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It's been close to over a year that i've been on here and i guess the reason why i'm back is because i don't know who i can really vent to. I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder two years ago, and at the time it was really brutal. The last year has been alright, still had its high and lows but right now i feel horrible probably the worse it's been since the last time i posted here.
I've tried a lot to be healthier and happy within the last year. Started working out, took up photograpy, and even got to start y first relationship. But as it stands right now i've realized none of it has made me sincerely feel even better. I was on SSRI's for the first year and a bit, moved on to mood stabilizers and without my doctors permission i've stopped taken them; and haven't for at least a year now because they made everything seeemingly worse, but that's not really what's weighing on my mind.
I believe a lot of my slumps have to do with the fact that i honestly and truly believe i fell in love. So, everytime i see that person online or in person it hits me really bad. It's bad enough to the point where i'm debating breaking up with the person i'm seeing just because it hurts to much to lie and say i love them when my heart is somewhere else. The worst part is that the person i fellin the love with has no clue about my feelings and i wouldn't ever dream of admitting my feelings in dear that i'll lose one of the few people i have support from.
The fact that i'm still working a horrible retail job which are graveyard shifts doesn't help. I'd like to find something else but whenever i apply and i do get calls, i never call back because i'm scared. I'm scared because i'm hardwired happiness comes with change, so when i go through change i'm let down. It probably also has to do a lot with just me not feeling all that great about myself; and how hard it is for me to start over with new people. Especially after going through several highschools and finishing it around the same time i was diagnosed with DP.
I'm starting to feel super apathetic towards everything really. My mind keeps telling me i don't want to live. I don't think it's necessarily true. I think i'm looking for a way out, to straighten my life out, and to do something where i feel like im being productive. I want to stop letting my feelings for somebody control the way i feel. But there's just no will or drive to get up and try again to make some change.
I'm off work for the next week after being rear-ended yesterday so i'll be really looking forward to reading and speaking with some of you. Any and all replies and advice are greatly appreciated.
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