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Hey! I'm new to this place, sorta anyways. I have been reading a few threads over the past few weeks. I'm in therapy for general anxiety disorder and depression. Have been for 2 years. Lately I've been experiencing some weird panic issues that freak me out a little. I have my next therapy session in two weeks, I just wanted to hear some different opinions than my therapists.
I'm a student and I'm under a lot of pressure right now. We have a lot of tests now and that's usually the time I panic about the smallest things easily.
I just moved into a new appartment, with a work mate and his wife and kids (sound more flatmatey than it is, I live in their souterrain, so we don't actually "live together"). I get on very well with them and their two kids. So actually everything should be cool. But for some reason I keep fearing that his wife doesn't like me and wants to throw me out. There's no logical reason for this fear, she invites me to have lunch with them every now and then and she's asked me to babysit the kids sometime. I don't know where that idea of her hating me and wanting to throw me out comes from, but now I keep analyzing everything she does and I might be even looking for negative clues. When she starts small talk like i.e "You're up early today!" I think it's because she doesn't want me around, like she's secretly complaining. Same when she asked me yesterday if I was cooking lunch too, the same time she did, I thought she probably asks cause she secretly wants me out of the kitchen. When she's tired or in a bad mood I panic beacuse I think it's because of me being there. It's so stupid and I feel terrible about having these thoughts, especially since I don't know where they come from. There's the rational side of me telling me that this fear is absolutely irrational, it usually is. I tend to dramatise everything and keep seeing an apocalypse everywhere. People may say something funny and I start to panic, wondering what I did wrong and if they hate me now. I keep fearing they might have some secret agenda.
I've been into a co-worker for a while (he's not into me, we had a short fling but that's it) and whenever he's in a bad mood at work I blame myself and my being there for it and even imagine he might try to get me fired or something. Even though he acts totally normal around me and invites me for beer (with the crew) after some shifts. So nothing suspicious there but I keep wondering whether he is planning to get me fired.
All these worst case scenarios of getting fired and losing my appartment drive me nuts. I don't have the best social skills (or so I think) and the reason for that might be the pretty messed up relationship to both of my parents. At least my therapist keeps blaming my emotionally abusive father for this and I may have to agree.
This "situation" at home worries me a little, cause sometimes I dread going home, I may even feel a little guilty to go home. Like I'm invading her space or somthing. This sounds so crazy even writing it and a part of me knows it's probably all in my head, but then there's a part of me that wonders if I might be right after all.
I'm just really confused now, I just want to stop the over analyzing and over dramatising, this paranoia is so stressful but I can't get my mind to stop No one really seems to get it and one of my friends even said today that I should stop thinking that the whole world only cares about me. But that is so not what this is about.. I feel really alone with this atm.
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