It's the worse it has been in a while.

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hey, everybody.

It's been close to over a year that i've been on here and i guess the reason why i'm back is because i don't know who i can really vent to. I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder two years ago, and at the time it was really brutal. The last year has been alright, still had its high and lows but right now i feel horrible probably the worse it's been since the last time i posted here.

I've tried a lot to be healthier and happy within the last year. Started working out, took up photograpy, and even got to start y first relationship. But as it stands right now i've realized none of it has made me sincerely feel even better. I was on SSRI's for the first year and a bit, moved on to mood stabilizers and without my doctors permission i've stopped taken them; and haven't for at least a year now because they made everything seeemingly worse, but that's not really what's weighing on my mind.

I believe a lot of my slumps have to do with the fact that i honestly and truly believe i fell in love. So, everytime i see that person online or in person it hits me really bad. It's bad enough to the point where i'm debating breaking up with the person i'm seeing just because it hurts to much to lie and say i love them when my heart is somewhere else. The worst part is that the person i fellin the love with has no clue about my feelings and i wouldn't ever dream of admitting my feelings in dear that i'll lose one of the few people i have support from.

The fact that i'm still working a horrible retail job which are graveyard shifts doesn't help. I'd like to find something else but whenever i apply and i do get calls, i never call back because i'm scared. I'm scared because i'm hardwired happiness comes with change, so when i go through change i'm let down. It probably also has to do a lot with just me not feeling all that great about myself; and how hard it is for me to start over with new people. Especially after going through several highschools and finishing it around the same time i was diagnosed with DP.

I'm starting to feel super apathetic towards everything really. My mind keeps telling me i don't want to live. I don't think it's necessarily true. I think i'm looking for a way out, to straighten my life out, and to do something where i feel like im being productive. I want to stop letting my feelings for somebody control the way i feel. But there's just no will or drive to get up and try again to make some change.

I'm off work for the next week after being rear-ended yesterday so i'll be really looking forward to reading and speaking with some of you. Any and all replies and advice are greatly appreciated.

 

2 likes, 10 replies

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    guess nobody cares
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  • Posted

     Hello I am bipolar `11 also and in a rathe rbad patch which wont lift. but you know as I do that bad patches will occur no matter what and they arent the whole truth about y ou. YOur personality problems are certainly very like mine.

     BUt the in love thing,is just one year and a half then its gone and you are back with anormal person whom you should love by then but not be in love with. BY the way INdian maraiges work best. This is just a typical bipolar sex thing, it wont last atall, and you will have destroyed everythingh you have. Do you not love your girl friend?? wife or whatever. remember the in love thing is just a  bipolar thing.

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    • Posted

      See, i'm unsure if i have feelings or am even able to form deep enough feelings for the person i'm dating. It's been stated and shown through action that the person i'm dating cares deeply about me, but i don't think i can reciprocate that. Especially when my heart's with somebody else rolleyes

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  • Posted

    Hi Jared - yes, people do care. The situation you are in is a very difficult one. Being in unrequited love with someone you see often, who has no idea what you are feeling, and who may (or may not) run away if you tell them, is one of the most painful things to endure. Heartache all the way. The other dimension is that you are currently in a relationship with someone else toward whom your feelings are not as deep.

    There are several points that must be considered here. The first is that love is a fanciful emotion. We can believe our ove is pure and that to be with that person will solve almost anything. The reality is that the object of our desire may not feel the same way. If, on the other hand, the love or attraction is mutual, after the first glow dims, we begin to find the object of our desire is not necessarily as ideal or perfect as we first imagined. That can lead to depression because we put so much emotional energy into the dream just to find we have to wake up. A third dilemma is whether that person has another or other romantic attachment. Can we expect them to forgo that to be with us when we don't even know if things will work out. You have an attachment, one that would have to be dealt with carefully and clearly - and honestly. 

    You need to do the unthinkable. Talk to the object of your desire. Tell them how you feel. Be prepared for rejection. Decide beforehand how you will cope with that. Don't mention anything to your current mate until you have determined what the situation is with the object of your desire. This is going to be difficult, but the truth is often hard and uncomfortable - and what is the alternative? Yearning for someone you cannot have because you will not tell them? Or telling them and getting it all out where it can be dealt with, good or bad, love or not?

    The other point I would make is that we as humans often tend to think that a certain person (or job, or possession, or wealth) will change our lives and the sun will come out. All too often we are wrong. Have you ever watched Gone With The Wind ? Scarlett spent her best years thinking she loved Ashley when the love of her lfe was beside her all along. When she finally realised, she lost both.

    I empathise with the difficulty you are facing Jared. Love hurts. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

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    • Posted

      The unthinkable, is unthinkable for a reason. It doesn't make it any easier when the object of my desire is closer to three times my age and married. How would i even start the conversation? I've ran through that scenerio so many times and honestly the unpredictablilty of the whole situation is paralyzing to just think about. But i understand my other option as you mentioned. I guess being scared of the grass on the other side is weighing heavy on my shoulders.

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    • Posted

      Hi again, Jared. Thanks for responding. Gee, those facts put a different perspective on things. Almost 3x your age AND married? Pretty complicated. There are only two choices - bite your tongue and hope the infatuation passes, or reveal your desire. I would say the object of your affection will probably - hopefully - gently let you down but they will tell their partner. It most definitely affect things if you speak out. Tough call, and one only you can make... 
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    • Posted

      No, thank you for the replies. It's very tough considering the POI was the one person i had to talk about all these dark thoughts, and i guess i became too vulnerable and then attached. To a degree i guess that person is the reason why i do anything to this day, i feel like i'm in this never ending cycle to try and impress them, and if that person wants nothing to do with me i'm afraid of what will happen. I've attempted before and i'd like not to go back to that place again. But again that's my toughy decision. rolleyes Thanks again wayne.

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  • Posted

    I only have suffered from depression, so I can't relate to bipolar disorder, but i have recovered and for the last two years ive been a normal, happy, fulfilled individual with high self respect and big ambitions.

    I never thought this day would come back then.

    I only read about your condition now, but it seems like with enough work and some time its possible to have a stable and fulfilled life, but learning to control the ups and downs, etc.

    So there is hope and this is what you have to works towards and accept that sometimes you will just feel helpless, and by the sound of the condition, also control when your too happy and feeling impuslive. (im sure its harder than it sounds) but work on it!

    self-respect is the key!

    wish you the best

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