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Hi. I am new to this website. I just wanted to share my story. Sorry if this is a little long. I have not been officially diagnosed with depression but I really believe I fit many if not all the symptoms. It was more of a self-diagnosis. I think it all started in when I was in 6th grade of elementary school. When I was in 6th grade, I was bullied by my classmates. It started out first when someone who I thought was my friend, betrayed me. Then a she became friends with a group of girls who then all started to bully me. After a while the whole class with an excpetion of two girls turned on me and brought this up with the school counselor. I think this was where my self-esteem started to drop significantly.
I have an older brother who is always great at everything. He is smart, great at games (both board and video), great with making friends, and also great at athletics. I on the otherhand, not so much. I think I have always felt inferior to him so that also blew my self-esteem.
As I grew older, I faced more stressful situations like everyone does and I believe that is what led to my depression gradually getting worse and worse. My parents divorced when I was in high school and my father remarried like months after the divorce. My stepmother doesn't like me and we never see each other because she forbids me in their house. My father walways takes her side which is why we can never discuss this situation. I lost my trust in my father after this.
My mother is verbally abusive and always tend to blame me for any misfortune that happens to us. She used to compare me to my brother when I was in high school and that was the time where I was most suicidal. I even planned out my death and imagined it constatnly in my head. I was ready with pills in my hands but in the end I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I thought of my brother, the only person I actually cared about at that time.
Now I finally brought up to my mother that I need help. She at first was opposed of me getting help because to her, getting help meant that I was weak. She said that I didn't have depression and that it was all in my head. She said that it was just becuase this generation that made people feel the way I felt and that I will get over it with willpower. She still doesn't believe that I have depression and no one but my best friend (who also has depression) believes I have it because I always put on a fake smile to show everyone that I am "okay." I don't want them to know about how I am and I don't want to talk about it to them. Every time I talk to someone, they all think I am making excuses and being lazy. They all say I am not trying hard enough to be happy and that I have so much time in my hands that I should really work harder.
I am just so tired of hearing those words. I am tired of this life. I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever where my dreams are so much better than my life right now. I also want to add that I gained so much weight over a short amount of time and I feel so crappy about myself. I never wear anything cute anymore. I don't bother.
Thanks for reading. I was just wondering if I really have depression or is it just all in my head like other people say?
*Sorry last note I promise: I also never shared this to anyone except my best friend, but I think I am delusional as well. I believe things that are not actually true and no matter what evidence presents my beliefs to be false, I still believe in my delusions and I am so tired of believing in them but I realize they are the only things that keep me moving on and living my life.
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