Just wanted to share my story

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi. I am new to this website. I just wanted to share my story. Sorry if this is a little long. I have not been officially diagnosed with depression but I really believe I fit many if not all the symptoms. It was more of a self-diagnosis. I think it all started in when I was in 6th grade of elementary school. When I was in 6th grade, I was bullied by my classmates. It started out first when someone who I thought was my friend, betrayed me. Then a she became friends with a group of girls who then all started to bully me. After a while the whole class with an excpetion of two girls turned on me and brought this up with the school counselor. I think this was where my self-esteem started to drop significantly. 

I have an older brother who is always great at everything. He is smart, great at games (both board and video), great with making friends, and also great at athletics. I on the otherhand, not so much. I think I have always felt inferior to him so that also blew my self-esteem.

As I grew older, I faced more stressful situations like everyone does and I believe that is what led to my depression gradually getting worse and worse. My parents divorced when I was in high school and my father remarried like months after the divorce. My stepmother doesn't like me and we never see each other because she forbids me in their house. My father walways takes her side which is why we can never discuss this situation. I lost my trust in my father after this. 

My mother is verbally abusive and always tend to blame me for any misfortune that happens to us. She used to compare me to my brother when I was in high school and that was the time where I was most suicidal. I even planned out my death and imagined it constatnly in my head. I was ready with pills in my hands but in the end I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I thought of my brother, the only person I actually cared about at that time. 

Now I finally brought up to my mother that I need help. She at first was opposed of me getting help because to her, getting help meant that I was weak. She said that I didn't have depression and that it was all in my head. She said that it was just becuase this generation that made people feel the way I felt and that I will get over it with willpower. She still doesn't believe that I have depression and no one but my best friend (who also has depression) believes I have it because I always put on a fake smile to show everyone that I am "okay." I don't want them to know about how I am and I don't want to talk about it to them. Every time I talk to someone, they all think I am making excuses and being lazy. They all say I am not trying hard enough to be happy and that I have so much time in my hands that I should really work harder. 

I am just so tired of hearing those words. I am tired of this life. I just want to stay in bed and sleep forever where my dreams are so much better than my life right now. I also want to add that I gained so much weight over a short amount of time and I feel so crappy about myself. I never wear anything cute anymore. I don't bother. 

Thanks for reading. I was just wondering if I really have depression or is it just all in my head like other people say? 

*Sorry last note I promise: I also never shared this to anyone except my best friend, but I think I am delusional as well. I believe things that are not actually true and no matter what evidence presents my beliefs to be false, I still believe in my delusions and I am so tired of believing in them but I realize they are the only things that keep me moving on and living my life. 

1 like, 4 replies

Report / Delete

4 Replies

  • Posted

    Well only a therapist can really diagnose depression,a dr should be able to help with that. The problem is, one set of life events could make one person depressed medically, or could make another simply unhappy (which is not depression) or may not affect another at all. All I would say Is never ever self diagnose, if there's one thing a Dr hates more than anything it's people self diagnosing. They tend to not diagnose you at all if they think that's what they are doing, so I would visit a Dr and just be honest about how you feel and take it from there

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    I think that you are unhappy due to all the hardship caused to you giving you a big traumatic series of episodes.  Can you make up with the friends you want to keep? You need some time out with a family therapist as well as some personal counselling.
    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    My Dear girl,

    You are smarter and stronger than you know!

    For you to acknowledge and admit this to this forum is your first step to a better life. Yes, you need to see a professional.

    There is a lot going on here and rightly so, after all you have gone through.

    I think if your mother knew of your suicidal thoughts she wouldn't think twice on you needing some help.

    You sound very wise and in tune with your thoughts.

    Don't second guess yourself. Open up to your brother, I'm sure he knows how much you love him and the feeling I'm sure is mutual. Then Get some professional advice my dear. Thank you for reaching out. You don't know how many people you have just helped around the world by coming on to this forums and opening up your life to us!

    You are not alone. Please keep in touch with us!

    Lots of love on this site!

    Many Hugs,

    Maggie

    Report / Delete Reply
  • Posted

    Hi, 

    I am sorry to hear of your misfortunes, but what grabbed me abour your story is the similarities it had to mine. For years people just thought i was "pessimistic" and always told me to "be more positive" and snap out of it whenever i was having a melt down. They just didnt understand and as a result i felt even more frustrated and lashed out even more so, so the point where a few weeks ago i peaked. I took an overdose, and tried many more ways to kill myself including suffocation and even drinking nail polish remover. It was that point that people started to take my illness seriously and i got the proper help i needed. 

    I am by no means saying that you have depression, however the fact that you have identified your troubles and are ready to admit them is a great thing. I would strongly recomend you see someone professional who can give you the correct advice you need, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on. Dont let this build up like it did in my life, nip it in the bud whilst you can. 

    I am sure you are a very beautiful and smart young lady and have evrything to live for. I am sure that many people tell you this, and it really doesnt make any difference to the way you feel, and that you think people are just saying it for effect. However you are you, you are the only version of you that there will ever be and so you are special. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have a good life. 

    in seeking professional help, that does not make you weak at all, that makes you incredibly strong for being able to ask for help rather than suffer in silence. Please rememebr that you are not alone, and i pray that you escape this pit of despair very soon and enjoy the brilliant life that you deserve. Take care and keep safe, you are strong. 

    Report / Delete Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up