Just sharing experiences- am new

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Hi all,

I'm new so I suppose just sharing experiences here. A few years ago I went to see a therapist, who specialised in attachment therapy. It was following a break up of a relationship & a pretty terrible loss of job. Well both were core shakingingly life turning upside down awful.

I totally lost my identity, felt all my 'badness' I tried to suppress was finally out in the open. I could not function in a way - I just couldn't work, was under a lot of pressure, was lying to cover up work I had not done, and felt could not face up to any of it. I started a new job was great then after 8 ml this could not hack it. I cried a lot, lost quite a few friends. I saw the therapist and talked about issues from childhood, my mum was quite abusive, physically and verbally and although thrived at school as pretty much a swot & did have good crew of friends did still get bullied, people shouting nasty stuff at me. My therapist helped me see howu reactions to things are driven from a programming that belongs in my childhood, and that I've developed anxiety as a result of this. I can't drink alchohol as at some point if drink it x 2 per week it will after 2-3 months lead to me unleashing tears/ anger. I live with my partner who I love yet I try to sabotage it sometimes but consistently questioning does he love me, what does he want. His brother lives with us who I find odd & if truth be told wish he didn't. But he helps my partner cover his mortgage. I feel the strong, respected, go getter me has shrivelled up and I'm left with this husk of me. I don't like myself and wish I could just go back into FT employment (I'm trying) and live a normal life. There you go.

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  • Posted

    First welcome to the forum. Now you are NOT alone in dealing with all this at all. Everyone has a "story" but we all tend to emd uo in difeerent stages but in the same place. The world of anxiety and panic or and depression. You sound a bit depressed on too of the anxiety. Please love yourself, you need you here accept everything as it is so you have a clean starting point to figure all this have not shrivelled up you gave up, take that back. Has therapy helped you? Have you tried cbt therapy also? You need to learn forgiveness here and understand people can teach or give you only what they know and nothing more. So whilst it sucked for you it was all your mom knew to do..pathetic and sad and you need to forgive that, not her specifically but rhe situation. Its easier then you think when you look at it differently. Then forgive yourself. Love if you could have cintrolled all this you would have. You could not. You are human. Do not berate your self anymore its serve no ourpose and will ruin your healing. Healing comes from calm and love not hate and resentment. Doesnt that make sense to you. You want to go back to full employement you can and you will you need to first obtain a lot of knowledge on anxiety disorders, cbt, mindful breathing, letting go!, and if needed some temporary medicine. You are screaming, berating and yelling at yourself because it has been what you have been taught to do, it has been what has been done to you..

    I'm sure it never worked then and it wont work now. Try using acceptance, love and cheering yourself on and be patient. You will learn to manage this, it takes a lot of time and patience.

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    • Posted

      Thanks Lisa that's really lovely response! It's kind of 2 steps forward 4 steps backwards some days. I do cheer myself on and am working part time, but feel useless when not earning much, not able to contribute like I know I used to be able to. It's like I know obsessing over things is a waste of time but sometimes I let the negative 'win'. It takes such strength to fight against 'it' the anxious thoughts. Some days I don't have the strength others I do. But it's nice to have found this place to talk amoungst people who understand. That's what I'm looking for. I don't fear going outside, I don't have panic attacks but sometimes I can let emotions overwhelm me and then I'm in that sea of anxiety and waves and waves of self loathing. Yuck.

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    • Posted

      You probably have a little ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder and a bit of depression. Catch it all now and work it through. You have a therapist, a lot of new self awareness, maybe go do some cbt session or get the cbt workbook and see if you can slowly empower yourself. Dont insult yourself anymore thats useless ok. Thats most likely how you got into the mess. I dont kn ow who told you you are only as good as the money you make, its a lie. You have a lot to offer. Your company, your personality, your humor..you are just stuck in one bad chapter of a your own big story on your life. Thats all. You'll get to where you need to be, you will just be a but stronger, a lot wiser and a more compassionate person when you get there.youll see... 

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  • Posted

    very brave statement julia. Have you had some relationship counselling while you were off and would you open up to it more to the point?
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