Ive lost myselfH

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Hi Folks, its me tiny tears. This experience want last long here on this forum.

Its like I am ready do do something, and then a big nasty brick wall gets in my way , I slam my bike brakes on to stop hitting my head, to stop driving into it. but crunch.....here I am again!

There are people that have bee through stuff that I have, unable to cope and signing on for IB. I should know, I used to work and read their files. I do not want to end up there. I am a fighter. i am now taking nothing afterm having ben prescribed cit for nearly a year, then that mirtazipine.

Mirtazipine helps you sleep, but suffer god awful nightmare, i stopped it due toi this more than anything, yet I am still having nightmares. Earlier I was throwing up massive nlodd clots and looking at my tongue in the nirror with the blodd dripping out...and convincing myself that everything will be okay.

In away , iwas blessed, I was fortuante to go ut with a lovely bloke, he finished it with me, as he had a child and thought it fit to go back to his ex for the child.

He was kind, thoughtful, sensitive, and basically genuinely lovely. If it were not for him, I would not believe in any kind of hope. Lol, next to my granda,jamie was the only ever man to say I was intelligent adn okay looking.

Well, citalopram, probably is a very good med, mind you I am hardcore, i remeber as a child before my eye ops, I remebered everything before the anaesthetic. Everything, and the biggest thing I remeber is when the nurse took my security blanket from me, and started to tape my eyese...then nod off.....the worst thing about that was the naseau after and the fact that i could not go to the lou without baning into things, when my eyes stung and I could not open them.

My vision field has never changed, not really, the left side of my body is weak, my right side very strong. My hearing over compensates for this, probably why I love music so much. anyway, i am off, good luck to you all . Had my situation been better I would probably be fine now, but hey hoo, not the case. take care,m an ddont give up. TT

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    What do you mean, \"This experience wont last long here on this forum\"?

    At what point do you decide to seek genuine help from an experienced professional? How long do we choose to put off making a decision which will affect our lives?

    Richard Branson once said that it is the big decisions which really hold us down. Do we accept the offer to work as part of a team in Saudi Arabia for 3 years, with nothing solid to come back to, or do we take the employer's counter offer of a slight wage increase and ten extra hours per week? It's about stepping out of our comfort zone, releasing long-held and sometimes cherished opinions and beliefs, in order to grow.

    Katy, you are an intelligent girl. Like most of us here, you have a problem, and like most of us, it is deep, hard to define exactly, difficult to accept that we must change us from the inside out or we will continue to receive what we have always received. And that's not good enough. You have 168 hours in every week Katy. Try and set aside just ten minutes a day, in perfect quiet, either first thing or last thing each day, to think about what it is that you want, to imagine yourself having it, to feel the beginnings of the thrill of your new life. You could be a great teacher.

    In this post you have told us about some of your negative attributes. Now be honest and think about your positives. You are good with customers. You know heaps about music. You would be incredible in a record store. You have survived a disappointing few years, but you have two wonderful daughters who love you. You went through pain to have them. They deserve to know you, to understand and be proud of you.

    I could not have got through the past few setbacks without Citalopram. Yes, it has drawbacks and side-effects, but it helped me to get back on my feet. Your recent posts are so much more positive than some others. You can do this Katy.

    xx

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  • Posted

    :cry: :roll: Today has to be one of my worst!!! Even thinking about taking cit properly, I have 60 tabs in my cupboard and thinking about goping back on it, just to get me through. Having such bad thoughts.

    Even at work, all I kept thinking was \"she does not like me, and she thinks I am a crap worker\" , and then questioning my self about i, and thinking \"she does not need to like me\", and then spoke to me in a fashion that made me shudder and think sh*t I am off on one. But managed to restrain myself from crying or shouting and carried on, though got really clumsy and started to make loads of mistakes, and then this made me worse then I would get more and more upset with myself. I now seem to have a permnmanent lump in my neck that hurts and on the verge of crying all the time.

    Mum met me from work, and i tried to talk to her about things. She started to cry.......sneaking her fingers and wiping the tears away. I told her pretty much everything...She told me to keep my nose incredibly clean and put a fire rocket up that place where the sun dont shine, and clean everything. Make everything immaculate. Never dirnk again....do this for a few months and then move out/

    She did stick up for my partner on several ocassions throughout the conversation and it made me almost vicious. I am not ever going to ever go out with asnother person unless he thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, and thats final!!!!!

    My mum has requested that she come along with me to see my doctor now that she knows a fair bit. She knows about the drinking and the fact that he takes my children out and never tells me where hes going. She even helped me comb the house in search of his RBS details. As I have no clue as to his financial situation, He will not tell me.

    I get annoyed ith myself, so annoyed, to the point I really do just want to end it. How could I have been so stupid?????? This hurts, I never want to see myself again, I never want to eat, or trust another person enough to share hapy times with. Whats the point?

    I love my children a, but they dont deserve a sh*t mummy, do they? They deserve a good one, and I would not be surprised if he has allreaddy got a step mum tucked up his sleeve.

    Ive not had a physiccal relationship with him for years, Iif I have happened to be touched by him its been due to his wants and me obligating due to fear that he may kick me down in the hall again. My advice, ladies, never let a man treat you this way.

    I am just wondering if he can leggaly do this? Got home to find a gas bill an electricity bill and a tv license in my name....I did not realise I was the bread winner here....bloody cheek and hes switched the ctc into his account. I am thinking they belong to the children so therefore best in a totally seperate account away from either of us.

    I get annoyed with me for watching my best friend fight back her tears , while her baby girl turns purple again...and I am upset???? Just think waht a cheek!!!!!!!

    I am lost and do not know what to do. Ill just go and tiduy up then. take care, sorry to dribble on , but it has helped me a little.

    Breezman,hope you are doing well and each day you are getting better. Do you feel any better?

    Take care, all of youm Katy

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  • Posted

    Katy, If I could wish you one thing, it would be to please stop being so damned hard on yourself.

    Don't think of yourself as a bad mum. Think of all the things you've managed to do for your children in spite of all the things you have had to deal with. They love you, I'm sure.

    Think of your music. How you can bring instruments to life. From your previous posts, the flute and the piano. You have gifts. You have intelligence. You have kindness and gentleness in your heart . Please find it in yourself to recognise these things.

    Goodnight my friend.

    Take care and best regards.

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  • Posted

    Stiltman, thank you for your kind remarks, . i simply cannot get out of this painful state ive chosen me to get into. Do you think its as I just stopped taking that mirtazipine?? I am right back to square one.....and its rubbish. I feel rubbish...went out for a walk, and lol bumped into Harvey nicks on the way. Ive never been in that shop before, and boy did I slgg off htose designer handbags. Then came home, crying, not really wanting to return.

    I just cant seem to pull myself together.

    I am freezing cold, and extremely tired and so naseaus that I think I am going to throw up, yet I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am getting embarassed about how long this has gone on for me.....my cpn is on her holidays as well, and I feel I could really do with her help right now.

    I dont know what to do, I was better than this, even when I took the citalopram..do you think I would be mad to start taking it again?

    How are you coping on mirtazipine? Are you still taking it? Does it give you nightmares? Though, even though Ive stopped taking it, I still get nightmares now. Its like :lol: my body decided to learn the wrong thing, learn the nightmares, instead of modifying my behaviour, sleeping , eating and being on a level is still not there :cry: :cry:

    I throw out lots of things today, like broken toys, and dropped some on my big toe on the way to the bucket. OMG, 2 men had a van parked right by the bin, I was about to cry hysterically, but caught them laughing at me....huh...geese me a break. And now my nail has gone a bit black.

    Anyway, thank you fro your support, katy

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    I agree with Stiltman. You would not be so hard on your boss as you are on yourself! Please ask a doctor about where you go from here with the Citalopram. And do it today! If the court must make a decision about your childrens' welfare, your access to help is a positive thing. And it is a good thing for them anyway, because you need guidance here.

    My health is improving now, thank you. I've had the cancer removed and am looking forward to spending time with my 10 year old daughter as soon as it can be arranged.

    Please take our concerns on board Katy. xx

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