Just the same old same old

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Hi Dr Spock

am feeling empty,no emotions ,nothing.Dont feel in any way better,eating thing worse,huge battles with voices or whatever telling me I cant eat,or have to purge.I wish I wasnt here because trying to get through the day is getting tougher.Have psychotherapy assessment tommorow,am not pinning any hopes on that because the home intervention team (who are lovely)havent helped me so I doubt she will.I do try to be positive but i have zilch in my head to draw from.The visits are going to be reduced soon and I just dont feel any better,I wish i could say I do but everythings just bleak and cold and awful.hgave occupational health review at work on Friday,god knows what they are going to thi9nk about their mad employee,the Dr was freaked out enough last time and Im worse now,i just dont cry.terrific

Jo

Jo

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Aww Im sorry to hear that sad When did you last attempt serious self harm? Isnt that a small improvement? smile How are you during the day, are you reasonably with it or are you sedated? :? Its OK not to be ready for the psychotherapist, atleast you will have got the ball rolling on a long term recovery, theres no rush you have all the time in the world smile Obviously its impossible for you to work, I hope theyre understanding and not ignorant smile
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  • Posted

    Hi Dr Spock

    have bargained not to self harm but am purging after nearly every meal.Feel totally fed up of being emotionless,olanzapine thus working but I know Id be in pieces if I didnt have that and Diazepam.Try to keep really busy,more restless than sedated,I cant settle to read or warch TV.I just have no thoughts or emotions so it all feels hopeless,if there was a suicide button I would still press it because living like this is pointless.Seeing psychologist at 11.30,home intervention team and psychiatrist tomorow re meds and careplan,but whats it all actually For?!

    I wake up the same every day and drift through the day feeling zilch,the mirtazapine cant be working.Do you take anything or are you 'cured'now?!Does anyone actually get better.

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  • Posted

    Saw psychologist today,she was nice but it was just covering old ground,ie things in the past that I will need to deal with that are causing the de personalisation and derealisation.I knew that.She will talk to psychiatrist and feedback to home intervention team who are back to see me tommorow.Doesnt think shell see me again,doesnt know how long Ill be loke this,doesnt know why the drugs dont work.I am feeling more and more despondent.Im sick of being like this

    Jo

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  • Posted

    I think Ive got some dusty old citalopram and mirtazapine somewhere but I dont take anything for depression now, this doesnt mean I dont get depressed if that was the case I really would be a vulcan but the periods of depression are about normally depressing things like job / life / money, theyre far shorter and I can easily shrug them off smile

    Before all of this what did you used to do for fun? You really need a emotional kick start smile I wouldnt be surprised if theyre giving you the mirtazapine to increase your appetite rather than to cure you as such wink

    You know its brilliant that you keep really busy, it would be sooo easy to let it all slip. Did you let it slip before the medicines? How are you for looking after yourself? smile

    Yeah psychologists do like to blame things on stuff that happened yonks ago, but like you say youve analysed yourself virtually to death and found no connection whatsoever(?) :?

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  • Posted

    I've no medical knowledge (except what I've picked up working for Patient UK for the last 10 years or so) however I'm a great believer in the power of exercise. I know it's hard to get motivated to do exercise when feeling depressed but I'm sure it helps and I do wonder if GPs should consider prescribing some regular exercise before resorting to drugs. I'd be interested to know your view Dr Spock.
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  • Posted

    Jo,

    I have been reading your posts for a while and I really feel for you.

    Sympathy is something that you probably do not want but after somebody has been in your shoes the will probably find it very difficult to understand just how bad you feel.

    I feel that I can comment as I suffered from a complete nervous breakdown (Mental & Physical Breakdown) in 2005 and I took me about a year to get better.

    After a few bad business ventures and a splitting up with my long term partner I totally \"Lost it\".

    Before hand I had been very fit & healthy (didn't drink, didn't smoke) and this illness hit me like a freight train.

    I won't give you the gory details but I had 1 year in Hell.

    BUT !!! I did get better when I thought there was no hope for me.

    I felt it was time for me to post a experience and let you know that I feel for you so much and I can see how much everybody in this forum cares for you.

    My thoughts are with and if its any consolation I got better when I thought there was no hope.

    Please Take Care x

    CraigyB1973

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  • Posted

    Hi to Craig,Dr Spock :wink: sad :cry: et al

    thanks for kind words of support,days all the same now so reading things that encourage is really helpful.I do go to the gym normally about 2-3 times a week,but the eating thing means I cant anymore because Im always too tired.i have periods of being totally hyper where I clean the whole house every couple of days and then an knackered!

    its like ive gone mad buying new clothes,makeup,having my hair done etc etc to try all the old trusted ways of making myself feel better but I think its right that this is going to take a long time.Psychiatrist and intervention team keyworker are coming later,they are an acute team so now they are going to tail off visits.This scares me because they are like a mirror for me to see how Im acting and if im being 'normal' or not!

    Im not drinking at all,havent really for a month or so because when I do I become rapidly suicidal.the psychologist says the eating thing is like self harm but thats all I do now,with a lot of willpower not to cut.I know mirtazapine is good for weight gain but Im still shrinking,id rather feel better and take something else.still have tinnitus which is so annoying,sometimes when i read these back I think I must be making everyone else better because i always seem to be the most miserable!

    In the spring I can get back out in the garden which I love and can distract me for ages normally,my husband has also booked a short holiday in february so Ill try and look forward to that

    Thanks again for listening

    Jo x

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  • Posted

    Hmm I can see we're going to have to think 'out of the box'. God you seem so close to,, I wish I could put my hand on your shoulder and say its time to flick the switch,, its good just to let it all go :?

    No please dont drink, honestly the stuff is poison, despite its high price its actually one of the cheapest and nastiest drugs folks can take :?

    When I read your posts I find them to be far from emotionless smile

    Yes gardening is cool but its still a bit chilly at the moment though eh, a holiday would be brill, if theres a fun fair on this holiday I hope youll try all the scary rides :D

    Thanks for the question Hilary smile As you know strenuous exercise stimulates the release of the bodies own natural painkillers as endorphins aswell as a smorgesboard of other body and mind altering chemicals, swimming is certainly a great low impact exercise smile Yes I do think it can be all too easy to reach for the prescription pad but I dont think this is completely the GPs fault, folks expect cures to come from pills and medicines not from theyre own minds and bodies :? Of course the irony is that (very generally speaking) alot of medicines stimulate the bodies own natural defences, so its hardly ever the actual medicine doing the fixing :D

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