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I cannot say when my anxiety started as it has been with me all my life.It has lasted through years afrer my birth stomach operation, sexual abuse, hunger, moving to my Dad's at 12 and a completge change of life stype..finacial and otherwsie, throught several emotional abuse by my stepmother, through taking tranquilizers to get by as a teen before college, through, college years of trying go know myself and through emotional bagage, through finding that all women are not evil or contempuous. My auant may have made me have oral sex onj her at 9 but she was just one woman. For years a woman's sex was viewed as sorta plastic and not real and with no real emotion. Ironicly, now that I am over it all I know I know all to well.and maybe more than most that a woman is more than a Vigina. I went through. being thown away by two marriages because they did not want to "take care of me" Funny I thought I was doing ok considering eveything. Anxiety became like my only friende and any conflict bt this time of some kind appealed to me as it helped me filll my life.Though college years of being put of grade propbation at one school and thriough seeing the writting on the wall and reluctantly being transfered to another non-liberal Arts school where my grade excelled and I studied all the time.
It all seemed to jumped out at me when I was 25. At that time I was 3 years into married to my first wife. I needed her to be emotional to me but she was I think emotionally retarted, an opinion that was verifiued by her behavior with our 2 daughters years later.
Anyway, I had jist gotten off wor and I was lying down watching a football came on Jan.2,1975. I woke up beside myself litterlly. I felt like I had two brains and niether wanted to work with the other. What happen over the next 5 years was a double life that even now causes anxiety. I tried sooooo very hard. So hard to take the highroad and to get myself out out the darkness that constenly shaddered my life no matter what.
When I was 43, in 1992 I was DX as Bipolar 2. This DX was changed to dissociative amnesia and idenity disorder and finally.....perhapps because of perhaps coming out of the dark some, as Deep depression. Of couse, uncontrolled emotion have a way of physically causeng chronic and eventually all kinds of ailments in your body, This beside the lasting negative effectws of a brith sugery. Below give you an idea of what I have been through physically..
Present; REFLUX/GERD WITH HIETIAL HERNIA NEAR DIAPHRAGM...motility test done. Diverticulitis. ADRENAL TUMORS.Stomach spasms A-Fib.Tightness in chest, and shallow breathing.
Polyneuropathy 2015. Operation for L5 Disc herniation/ compression and traversing right S1 nerve root and a Synovial lumbar Cyst was removed 2015. Occipital Perifiral Neropathy and nerve stimulator in neck 2012 (so no MRI). Neurogenic bladder 2010, had Bladder stimulator but taken out later. Diabetis 1997 Inflammation of disc degeneration DX in 1996 Fusions at C-5 and C-7 and shoulder surgeries in ' 93 and '01. Malrotated stomach surgery at birth (scare tissue removed in 2004).
Now I am happily married to my 3rd wife just when I thought I would never understand love. I have to say that the one who initiall thaught me love was God. Here is what I mean.
A piece a wrfote gives one of my final thoughts about happiness.
Happiness I found in the earlier days was but a stain upon my brow that I must make smile. I hear a sadness in someones voice and say they would be happy if only me. A wish unfulfilled.
Loneliness closes all around and a heavy mist disturbs my thoughts to make me happier; to no longer to bare innocent guilt and shame of a life that talks too loud to be quite.
Yet, there remains a special song to sing into the void that would have alluded me but just enough to keep away the purple dark; a song written by God that lingers and is keeper of a love that grows to hide my discontent.
This song, a lonely hunter of contentment, swells in my heart with every missed beat. My song welcomes each breath I take in the mornings and on into the night. The melody it makes is a drum rolls heard only in my hearing but too quite to fully understand.
I had to overcome temptation. Not only in the religious sense but in the sense of not being a slave to my own thoughts. Here is what I mean.
SAVE ME???? from what?..a car wreck or a drowning,ha nice try!
We all face uncertain and confused temptations of life when they become millstones around our necks. Captive thoughts affect the decisions and choices we make. Consequences that live on long after an about-face. So, just what do we do and what do we think and feel? Where do we go to avert these unintended consequences that snare us into mind slavery? After all, we do want to do the right thing; figure it all out for ourselves.
Call to me softly from where you are
I am lost in the land of many rivers
Talk to me in your quiet voice
it leads me through this forbidden land
Speak to me from your heart. I need
each symbol and word to help me read
the map of my own damaged human heart
With each step, one at a time, in any direction
he land of many rivers calls to me unbidden
Parts of me stay behind as I start down the path
there to follow the well worn way that this
wicked land has made so easy for me
I listen intently for you to call me quietly from
the whispers that is hidden in the rustle of willows
and oak trees that are strewn along it's banks
Quick, show me the way back to you for the water
here is cold and deep and smiling at me!
This is in a nutshell my story. I just hope the forum monators thinks it is ok and do not jank it. They do that at times.
If you want to know the answer to resisting continued temptation;
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And If I do what I do not want to do I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Sin is anything God would not approve of according to the Bible.
Jesus said come to me; all that are heavy laden, and the I will give you rest. He said be not afraid; *********************I have overcome the world.
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