period, where they told me that I had a pinched nerve and on the other trip, an anxiety induced migraine. Things have calmed down since I have been to a doctor and she told me I don't have a tumor. Then recently, I had a sensitive tooth and I couldn't help but think it was infected and I HAD to go to the dentist that day - or else the infection would reach my blood and I would die. I know this sounds nuts, but I'm just trying to give you a picture of my life.
I am 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I can't tell you how wonderful he is. He is kind, smart, funny, and comes from an amazing family that I love so much. Our love has always been stable and strong; he is my rock and my very best friend in life. We have the same goals and values, and I know that I want to have a family and future with him. We don't have giant arguments - we are really good at communicating and working out any problems we might have had. I've never once questioned us.
Until about two weeks ago, when I literally woke up and felt nothing. This is the scariest feeling in the world. I went from absolutely ADORING him, to feeling nothing. It has given me such bad anxiety the past few days to where I can't eat or sleep really. I pace around my house obsessively, thinking about every little thing about us. I feel pangs of guilt anytime that he does anything sweet because he loves me SO much and I feel like suddenly, I can't reciprocate that. I've struggled with the question, "Am I still in love with him?" and it has broken my heart to even ask myself that. I feel so guilty. I don't want to leave him, and I don't ever think about what it would be like to be with anyone else. It makes me anxious to be around him because I'm constantly overanalyzing everything to see if I feel the same way, and to not be around him because I just keep overthinking.
I have talked to him about it. I couldn't live with feeling like I was keeping a secret from him. He, amazingly, didn't go running. He told me that he knows I love him and that he's going to be right here while I work this out. That was so important to me.
Recently, it has gotten a bit better. I have an appetite back, somewhat. I still wake up everyday with this crushing anxiety and pit in my stomach. I want him to be around me, and when we’re together we laugh and I enjoy his company. Then there would be pangs - intrusive, dark thoughts - that I loved him, but wasn't in love with him. I look at pictures of us, read our old texts, and know that that I AM in love with him. I knew it literally a few weeks ago. We've been together for years so it hasn't been fireworks for awhile, but he is my very best friend and I loved him on a deeper level.
I'm a college student, and lately I don't have the motivation to do my work. I used to be outgoing and ambitious, but now I feel like doing the bare minimum to graduate. I am so anxious that I won't actually get into law school and will embarrass myself because of that. I kind of feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing to come along and that I'm just sort of... existing. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, and while I used to love doing my makeup every day it now just sits there. I just don't really feel warm and fuzzy feelings of love anymore.
I feel truly disconnected from the world. I see people laughing and smiling and hanging out with their friends and I can’t ever imagine myself being happy like that again. I am constantly upset and ruminating over how I feel about my boyfriend – I just want to feel those feelings of love again. While we used to spend hours talking about getting married and moving in, which I KNOW I wanted more than anything, I can’t see myself that far in life. I feel stuck here, perpetuating in this hopelessness.
Do you think this could be me projecting my feelings on to my boyfriend? How could it be that one day I literally just don't feel the same way? I'm constanly battling between "you're projecting your anxiety on to him" and "you think you have anxiety/depression, but you actually just don't love him" and it is driving me CRAZY. I don't want to feel this way anymore, it is torturing me. I just want my old self back, I want to feel my love for him back. Could it be that I am starting to get depressed? I’m afraid that I’m not, I’m just coming to terms with our relationship ending, which I DON’T want!!! Help please!
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