Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi ~ I've struggled with depression for years (I'm 52), counselors, meds, the usual. I have thankfully pulled out of it, or so I thought. I'm now realizing that I think I've truly just been pretending, lying to myself all these years. I have never liked myself! I'm not evil, but I'm not of any worth either. Nothing is what I had hoped for. I see no change in the future. Does anyone have any advice on how to change for the better? How do I "make" myself like me, want to do things, have hope or goals? I'm just completely full of anger from the way things have turned out in my life. I hate myself, I know it's my fault as we're all responsible for our own choices/decisions. But now I'm at the point that I am having a hard time dealing with anyone because of all the anger and hate inside me. I do pray daily because I believe in God. I believe He forgives me and loves me - but He's God, of course He does. I don't forgive myself. Am I alone in this way of thinking? Can anyone else relate? Thanks for reading and thank you in advance for any suggestions or advice!
1 like, 7 replies
hypercat laurie03099
Posted
Hi I get what you are saying. It does sound like you haven't yet dealt with all your past issues especially the anger and the hate.
Don't forget that having all this in your heart leaves less room for the lovely emotions such as love, happiness etc. Once you have dealt with your issues you can hopefully let go of the past and move forward. That's what you have to do to have a future.
You can't change the past - you can't. All you can do is learn from it and move on. Just carrying on going down the same old backwards looking path will never get you anywhere except upset and depressed.
You only have yourself in life which truly yours but don't forget we are all human and as such we make loads of mistakes. Don't forget too that everything in life has a price to pay, as long as you know this then you can't be surprised by it.
I am sure you did the best you could do at any given point in your life. Ok maybe it was crap but it's still your best and no one least of all yourself can expect any more of you than that. God forgives you doesn't he? Now follow his example and start to forgive yourself and let go of the anger and hate which is weighing down. x
laurie03099 hypercat
Posted
I appreciate that you took the time to reply. I guess I just don't understand the "how" to let go of the past hurt. I mean I certainly don't want it, I do pray that God will take the broken pieces from me and help me to heal. But again, I realize this is me. Something inside me is blocking or hindering this. What, I don't know. As the saying goes, easier said than done. Have a very nice evening!
omni laurie03099
Posted
Hi Laurie,
First off, I am sorry you are going through this, though thank you for being so honest and open minded.
We cope, overcompensate, deny etc until the truth finally seeps through. It leaves us dejected, confused and unable to even grasp the understanding of how we can ever fix us. That truth is all consuming, and we know to our core it is real, that’s the sad and shocking part. Then comes the hard part, having to manifest some semblance in fixing ourselves; if we give up and continue using our old methods to cope, this too is sadly an over compensatory way not to deal with what we know deep down has to be dealt with and all in all, it’s the hardest work we will ever do in our lives.
If we continue with tried and tested methods, (which are easy for us but haven't worked; my previous reasoning was why shouldn’t we take the easy option, after all, life has been tough enough up to this point), we do ourselves and others no favours at all. If we continue to project and receive maladaptive behaviours, this ultimately leads to rejection of ourselves and abandonment from others.
I agree with you that we are responsible for our own choices and decisions, though what choice did we have when our fears (which believe me were instilled into us at a very early age), were and are ever present and very real. So, be easy on yourself, others had their part to play in your life also.
The last thing I want for you is to be even more hateful of yourself - if we look inward enough, we realise that the anger is from unmet childhood needs, these manifest into adulthood and that’s when the raw need we had as a child is still with us. Anger in adulthood is a part of that need and as adults we relive situations over and over trying to receive that need from others until we exhaust ourselves, that’s why we hate, denigrate and reject ourselves. In actuality, without maybe realising, you are on the right track to becoming a healthy adult because you have identified core emotions.
I could say join a gym, get a hobby going, go for walks (which will benefit you) though these are short term fixes and are also endorphin fuelled coping mechanisms though they will help a little. I would prefer to say – challenge the unmet needs, do the hard work from the inside out. I can recommend real help if you want to meet those core unmet needs. Your anger is acceptable here, well with me anyway. You have every right to feel the way you do. In the meantime, google Schema Therapy it offers real help and unlike CBT which mainly deals with the here and now, it challenges the core unmet needs of the child into adulthood. I wish you well. Take care.
laurie03099 omni
Posted
Hello Omni ~ I so appreciate your kind response. I have been thinking quite a bit about my upbringing lately. I had a great childhood/teen years. I know my family loved me. I think because I do believe this and that they tried their best always, that I have guilt for even thinking of "blaming" them for unmet needs. Baby steps I guess. I will look up the Schema Therapy. I've never heard of that. Have a wonderful evening!
suemie laurie03099
Posted
Your true identify is something deeper and more eternal than your fluctuating circumstances. You are inherently divine, beautiful, worthy and deserving — no matter what is going on in your world. Make time to connect with your inner spirit, your eternal self, through meditation, yoga, journaling or getting lost in an activity you love.
laurie03099 suemie
Posted
Hello Suemie ~ Thank you very much for offering your advice! I've thought about meditation, but I think that would be quite difficult with the never-ending negative thoughts bombarding me. Perhaps I could try journaling, I have heard that can be helpful from a few people. Have a great evening!
suemie laurie03099
Posted
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