Keep fearing people hate me

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hey! I'm new to this place, sorta anyways. I have been reading a few threads over the past few weeks. I'm in therapy for general anxiety disorder and depression. Have been for 2 years. Lately I've been experiencing some weird panic issues that freak me out a little. I have my next therapy session in two weeks, I just wanted to hear some different opinions than my therapists.

I'm a student and I'm under a lot of pressure right now. We have a lot of tests now and that's usually the time I panic about the smallest things easily.

I just moved into a new appartment, with a work mate and his wife and kids (sound more flatmatey than it is, I live in their souterrain, so we don't actually "live together"). I get on very well with them and their two kids. So actually everything should be cool. But for some reason I keep fearing that his wife doesn't like me and wants to throw me out. There's no logical reason for this fear, she invites me to have lunch with them every now and then and she's asked me to babysit the kids sometime. I don't know where that idea of her hating me and wanting to throw me out comes from, but now I keep analyzing everything she does and I might be even looking for negative clues. When she starts small talk like i.e "You're up early today!" I think it's because she doesn't want me around, like she's secretly complaining. Same when she asked me yesterday if I was cooking lunch too, the same time she did, I thought she probably asks cause she secretly wants me out of the kitchen. When she's tired or in a bad mood I panic beacuse I think it's because of me being there. It's so stupid and I feel terrible about having these thoughts, especially since I don't know where they come from. There's the rational side of me telling me that this fear is absolutely irrational, it usually is. I tend to dramatise everything and keep seeing an apocalypse everywhere. People may say something funny and I start to panic, wondering what I did wrong and if they hate me now. I keep fearing they might have some secret agenda. 

I've been into a co-worker for a while (he's not into me, we had a short fling but that's it) and whenever he's in a bad mood at work I blame myself and my being there for it and even imagine he might try to get me fired or something. Even though he acts totally normal around me and invites me for beer (with the crew) after some shifts. So nothing suspicious there but I keep wondering whether he is planning to get me fired.  

All these worst case scenarios of getting fired and losing my appartment drive me nuts. I don't have the best social skills (or so I think) and the reason for that might be the pretty messed up relationship to both of my parents. At least my therapist keeps blaming my emotionally abusive father for this and I may have to agree.

This "situation" at home worries me a little, cause sometimes I dread going home, I may even feel a little guilty to go home. Like I'm invading her space or somthing. This sounds so crazy even writing it and a part of me knows it's probably all in my head, but then there's a part of me that wonders if I might be right after all. 

I'm just really confused now, I just want to stop the over analyzing and over dramatising, this paranoia is so stressful but I can't get my mind to stop sad No one really seems to get it and one of my friends even said today that I should stop thinking that the whole world only cares about me. But that is so not what this is about.. I feel really alone with this atm. 

 

1 like, 5 replies

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Depression sadly frequently makes us all a little paranoid. when i started on the forum I was so scared and super paranoid
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  • Posted

    Hi

    It sounds like you have self worth issues.  Feeling that we are not worthy makes us feel yukky about almost everything.  When we have more self worth we are more sure of our own thoughts and do not doubt ourselves so much.  We all have an intrinsic self worth which is ours, only ours, not given to us by anyone else.  it is our aim to find ourselves and our worth and be ok with ourselves.  i probably make this sound easy and I know it is not but we do not have many ways to go and one that is definitely ours is our right to our own worth.  Look at the good things that you do, the nice things that you do.  I hope you find your way and try to be kind to yourself, the fact that you even care that you may be in anybody's way shows that you are a caring person.  Sometimes  we need to look a little deeper inside ourselves to start to see who we really are. 

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  • Posted

    Oh my goodness. You've just perfectly described how I think. I'm constantly worried that people don't like me if they're being a bit funny or in a down mood. I over analyse peoples behaviour and attribute it to my own fault if someone's in a crappy mood.

    I always get panicky when I think people are talking about me. Paranoia sucks sad

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  • Posted

    Hi Jenna, you're definitely not alone, I went through the exact same thing when we (both students at the time) lived with my FIL and his partner.

    I always had the feeling his partner hated having me/us there- she would always make these little remarks like "oh, so you're going to be home tonight??" and make a point of leaving a room (especially the kitchen) if I were to enter. My partner didn't take much notice but I always felt sick with anxiety because of this tense and uncomfortable feeling when I entered the house, thinking it was all my fault. But looking back on it now I know that my anxiety/depression/paranoia (terrible mix) made it 10 times worse than it actually was.

    I know that when you're over analytical and paranoid it's sooooo hard not to blame yourself for things like this, but unless she or your co worker has outwardly said anything to you you're just basing this all on what you think and not what you actually know. Thoughts aren't facts, they're just thoughts.

    It's normal to care if people like you and it's good to be able to pick up on people's moods and behaviour but try not to dwell on it too much- and even if they do have an issue remember it's theirs, not yours.

    Xx

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  • Posted

    Thanks for all the kind replies! smile

    My co worker has never said anything about it and neither has my "room mates" (for the lack of a better word) wife. She has mentioned that she even used to be jealous of her own husband at some point because her daughter is a real daddy's girl. She has made some remarks of the kids (especially her 1 year old son) liking me, like "Oh look, he's so fascinated by you!" or "Do I have to be jealous now?", but she also said that it's ok, she's glad they like me. And my room mate doesn't seem to be bothered at all..

    My therapist said, that every mother probably has those jealousy issues and I shouldn't waste so much thought on it, it's a problem she has to deal with, it's probably not half as bad as I imagine it to be. Plus it would be worse if the kids didn't like me at all or were afraid of me, in which case I'd probably be anxious too. So it feels that either way I'd be anxious. 

    Which leads me to think that maybe this isn't the main issue here, but it's so stressful to always "watch my back" when I'm at home. Now I even analyse my room mates behaviour, trying to find "clues" of whether or not something is going on. I feel like such a freak, really -.-

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