It just gets worse

Kelly

No-one picks their Parents and to be honest Parents can carry as much luggage that they pass down to their children.

I went through a bad time from being a child right up to and including retirement, I was brought up at various times with a Surrogate Family, my Mother admitted when I failed my eleven plus She was finished with me. I also had Sibling Rivalry.

In your situation I would advise at thirty you move on and say good bye to this none functioning Parent now and look for your new life.

Sad to say if you fail to move you will become trapped by the unpleasant situation you find yourself in. It may be your Mother feel you should have by now flew the nest and She needs to feel her own space. What I have noticed there is no Father mentioned in your home life and the dynamics of the family home ?

Consider this, you move out to a flat or bedsit short term, I moved into a flat until I was able to find something better. From that see how the relationship goes for a time, When you are ready to move on look for a place and if your relationship has not become better, move on not telling where you are now moving to.

I did the same we moved from a property we had lived in for thirty years and sold out and bought a bungalow at sixty, it has been adapted and none of my family knows where we now live. The reason no-one knows where we moved to was to protect ourselves from being traced.

You could of course hang on, although I feel the situation has gone way past that, I cannot see if CBT would help either, you know what you need to do for some form of peace.

I gather you are not married, if you are that will change the dynamic even more and that could be the reason why you find the home life stressed.

Try not to overstay your welcome, 

BOB

Trust me I wanted to leave ages ago but I got sick and lost all my money and living in the city it’s hard to even buy lunch

I’m moving away soon but I’m worried it won’t work out my life is doomed

Hi Kelly,

I can’t say enough how sorry I am that you are going through such a traumatic time.

Reading through what you have said, I can understand why this is an immense trauma for you.

When we feel we are on the ‘outside looking in’ that feeling of abandonment is awful and not an easy fix.

A child’s primary need is to feel safe and validated and when they are subjected to this specific type of behaviour from parents or caregivers, the child overcompensates in doing just about anything to gain that validation.

You say you were never listened to and blamed for most things, the mother’s own insecurities have the biggest part to play.

People that use others as a ‘scapegoat’ tend to either single out one child that gets this negativity or they will use a triangulation method in which other siblings will get their turn at being the scapegoat.

It mainly happens to validate the parent not the child.

They also tend to keep a unified front in place so that everyone agrees with them therefore, the parent is not brought to task or questioned on their behaviour. 

This emotionally abusive behaviour is shameful and disgusting at its core. It sadly rarely ever changes and these behavioural types rarely seek help themselves. There are lots of labels for this type of behaviour however, in no way will I confuse you further as another professional will be better placed to assess the specifics.

You mention that your future move may not work out. If you have received this systematic behaviour from an early age, then of course you will automatically assume most things you do will end in failure.

You must be exhausted with the perfectionism and hyper-vigilance of looking over your shoulder waiting for the next wrath.

However, there is hope and with time, a healthy way out.

You are doing the right thing by walking away from the toxic behaviour and I admire your strength.

Most people who are on the receiving end tend to be the ones who look for help and healing. I suggest you seek out professional guidance, you are young enough and deserve to build a healthy adult life for yourself.

There is lots of help out there and Schema therapy is just one of many. Schema offers a way forward in that it goes back to childhood and explains the reasons behind the trauma in detail, it also provides you with a full awareness from reasons of people pleasing, overcompensation and detached failure behaviours etc.

You then will start your own journey and have a real chance at a healthy adult life. If you need to talk I'm here.

Please let me and others know how you are. 

Take care

Hi Kelly really your story was like ready a part of me, i too went through this so you are not alone. the difference is to make you feel so much better i will tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel, i am 54 now but at an early age going back to when i can remember say 14, i knew i was an outcast, mum never wanted children always made that known, she was ill we never knew then, me and my brother never stood a change but me being a girl got the worse of it, my mum took over my life, what i said , my thoughts, what i wore, no friends, no mixing with anyone, so bullied at school, worse when i left school , chose my job, yes in a bank, no hated it, i am a hairdresser and beautician, only because i left home at the very early age of 17, and it was not easy, no money, no where to live ,no job, lived on streets for a while it was tough, but i did it, got a bedsit, an apprenticeship in hairdressing and beauty, worked my butt off passed all exams, got my own place in 10 years brought it, and do not get me wrong life had been hard the god times and the bad, i had my mum in my head a lot telling me i will not succeed , but i promise you, you are 30, i was only 17, it is scary out there but you only get one life, you go and live it girl, get out there and grab what you want to do, you are your own person, i hated my mum for years i hated the world for years, i ended up with depression and anxiety but i am getting help for that, that is for something totally different , i am having counselling, and i am great on the road to recovery , so please be strong follow your head and your own thoughts and sort out your heart later, when your as successful as i am lol xxx