It ruined my sexual life

Hi So126,

Sorry to read of your troubles. When we are young and things happen to us we can only process so much. Therefore, if something bad happens then it can get buried away, lost for ever, or, as in your case an episode happens which releases these long forgotten memories and we relive them as strongly as before.

Your partner was very wrong to even attempt to rape you, never mind carrying on when you made it absolutely clear you wanted it to stop. Unfortunately it seems he may get some sort of "excitement for want of a better word, by forcing himself on you. Curiously only when he is drunk, which probably demonstrates that he knows he is doing wrong when he is sober.

This cannot go on and if it does then where will it lead him-bondage? torture? You say you still love him, but does he really still love you?

At the very least in my own opinion you both need counselling, but you may need counselling for past as well as present experiences.

Mike.

Hi so, I can not quite know what you went through but I know that men can really hurt you terribly. I have had 8 months of counselling for assault and now I have to have more as I haven't quite got to the stage where I feel happy enough and feel like I can cope with the fear that still plagues me. There is rape crisis that can help you and where we live there is a charity who have specialists who help you to cope with child sexual abuse. I wish you luck.x I'm never giving up.x

Hello,

There are things that we know but sometimes forget.  For instance, can we accept that because one person was a molester, not all people are molesters?  And, most molesters were themselves molested when they were young... it is often part of a malicious cycle.  I think it is logical and to your benefit to 'accept' this as a fact, but only a fact, not a good thing.  And that you want to move on and make a good life for yourself.  While it is true, something bad happened, but by moving on, you can make a life where you can enjoy intimacy and sex.  Be selfish... do this for you.

Your boyfriend may have been molested as a child and never grew to accept that he can overcome his fears and secrets.  He only knows what he has learned from his life experiences, and has not made the effort to go beyond that point.

You, on the other hand, have a chance to change your life.  Recognize that you don't have to hold on to fears and memories that hurt you; break the cycle.  You WANT to break the cycle, otherwise, you would not be writing here.  The first step is to break it down to these simple understandings and steps.  Break the cycle.  The common cliche about riding a bicycle or horse is that if you fall off, you must get back on right away.  Avoidance will only deny you the use of bicycles and horses!

Sex is a good and wonderful thing.  It is a blessing, and many good things flow from having sex.  Your problem now is only that you have not yet decided to put these unfortunate experiences behind you.

Please don't misunderstand.  You are correct to have these feelings... you were wronged, and it is good that you think about it and understand it.  But it is to your benefit if you are able to put the bad things into a perspective that allows you to move on.  Armed with this understanding, you will see the signs of a potential repeat of the bad experience, and to avoid it.  These people who have harmed you have not laid the issue on the table as you have and examined it... so it is still causing them problems in life.  Don't become one of these people.  Face the issues that cause problems, real or perceived.  If you spill coffee, you clean it up so you don't create a mess for you or those in your life.  Clean up the spill, clear your mind, and enjoy the coffee.  Get back on the bike.

The fact that you react in a violent way indicates that you know both the action and reaction are wrong... but that you do not know how to deal with it.  So, lashing out is kind of like a "fight or flight" reaction.  

You may need to talk to someone to confirm if what I say is correct or if it applies to you. But please don't over-think it. If you can put your problems in perspective but still move on from them, you will be happier... and your's is the happiness you must work on.  Good luck! 

How awful for you.  Why aren't you surprised you don't want to sleep with a man who raped you?   Who would?  Was he drunk when he did it not that that excuses it,  Does he still drink?  Does he realise he must stop drinking in order to avoid a repeat attack?

How can you love a man who rapes you?  Any man who does that to you has a very screwed up idea of love - can you live with that?  Men like this don't love in the way most of us understand it,  they just want possessions and you are one of them.   Is he controlling?  Is he supportive in other ways?   

Unless he has taken steps to avoid doing it again such as relationship counselling,  drink therapy (if appropriate) then the chances of him doing it again are very high.   Trust is a very big part of any relationship - do you feel you can trust him?  

Have a good think about these questions and what you want in life.  You deserve a man who is kind and would rather cut off his own arm than rape the woman he professes to love.   

I was quite shocked to read your post. Your boyfriend raped you but that's ok and you still love him?

For me, that is the ultimate act of betrayal. How can you trust someone who has done such a terrible act?

In all likelihood, he will do again. I understand why someone would not wish to report being raped, or not tell their family, I get that. But, playing devils advocate, if that is what he does to his girlfriend, does that then make him capable to raping someone else?