Just entered another bout......

I too am scared although ive only been a sufferer for just short of 7 years.

I dont know what im scared of and never have known. I am just at a point where i dont know myself anymore and have no one left for pushing everyone away. Literally.

I dont know where to go from here. Ive been laid in bed three days now googling "i think in loosing my mind" and just crying.

5 years ago i had a mental breakdown and was literally the lowest ive ever been but i came through yet back here again. And i too feel theres no light at end of this one. Scared sick.

are you on meds? This too for me is an issue as i dont feel they are working anymore

As you know, there are dark periods, but they do get better.  I find it is a matter of good and bad periods, good and bad days.  I am so sorry you are in a big down at the moment.  It will get better, honestly.  I have had depression for 30 years, and like you say it is recurrent.  Yes there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

Givemestrength and Anne, thanks for taking some time to post comments. I think GivemeStrength and I have some stuff in common. I had my first bout of depression aged 20 and had intermittent problems til 28 when a psychiatrist suggested augmenting my a-d with lithium. I was initially reluctant, but desperate, so I gave it a shot. It has helped me enormously for 17 years. Where I would be ill and off work for 2-3 months, I am generally only off for max a week now. I have also taken on board CBT self-help, in particular the behavioural stuff. My body aches for me to retreat under the duvet but I know I have to limit this...... I know I have to try to fill my day with small, achievable jobs or activities. Today I have managed to take my shower, feed myself ok, take my daughter to the park, and do a few small uncomplicated house and gardening jobs. I dont feel any better yet but i have some faith that if i hadnt done those things i would feel worse. God, life is so so so difficult, but i try to say to myself that i have lots to look forward to when i get better, which will happen sooner or later.

Givemestrength, i suppose what i am saying is stop googling and start doing. It is sooooooo tempting to google incessantly, but ultimately it does not help us to do this excessively. I like the old saying "stop waiting to feel better before doing things, do things in order to feel better". Really difficult to do, but not impossible. And i basically mean start doing achievable stuff for you, which might just mean getting up and having a shower today, doing some dishes and feeding yourself adequately. Ps. I dont want to sound like I know it all, I certainly dont, but I have managed to survive 25 years with recurrent depression, so I think I have a few answers. Stick in there :-) and I will also try to stick in there :-)

Hi I understand what you are saying as I have suffered from depression for most of my life.   I find there are very dark periods but the light always comes back in the end.   Have faith that it will.   Also with depression you often have to do something to find motivation rather than the other way round.  Take care.  x

Thanks hypercat. I know it will turn around, but I wish it would happen fast. I really need to look at my life after this and do more to prevent it happening again. It is pure torture. I am ruminating and dwelling so much on trivial stuff. Everything feels so meaningless and disconnected. It is almost laughable..... do you know that today I was eating a baguette for lunch, and took it outside because it was a nice day. My daughter asked me to get something for her so I put the plate on top of the car. I then completely forgot about it....... until I was driving my daughter to the park an hour later. I turned a corner a quarter of a mile into the journey and the plate slipped off the roof, onto the road. Luckily there were no other cars around. I probably shouldnt be driving. But i dont want to give in too much to this damn illness. Oh i dont know.

Googling has dominated tonight. Was thinking of staying up really late as sleep deprivation can have anti depressant effects. But it wears off as soon as you wake up so doesnt seem much point. Also a bit obsessed with transcranial magnetic stimulation. 17 years ago I volunteered for a study of this, and coincidentally happened to feel low on the day of it (though not depressed). I really felt much more relaxed and upbeat after it, and it was side effect free. Not sure why it hasnt caught on ( except from a clinic in london at exorbitant prices), i guess the evidence base is not v strong ? Like you Give Me Strength, part of me wants the night to hurry up so I can go to bed,but part of me wants to stay up late because i dont feel such a burden when my wife and daughter are in bed. And i know i am likely to wake up at half 2 feeling panicky because we're going on holiday on saturday and i dont want to be down for that. We've hired a car for a few days once we reach italy, but i cant see myself driving on the other side of the road at this rate. My wife is up for the challenge of driving but i feel a failure ( even though I shouldnt).

Ok I am not going to excessively air my negativity. Doesnt do me any good. I am going to dwell on what i have achieved today, behaviour-wise. I got up at 0730 and pushed myself into the shower to ultimately look presentable for the day. I'm signed off work as of yesterday so I could have sat and ruminated. I did for a while, returning to bed and crying alot. But I got going and I am pacing myself and trying not to dwell on negative, unhelpful thoughts and how awful I feel. Although I have felt no sense of pleasure or achievement at all, I have, among other things : prepared some water for a partial change of the water in our small aquarium ; done the dishes ; run and emptied the dishwasher ; cut and edged half the grass ; made an urgent phonecall re a financial matter ; booked airport parking for next week ; emailed my manager to keep her up to date ; eaten and hydrated adequately ; read some of "the curse of the strong"(thanks to a fellow contributor for that tip) and found it helpful to think of my limbic system simply being stressed out. I've also forced myself to make brief smalltalk with the neighbours, despite it feeling aversive. I remain very frightened and respectful of my depression, but I refuse to completely bow down to it.

Hi, I am also in bad bad state, but my late mom, who used to have schizophrenia, symptoms and heavy depression fought so much, she got support from my dad,

I know, writig or saying anything now is meaing less because u know more than anyone, and how painful it is when it is recurrent. If you believe me few things will you do an experiment for 7 days.?? Whatever it is when you sleep, keep your hand just below navy, and see how it surge up and fall down,, mean while u can think anything, do not worry. ^^. hope this helps, Just trust. And there is light at end of the tunnel, depression is curable. Medication and self support both. 

oh oh and anything, whether u feel happy or depressed or anything. do not quit medication at all!!!! No point to do that Okay..

Supsup, thanks, i will try anything within reason, and putting my hand below my navel before i go to sleep sounds fine. Is it something relating to chakras ? I will definitely never stop my meds, citalopram + lithium has literally been a life saver for me. I think / hope I can detect a slight improvement in my mood. This is about 11 days after slipping into depression. Without my meds I would not recover for 2-3 months, which is torture.

Hi Craig, I feel for you my friend, we are fellow travellers, I'm in my 5th bout in 25 odd years and my current bout has been brutal and taken much longer to start to feel I'm on the mend.

ive just switched AD's was on Venlefaxine for years but went to max dose before hitting a brick wall, poop out they call it so now on an old tricyclic Clomipramine (Anafranil) which is a "big gun" and making some progress.

I always recall my psychiatrist saying that even if not treated deoression will always lift on its own, the AD's speed up the recovery.

Take care, carry on doing what your doing and you will recover.

Neil