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I hate my family from day one I felt it that my life wouldn’t be easy something told me I was always going to be on the outside looking in.
Today again my mother brought me to a state of angry frustration and vulnerability. Since I was young she has never listened, blamed me for everything and penalised me for the smallest thing. I’d get into a rage lose my temper and shout perfusely. Matherlistically she has provided but her own way of creating a relationship that meant I was in debted to her and meant that I had no say no opinion and no rights in my own home.. if the computer breaks I’m faced with “what did you do”
I don’t know what to do anymore I’m 30 and planning to move away to start a new life..but it will it work out I feel I don’t deserve it too. I wouldn’t say I was religious but I believe in God I feel he’s going to punish me cos I once again ended up shouting because she failed to listen to me. I feel sometimes he doesn’t care or he doesn’t see it ..does he not see how much she bullies me encourages my anxiety my lack of self esteem her atangonist ways..but I feel I’m always in the wrong because that’s a parent and you should always respect them.
What I’m saying is I’m scared of my future I’m scared that no matter how much I try my life will always be a struggle, a struggle for peace, struggle for contentment struggle to just feel for once I’m part of this world that I can have a normal family, just feel that I’m allowed to be happy
I don’t know what to do, my move is my only shot I’m putting everything I can into it but what if it fails what if I deserve it to fail what if I’m just a fantasist
I don’t know what to do anymore I feel I have nobody and will never have that family unit I would love ...I just feel from the beginning my life it was set out it wouldn’t be normal and I’m stupid to think it ever will
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