Is this Depression?

Posted , 7 users are following.

Hi everyone, I wanted to post on here because I have no idea how I’m feeling lately and I’m looking for some answers/relief that I’m not alone. It'll be along post!! I'm sorry.

 

Some background: Starting just after Christmas this year, I have really struggled with health anxiety stemming from problems that did not really exist. I thought I had a brain tumor and spent every moment trying to convince myself I didn't. I took two trips to the ER during that period, where they told me that I had a pinched nerve and on the other trip, an anxiety induced migraine. Things have calmed down since I have been to a doctor and she told me I don't have a tumor. Then recently, I had a sensitive tooth and I couldn't help but think it was infected and I HAD to go to the dentist that day - or else the infection would reach my blood and I would die. I know this sounds nuts, but I'm just trying to give you a picture of my life. 

 

I am 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I can't tell you how wonderful he is. He is kind, smart, funny, and comes from an amazing family that I love so much. Our love has always been stable and strong; he is my rock and my very best friend in life. We have the same goals and values, and I know that I want to have a family and future with him. We don't have giant arguments - we are really good at communicating and working out any problems we might have had. I've never once questioned us.

 

Until about two weeks ago, when I literally woke up and felt nothing. This is the scariest feeling in the world. I went from absolutely ADORING him, to feeling nothing. It has given me such bad anxiety the past few days to where I can't eat or sleep really. I pace around my house obsessively, thinking about every little thing about us. I feel pangs of guilt anytime that he does anything sweet because he loves me SO much and I feel like suddenly, I can't reciprocate that. I've struggled with the question, "Am I still in love with him?" and it has broken my heart to even ask myself that. I feel so guilty. I don't want to leave him, and I don't ever think about what it would be like to be with anyone else. It makes me anxious to be around him because I'm constantly overanalyzing everything to see if I feel the same way, and to not be around him because I just keep overthinking.

 

I have talked to him about it. I couldn't live with feeling like I was keeping a secret from him. He, amazingly, didn't go running. He told me that he knows I love him and that he's going to be right here while I work this out. That was so important to me.

 

Recently, it has gotten a bit better. I have an appetite back, somewhat.  I still wake up everyday with this crushing anxiety and pit in my stomach.  I want him to be around me, and when we’re together we laugh and I enjoy his company. Then there would be pangs - intrusive, dark thoughts - that I loved him, but wasn't in love with him. I look at pictures of us, read our old texts, and know that that I AM in love with him. I knew it literally a few weeks ago. We've been together for years so it hasn't been fireworks for awhile, but he is my very best friend and I loved him on a deeper level.  

 

I'm a college student, and lately I don't have the motivation to do my work. I used to be outgoing and ambitious, but now I feel like doing the bare minimum to graduate. I am so anxious that I won't actually get into law school and will embarrass myself because of that. I kind of feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing to come along and that I'm just sort of... existing. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, and while I used to love doing my makeup every day it now just sits there. I just don't really feel warm and fuzzy feelings of love anymore.

 

I feel truly disconnected from the world.  I see people laughing and smiling and hanging out with their friends and I can’t ever imagine myself being happy like that again.  I am constantly upset and ruminating over how I feel about my boyfriend – I just want to feel those feelings of love again.  While we used to spend hours talking about getting married and moving in, which I KNOW I wanted more than anything, I can’t see myself that far in life.  I feel stuck here, perpetuating in this hopelessness.

 

Do you think this could be me projecting my feelings on to my boyfriend? How could it be that one day I literally just don't feel the same way? I'm constanly battling between "you're projecting your anxiety on to him" and "you think you have anxiety/depression, but you actually just don't love him" and it is driving me CRAZY. I don't want to feel this way anymore, it is torturing me. I just want my old self back, I want to feel my love for him back. Could it be that I am starting to get depressed?  I’m afraid that I’m not, I’m just coming to terms with our relationship ending, which I DON’T want!!! Help please!

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Oh How I feel for you.My partner of 20 years ended our relationship 5 weeks ago.

    He just left me and my daughter. Where absolutely broken.

    Personally I don't believe he was in his right mind as his a drinker who got more and more depressed everyday.

    My advise is to ask your bf for a trial break. So you can sort out your feelings.

    I personally thought my partner projected his feelings about himself on me.

    Please think carefully before breaking up as there may be no return and you may regret it.

    In the long run you must do what make you feel better.

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  • Posted

    Hi Carli,

    What you are describing sounds exactly how I felt a few months before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with psychosis. I found myself questioning if I really wsnted to be with my husband; we had been together for 17 years. I didn't do anything, or tell him anything about my troubling feelings. You also said you are feeling anxious and have no motivation. If you continue to feel this way please go to your doctor and tell him everything. It does sound like you may have depression and the sooner you start to deal with it the better for you and your supportive boyfriend. Keep in touch on this site. We've been there and know what iit's like.

    Take care,

    Phyllis

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  • Posted

    Hi Carli - sorry to read of your situation. Make an appointment with your doctor. Discuss what you have been feeling, the period you have been feeling this way, and discuss methods in which you can deal with it. Medications may be required and  you should be referred to a psychiatrist who will asses your situation and prescribe meds. Medications for anxiety and depression are not a one-size-fits-all deal. It may take some tweaking and swapping of meds to find what works for you. A further referral should be made for you to see a psychologist where you can discuss your feelings, recognise triggers for your condition and dig down inside yourself to recognise where and what this illness stems from. This agenda will take time and it's important you stick with it. The meds will even out your mood which will help you deal with the issues - and it is also important that you continue taking the meds even when feeling better. A mistake commonly made is that patients will feel better and decide to just stop the meds which can lead to a downward spiral instigated by the sudden withdrawal.

    Talk to boyfriend about what you are doing. Include him. Ending your relationship at this stage when you are not stable would be a mistake - in fact any rash or important decisions should be postponed until you are feeling better and more in control. Make that appointment. You will feel better when you take action to address this situation. You owe it to yourself and your boyfreind. BTW you are lucky to have his support - many suffering mental health illnesses have no-one. Best of luck to you. We are always here to support you.

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  • Posted

    I don't think there is any doubt that you are suffering a period of anxiety/depression. The mind is a very complicated thing no one really understands.  Sometimes it can be something from your past your early childhood that suddenly rears its head, although you will probably dismiss this it's surprising what therapy reveals. If you cannot get any help from your Doctor, other than pills, try making an appointment with "Mind" there will be one in your area and you can call them direct and make 

    an appointment.  It can be really helpful in discovering the reason why you are having these feeling of helplessness feeling so lost and not knowing how to proceed. I really sympathise with you because I have been there.  I am sure you will find an answer and things will improve. Love to you, take care of yourself. X

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  • Posted

    Hi all, I just wanted to post an update. This past weekend was a good one. I took the weekend off of school and went home to be with my family. On saturday I started to feel like my normal self again, which I felt guilty for because my boyfriend wasn't around but I had been talking to him all day. So I tell myself it's not like I felt better with him not in my life, because I still had the urge to talk to him all the time. On sunday I felt good too, and my boyfriend came home to visit my family and I. What a good day! Went to lunch with my mom and him and felt normal. Well almost, there were still some pangs of intrusive thoughts but I kept them at bay and just enjoyed the time. We drove an hour and a half back to school together and sang in the car, and I almost felt normal again and it was SO wonderful.

    On the way back up to school we had to stop and visit a distant family member of his who was in hospice. I didn't actually go inside, as this was the same place my dad was in hospice years ago before he died, and I knew that going in would just throw me off the good feelings I had. My bf had no problem with this and totally understood. Then later that night, everything began to slip again.

    The next day (monday/yesterday), I spent all day obsessing over whether or not I found other guys attractive. I kept looking at every guy walking by, and when I did I KNEW I wasn't attracted to them in the way I was to my boyfriend but I just had to keep checking. I felt like if I did see someone attractive then I must not he attracted to my boyfriend and I had to leave him. I know this isn't true because I know attraction is much more than purely physical. Before all of this, I could recognize that someone was attractive and then let the thought go. Now it makes me feel guilty.

    And last night/today I just feel so utterly detatched again. I have had bad anxiety over this time period. I suddenly have this voice in my head saying "do you really want to feel the same way about him again?" and it is driving me insane. I KNOW I don't want to leave him and I KNOW we're meant to be together. But literally I feel like it's just gotten worse all of a sudden. Now I'm just totally numb, and this whole "you don't want to feel the same way about him anymore" is just ruminating in my head over and over again, causing anxiety. I can't separate that from anxiety or if that's truly how I feel. It is torturing me.

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    • Posted

      I should also add: over the weekend I felt so utterly excited for our spring break trip next week to Canada. Like I couldn't stop looking at all the places we were going to see and things to do. Now I'm back at school and midterm week is in full swing, which means I have a million things to do which is just more added stress. Now, I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin Canada by feeling distant this way. I'm afraid that I'll just want to be alone and not want to get out of bed and just be anxious the whole time sad

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  • Posted

    In a weird way your post made me feel not as alone. Of course you an I both know, millions of people suffer from anxiety and depression, yet we both feel alone when it comes to our feelings. I recently had a few back to back panic attacks that left me with anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I questioned everything from my health to my happiness, the happiness of people around me and of course my relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for about three years and I too told him that i felt the lack of love. One that i've never wuestioned before. We've had a pretty open relationship when it comes to feelings. He told me it worried him that one day I might wake up and might not want to be with him. That made me feel awful, I even thought why not just breakup with him so he can be with someone normal and happy. I cried and cried and felt so terrible for having these feelings. I started my medication and the feelings subsided for a week and a half. Yesterday I felt a bit of that feeling again too. After a couple counseling sessions i've been learning to pick rational and irrational thoughts apart. I thought before this did i question my love, no. Do I have a reason I don't love him, no. If he were to not be in my life tomorrow how would I feel? I'd feel terrible, 100x worse than I already did/do. You do love him. I know i just get so caught up in my emotions that I start trying to find fault in anything I can to explain my feeling of anxiety or depression. The medication and counseling have put me in a better spot to start sorting out my emotions and learning about why I feel these ways. I'm cconstantly emailing doctors and trying to get new tests and lab work done, constantly worrying about my health. I feel that its my way of distraction of why I feel this way. Some its a true cchemical imbalance, others its situational or learned. I live in a highly stressful home, for me. Some would say I live an easy life but I am pressured in my life to live a certain way because of a parent. Look deeper into your own life since it's you dealing with this situation right now, not your boyfriend. Find where this all started. Talk to a doctor or try therapy if you havent already. I personal like cbt based therapy and I like reading about it and trying to exercises. I have a long way to go but I already look at the situation as one to learn from. Learn to love in a way that I never would've been able to if i wouldn't have known this feeling of my own rocck bottom. I love getting ready too, makeup hair and clothes. I went a while with none. I'm slowly starting to get back to shopping and makeup onec a week. It's slow but i try and challenge myself to learn a little more everyday. I look at a tough situation and think about how I would handle it and how I can handle it to cause myself as little anxiety as possible. If you need someone to talk to let me know, we're both going through what seems to be similiar situations and we can both get through this.

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