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Large Family gathering I'm feeling terrible

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Cookies356
Cookies356

I feel terrible and filled with dread. My legs are feeling weak and I am half way to crying. I have to ho to a big gatherjng at my Uncle's house where 20 people will be. Uncles, aunts and cousins. It takes 1hr drive to get there. I keep worrying I'll loose it at the party or in the car and there's no way out of either. My parents don't care about how I feel and tells me to fight it. I know they are right that I need to fight this and do some exposure therapy to get used to going out. But I feel terrible. Any advice on how I can minimize this and not loose it at the party?

1 like, 13 replies

13 Replies

  • Anxious_Nick
    Anxious_Nick Cookies356

    Posted

    This isn't helpful to you, probably, but I'm often a little suspicious of "exposure therapy", especially during the early stages of AD. I know that getting out there helps, and many here will say the same thing. But I'm a bigger proponent of self-care, and so I usually tell people to avoid stressful situations when and where possible. If you can get out of going, it may be for the best. But since you say you can't, here's my advice: Don't plan to lose it while you're there. The mind is everything with AD. The minute you let yourself think you can't handle something, you're already planning to fail. Instead, plan to win! Go there with a smile and try your best to enjoy the time with family. Bring something with you to distract yourself, and don't be afraid to walk away from family for brief periods throughout the night. It helps. 

    I think of this as being similar to walking in a cold pool. It's painful at first, and you want to get right back out. But the moment your shoulders go under the water, boom - you're okay and want to stay in the water. Take it slow, friend...once you get settled in at your Uncle's, things will get better. Just believe it. Because if you believe it, you can make it so. smile 

    I'll be praying for you! xxx 

    • helen20833
      helen20833 Anxious_Nick

      Posted

      Oh! I'm so glad you said that!

      CBT and it's offshoots place demands and expectations upon the patient. That in itself is a burden

      One feels one has to follow through....and if we fail? Then despair and hoplessness/helplessness sets in

      Much of coping with social events has to stem from the person feeling as though attempting it  would not be an onerous burden, but that they feel in a place where they can cope if not enjoy

      Feeling forced, just going through the motions does more harm than good, in my opinion

      We have to feel mentally and physically capable before attempts are made

      Naturally, there is a fine line between avoidance and knowing we do not have the ability, at that moment in time for a social event...

      I think you are right, Nick. In the early stages of AD we have to learn all we can about the condition, about self help methods, if we are to tackle the problem. We need time, quiet, rest and space to get our thoughts in order and plan our own recovery, our own way. Yes, we must implement self-care smile

      To you, Nick, I send all the very best wishes for the New Year

      Helen

       

    • Anxious_Nick
      Anxious_Nick helen20833

      Posted

      I've gone self-care crazy these last several months. To the annoyance of some family, I'm sure! But for so many years I avoided friendship and going places, never certain why. One thing I used to do with my Father was go to the theater to see a film. We did this weekly for years. One day I started feeling weird and couldn't breathe right. My hands and face felt tingly. I made him leave the movie that night and haven't been back since. That was...gosh, 10 years ago? 12? Well, now I know a little more about why I feel these things. Still learning all the time. Right now having tummy issues that I've grown obsessive about. Back on the wagon, but only temporarily - ha! Some struggle with alcohol, I struggle with fear: you and I, Helen, know that fear is just as much a poison, eh? smile

      So yes, love the heck out of yourself. It really helps. And the very best to you, Helen, for the New Year. You really help me a lot - because I know you care. It's nice to feel loved. Long live the Forums smile

      Best !

    • helen20833
      helen20833 Anxious_Nick

      Posted

      I have walked in your shoes, Nick! Please believe that.

      Great chunks of life events missed because of the onset of AD/PD and the not understanding what was happening to me and why..so yes, avoidance techniques were inevitable

      Life in retrospect is easier..sigh...if I could go back I would handle things differently. Not so much avoidance buy yes, I would still give myself "time", quiet time. Still not try to force or push myself forward because that, I can say hand on heart, exacerbated my AD to the point where I literally fell apart

      I watch you, Nick, on the Forum. I think you are a wonderful yardstick for the "newbies" who are beginning their journey with AD/PD. You learned the hard way, as did I. Now you reach out and help others

      Remarkable!

      You are one of my favourite Forum members

      I will say this. Over the years when my AD was at it's worst I had tummy troubles like you wouldn't believe! There isn't ANYTHING, lol, I don't know about that subject

      Don't be afraid.

      Stomach issues are common with AD

      And if you are ever concerned feel free to pm me.

      happy, happy new year

      Helen xx

    • Angel_V
      Angel_V Anxious_Nick

      Posted

      What kind of tummy troubles are you having? I was just freaking out because i feel a constant fluttering twitch and its driving me crazy. No pain but very annoying!
    • Anxious_Nick
      Anxious_Nick Angel_V

      Posted

      I've sad some pains in my hip and lower belly area. I got checked out a few days ago to make sure it wasn't my appendix, but they didn't say for sure what it is. Could be pulled muscle. And all the while I've just had gurgles and pains and not going to the bathroom normally. I'm kind of worrying myself sick, literally, over a few pains and weird bowel movements. But my head is clearing a bit. I get obsessive about pains and things like that. It's bad :0

    • Cookies356
      Cookies356 Anxious_Nick

      Posted

      Thanks for the advice. I did go to the family gathering. I was really nervous and starting to sweat but I got into my Aunt's car and the rising panic was starting but I tried making small convo with her and listening to what her and my parents are talking about. Made it through the road trip without looking at my phone or ipad and didn't have an attack. Went to the party and greeted people, ate and then sat down and watched others converse. I was okay through it all and when I was sitting down I consiously reminded myself that it was all okay and going out is no big deal and I didn't even have an attack. But as I was doing that it brought up bad thoughts like " yeah but you could've gone into an attack", "you could've embarassed yourself", then I got this feeling like I could gp crazy from this. I started feeling dizzy sitting down but I just let it happen. After that I went back home alright.

    • Cookies356
      Cookies356 Anxious_Nick

      Posted

      The annoying thing is that whenever I successfully go out even though I have attacks or feel really anxious almost the whole day, I usually come back home with thoughts like " well we survived today, but I feel worried about if I have to feel this bad tomorrow or forever". Negative thoughts. I just can't seem to shake them. It's like I feel like I survived today and dread about tomorrow. I know I'm not suppose to feel like this but I can't help it. They just invade my thoughts.

    • helen20833
      helen20833 Cookies356

      Posted

      Well one of the biggest hurdles to overcome is that of Anticipatory Anxiety but it can be done

      You have to learn to live in the moment. Worrying about tomorrow, or the next time you must go here, there, anywhere, will set your fears in concrete

      Letting go of the "future" so to speak, can lift a huge weight off us

      Be proud of the manner in which you coped, that was admirable, by the way.

      Facing our fears is never easy

      You did not, nor ever will, embarrass yourself, by the way

      Did you ever see anyone "lose " it and make a fool of themselves in public?

      No. Nor did I

      Yet 1 in 3 people worldwide suffer with some form of AD/PD or other

      Our natural sense of pride and dignity prevents that. Please believe me.

      In fact, we have more pride, more dignity than those without AD/PD. That's why so many of us hide our condition from family and friends

      There is nothing to fear but fear itself

      Hugs Helen smile

       

  • gill21655
    gill21655 Cookies356

    Posted

    Hi

    When we really think we are going to lose it.... It doesnt happen. Try on the drive doing some mantra's to your self and while you are there .. I use.. I am strong i am calm i can do this.

    To be fair if you really feel you cannot go dont put yourself through it. and if you dont want to share with your family about anxiety just tell them youve been sick and may have a tummy bug you dont want to pass to any one.

    Good luck and either way you do what is best for you. If your parents have never had anxiety they dont know how bad it is xx

  • borderriever
    borderriever Cookies356

    Posted

    You need to be able to live your life without fear and Anxiety can be very close to Hypocondria and that needs to be diagnosed by your GP. Whatever your condition you need to grasp your Life and run with it

    I was always suspect of bun fights, especially when I was suffering an Anxiety in the seventees. Eventually I looked at these get togethers as a chance to work out the dynamics of my Relatives and any disagreements that was around that had upset the family dynamic. I was very quiet at that time as my Mental Health was very unsettled caused by my close family members and my Work Enviroment.

    The latter Work Enviroment was a real a real bane of my life as I was bullied, So parties again helped me work out the dynamics of my Work Enviroment

    There is no reason why you should not mix and talk with your relatives all it means is you understand what has went before and that may assist you in understanding why you suffer the way you do.  Also to talk to family will give you the tools and confidence to talk and understand people you will meed now and in the future. This could help you move on because Family Bun Fights are more relaxed at that time.

    So enjoy meeting your family members, this will help in confidance building because I feel this must be part of the problem you have.

    Try and keep away from discussing you health and fears, you need to trace a pathway around and away from those problems. You can try breathing exercises, that may relax your mood.

    Have a nice meeting with your Relatives, you need to remember they themselve have Their own fears and concerns, they may also be concerned of being there as well, so you could find relatives with their own concerns

    Good Luck and Keep a Hold

    BOB

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