Just had the urge to end it all

Posted , 12 users are following.

I'm a young mom of 2. I've been depressed most of my life. Always laying in bed no energy. I don't work, get disability, but that doesn't last the whole month. Kids are so hungry. Only thing to eat is tuna fish, no bread. They are dirty, hairs not done, etc. So am I. I don't feel like it . I wanna just go to sleep. I hate myself. They don't deserve this. The look in my 6 year olds eyes kill me. I'm tired, I'm always tired. Spent most of the summer in the house going weeks at a time without leaving the house. School is about to start in about 2 weeks. But just like last year they'll keep threatening to call cos cause the kids missed so many days of school, cause my lazy ass can't get out of bed. It's for the best, but I've been through foster care and don't want them to go. I always say my kids are the only reason I'm alive cause no one will truly love them like me. I love them but that doesn't make me a good mom. Why keep living if I'm making it worst for them. I lay in the bed daydreaming all day I'm someone else. I hate me. I'm almost 200 lbs. I don't shave, I cut my hair off cause it won't grow anymore. Just a complete ugly slob. Haven't bathed in days. Not a single clean dish in the house. Freezer is completely empty. I have pancake mix but the thought and dread of getting my lazy self up to clean the dishes and make pancakes makes me want to kill myself. House is filthy, everyone in it is filthy. Everyone outside is enjoying life. Everyone in this house is poor dirty scum. Kids don't deserve this life. But I've been trying to not be a lazy slob since before they were born. Years of therapy and pills. Nothing works. Still lazy, still sick, still dirty. Scum of the earth raising beautiful kids to be lazy and rely on government handouts. So why live?? I'll never get better. Kids are already showing signs of laziness, they don't want to go outside, lay in bed all day too. It's our normal.

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Please speak to a Doctor urgently. You need to be truthful about whats going on otherwise you won't get proper help. You said you don't want your kids to go to foster care, But that will happen if you harm yourself. At least if they have foster care while you get help it will be temporary, you can stay in contact & it will motivate you to get well. If your not here, you'll never have control again. That will effect them for the rest of their lives. Some temporary help you can explain and I'm sure they would understand. Please please call someone that can help you right now

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  • Posted

    Ok ........ sorry I'm crying right now and you have taken my breath away with your honesty, my story was very similar and ultimately one day, a Sunday their father came to pick them up for his usual day with them ( we were divorced ) and I kissed their cheeks goodbye setting my plan in place, once gone I went into auto pilot and packed their essentials, clothes favourite teddies and sat down to write a note to their father about how much they needed to have a stable life and that I was struggling so awfully to even maintain the basics of feeding them, I had nothing ! I cried the throughout and put it all outside my front door for their expected return home, from that moment something switched off inside me, broke me,  killed me, my animal survival, motherly instinct was to protect them as I knew I couldn't, I had a full breakdown and they had there lives turned upside down and devestated. 

    Many years on I am lucky we reconnected and the story has been told and forgiveness given, they are now adults with happy lives and I am blessed to be a part of that. 

                   Please seek help for yourself and them, you all deserve a life xx 

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  • Posted

    Hi, I'm like you...I understand....maybe you need to speak to a doctor and get better medication...that will make u feel happy and motivated....

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  • Posted

    Hello Kirby:   I am sooooo sorry you are suffering to such a degree that you don't think life is worth living.

    YOU'RE WRONG.  The very fact that you are here and posting, tells me that you really do want help.

    Your entire post is SCREAMING for help due to depression.  From what you have posted, you seem to have most of the symptoms of clinical depression.  Neglect of personal hygiene and self loathing are just two of the classic signs that you need help and you need it NOW. 

    Because of lack of adequate and nutritious food, you and the children are probably low on essential nutrients and that may be (along with depression) causing you to feel tired.  An iron deficiency alone can cause lack of strength not to mention vitamins and minerals needed by our bodies to allow them to function.  If there is no food in the house, how is it that you are almost 200 lbs?  Are you trying to deal with an addiction?  Not prying just trying to understand your situation.

    YOU NEED TO REACH OUT and find help NOW.  You do not want to lose your children -- you already know what it feels like having gone thru foster care yourself.  

    Since you have a computer, you can find help in your area.  Suicide hotlines have many resources that may be right at your finger tips.  Since you had enough energy to post here, you can find help on line.  If you don't want it for yourself, at least get it for your children. 

    I don't know what else to suggest only that I am very concerned about you and the children.  Wish I could do more than just offer words.     

     

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  • Posted

    You definitely need help quickly.  You can't allow your children to be brought up in this manner any longer and no matter how bad you feel, you must make the effort to go to the doctor and get some help - sounds like you need someone to come to the house and straighten things out for the kids too.  I hope you do it tomorrow, please talk to someone very soon.  Good luck! 

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    Felt really sad for you. I am sure spirituality will help you to come out of this. Please for yourself to read or watch videos of Sadhguru about pregnancy and motherhood.This life is a blessed one as long as you are alive, children love you unconditionally.,and this love will give you all the strength to come out of your issues.

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  • Posted

    Hi .. that's so sad to read but you need to see a doctor quickly and start twomorrow and get Emergency Food stamps you will also get benifits health benefits and all and for your kids.  They will help you easy to apply online or call .. don't want someone to step to take your kids showing an effort is better then not.  I hope this helps..  

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  • Posted

    No Kirby you are valuable. You are a mother to your children please dont do it. Have you not heard of what happens to them while in the orphanage or foster care? They get abused, raped, molested, sexually assaulted, beaten, any horrible thing you can think of these sick bas***s hurt the innocent children. Please DON'T do it. Live for them. It's okay if you're getting disability benefits. You're in a bad place. Your depressed. Please think about them. Get better for them. They need you. Look at them. They're your children. They were in your stomach for 9 months. Don't you love them? I know you do. But please get better and seek help. There's church's that can provide with food assistance. Ask family, friends. Please try to push yourself to clean them and comv their hair. Push yourself to do the same to you. Once you do it you will feel a little better. Don't you know how we dress or look is how we feel. If you're not taking care of yourself you're  going to feel like CR**. I've been there. I wish someone would of told me or pushed me to do things. Pushed me to take a shower. I remember once when I attempted sui**de only landed in hospital later in another one where they watch you. I didn't shower and the lady was very mean made me feel like sh**. She embarrassed me in front of everyone and was yelling at me that my room stinked and I did too. I was in my period I hadn't bathed in days. When you're on your period you have to shower multiple times a day. Or at least 2 or 3. But anyways at first I wanted to cry I felt humiliated. But then I was glad she did I took a shower I felt better while standing in the shower letting the water hit me and cleansing myself with soap. I washed my hair too. I felt better. I was still.depressed but at least I was clean and felt better. Please do this. Don't do anything to yourself. It's not the way. Think about your beautiful kids. You will cause them pain if you do it. You don't know how much it will affect them if you do. They will think it was because of them. That you didn't love them. Don't do it. You are a worthy person you deserve happiness just like your kids do. I wish I could help you more. I'm a 25 yr old woman. I have nephews that I adore with all my heart if my family was ever in need I would take care of them in a heartbeat. I know whats its like not to want to get out of bed and showering or even eating. Just wanting to sleep and then losing so much weight that you get lightheaded and always grab onto things so it keeps you from falling. sad I hope you get better. I hope someone with a good heart helps you. You're not alone. 🙌🙏Your kids are probably getting depressed. I wouldn't say lazy they're probably stressed out. I really hope someone does help you. Family etc. 

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  • Posted

    Your hair is probably not growing because you're not going outside. You need the sun it has vitamin d. This is a very sad story. A social worker can help you take care of your kids. They will take care of them while you get better. But I still think family is better if you have. No one will take care of them or love them better than you. You had them in your stomach. Please get help and get better for your kids. 🙌💖🙏

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  • Posted

    Hi I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  Whatever you do you have to put the welfare of your children first.  This includes getting help for yourself and for them.  It also includes sorting yourself out so you can be a proper mother to them again one day.  If you end it you will leave them with a legacy of pain which they will carry through with them their whole lives. 

    This is urgent as living in these unhygienic conditions can make your children or yourself very sick and lack of proper nutrition for your children could leave them with health problems for life.  x

     

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  • Posted

    This is a shocking read , you have to find some strength from inside you . I know depression hard I had it over 25 years but my kids have helped me and have to say if it wasn't for them then who knows. You need some help and quick , your kids need you and you need them . This is not good for anyone especially the kids seeing you and living like this . Breaks my heart to know what your going threw and your children . Please get help for sake of all of you

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  • Posted

    Thanks everyone for your concern and advice. I feel a little better now. Even though suicide and death crosses my mind a lot and I don't like my life I really need to live for my kids. I understand that. I've set up an appointment for therapy for this week. Right now my kids are with their grandmother until I get money to feed them. I've decided to make a check list to complete at least one task day. Thanks for everyone replies. It really helped me calm down and come to my senses. But I know I can't do it without medical help. 9999, thanks for letting me know about sunlight and my hair. I didn't know that. My social anxiety makes it hard to go outside most of the time. But I'll try to work on it again. Frazzled, hi, thanks for your advice. Yes this was definitely a scream for help. To answer your questions. How am I almost 200 lbs with no food? Well frazzled I do actually eat. I don't eat healthy food I admit. I don't eat all day long either, usually it's once or twice a day but it's a big meal with snacks. Also add to the fact I've been on a lot of medication and birth control and that I'm laying down all day while not getting any exercise. That's how I gained 190 lbs. Now for how I gained it with no food? I do receive a disability check and food stamps. But it doesn't last the whole month. After bills, household supplies, things for the kids. I'm pretty much broke. It's not enough. To answer your other question. Do I have an addiction? To drugs, no. I have obssevive behavior and that can feel like an addiction. But I don't do any type of drugs. I need to budget my money better so it lasts the whole month. I also need a job. I've worked before but quit every job or got fired for missing days cause I'm laying in bed all day. So the first step would be to get this depression and anxiety fixed. I've been on anti-depressants before and been through therapy before. I've even been hospitalized before. They work some like kinda numb me but the depression and anxiety has never completely gone away. But I'm willing to try again even though I feel like I'll have this until I'm dead.

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  • Posted

    Hi Kriby359,

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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