Life is so hard and I don’t know what to do!

Posted , 7 users are following.

Hello everyone, I am new to this page and have been looking at it for over a week. I thought I would post because it seems like a very supportive and informative place. Sorry this mite be a long read. I hope I have posted in the category.

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks since about 2000. I have panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. Sometimes things have been easier and sometimes they have been worse. For several years it was mainly anxiety, panic attacks and health anxiety. However, I do have several phobias as well, the main ones being: emetophobia (fear of vomiting), mysophobia (fear of germs and contamination), medication phobia (fear of side effects). Since 2014 my emetophobia and mysophobia have come out very strongly and taken over my life. My diet is terrible, I hardly eat anything and my selection of food is also not good. So I am probably not getting enough nutrition and am lacking vitamins and minerals. I am also very underweight. Even so, I will say that in a strange way since these two phobias become worse in 2014 my general anxiety and panic attacks seemed to take a back seat and lesson. However, this wasn’t to last because over the last few weeks things have taken a turn for the worst and I am not in a very good way at all.

It started on the 19th April. I was out going for a walk when I had a panic attack. So I came home. Then I went for a walk the next day and the same thing happened again. Since then my heart rate has been raised by about 5-10bpm on average even when sitting down. I’ve felt anxious even at home (my safe place) and it has crippled me. Not only do I have my phobias to deal with. But now also my anxiety has come back strongly too (not that it ever fully went). Then on the 6th May I had an episode that I’d never had before and it really scared me.

On the 6th May I’d had a fairly high heart rate most of the morning in the 90bpm. I also felt I had a tight chest and just pretty rubbish. Then after while it got it just seemed to get worse suddenly. I had very bad palpitations and my heart was thumping really hard and beating really fast. It felt like my chest was going to explode and I was going to die. I've never felt anything as intense as this or lasting as long an I e had anxiety and panic attack’s for nearly two decades. It lasted about 20 minutes at its worst I think. I tried my best to relax and control my breathing and even lied in bed but nothing worked. So I got my mum to ring an ambulance. I was very scared and didn’t know what was going on. So paramedics came out and done my oxygen level, blood pressure, sugar level, and a full body ECG. Everything came back ok except my heart rate was still really high. Over 130bpm. However, the really bad palpitations had stopped before the paramedics arrived so I'm not sure how high it would have been before. They recommended I go into hospital with them just to be checked over and to maybe have something to slow my heart rate down. However, I choose not to because I haven’t been travelling far from my home for several months and I haven’t had any medical tests or taken medication for over a decade due to my phobias. So it would have increased my anxiety a lot more to go. It is so frustrating and hard that You can’t just accept help because your so scared. Also I knew I was seeing my GP on the 8th (2 days) who knows my situation better and I’ve built up a rapport with. But if it had come back or got worse I would have had to have called them back and gone down. I still didn’t feel right though for the rest of Day. My heart rate stayed raised all that day and I didn't sleep at all that night. I just couldn’t switch off and think I was worrying.

So I saw the doctor on the 8th. I explained everything that’s happened and about the paramedics coming out. She listened to my heart, checked my pulse and done a few other general checks. All seemed ok. She also read the paperwork the paramedics left with my ECG and other tests on. She does think anxiety has a lot to do with things. However there are other possibilities too. She did mention about me possibly lacking certain vitamins and minerals. Also with the palpitations possibly being Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT). So she wants me to have a blood test done to check somethings. She also mentioned about having a 24 hour heart monitor. But the blood test will be first. She’s also talked to me about medication for my anxiety.

Well the district nurse came out this morning to take blood. I worked myself up for an hour or so before and got really anxious though. So I was having palpitations, raised heart rate and a thumping heart for a while and felt like they wouldn’t stop. By the time she arrived I was basically having a panic attack and said I couldn’t have it done snd needed an ambulance. Not my finest moment. But when you feel like your dying and losing your mind it’s hard to be rational and calm. However I talked to the nurse and she was really nice and understanding. So I was able to calm down enough to have the blood test done. So at least it’s been done now. I just have to wait for the results.

The last few weeks have been so hard and stressful. It feels like my whole world has been turned upside down and that everything I’ve a achieved over the last few years was for nothing. I’ve suffered with this horrible condition for nearly 20 years now. It’s ruined a lot of my life and I feel I’ve missed out on so much. Now with it coming back so strong and these palpitations (possibly something else) I feel like giving up all hope of having a life. I just felt I wanted to say what had been going on and let it out. I did have some questions I wanted to ask to see people’s opinions. But maybe I should leave them for another post. Because this already feels like it’s turning into an essay. Thank you to all who do take the time to read this very long post 😊

0 likes, 15 replies

Report

15 Replies

  • Posted

    I have anexity attack I was in the hospital last week for about a week I know what you're going through. I thought my life was upside down. I was in the hospital because I was depressed. I lost my job a few months ago because I said I'm suicidal. I'm not suicidal any more and I had to have spanky to spca for bad behavior. he was my therapy cat. I'm getting another cat. in August I want a young black cat name is going to be dove. and it's going to be girl cat.

    Report Reply
  • Posted

    You sound like you are having a very tough time. I am sorry. Anxiety, Panic and phobias very draining. I had a fear pf taking meds but I had tp take them. Do not read about the side effect or if you do remember that it is not likely to happen. This will sound strange but I got to the point and told myself the worst thing that can happen to me is that I will die. And I said so what if I die . i took the pill and said ok so die now. and of course nothing happened. You can have a phone near by just in case if something bad does happen. And if it does you will go yo yje hospital. You will get there.. Give yourself a break. Tell yourself I will worry about this at 6"30 pm, not now. Do this every time a worry comes into your head. then at 6:30 spend time to think of your worries.

    Report Reply
    • Posted

      Thank you for your comments. With side effects it’s actually not so much if I die. But more about experiencing the side effects. For example I am absolutely terrified of vomiting or feeling nausea. I do try to remember side effects aren’t common or don’t last long and that the benefits of helping my anxiety symptoms is worth it. But it’s just really hard when I’ve suffered for so long and feel so defeated.

      Report Reply
  • Posted

    Check into a rehab center for a couple of weeks and you will be on the right track. If referred by a doctor insurance will usually pay. Surprised nobody suggested this over the past 20 years.

    Report Reply
    • Posted

      Thank you for taking the time to post a reply. At the moment I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. I couldn’t post everything in detail. But my fear of contamination and germs really restricts what I’m able to touch and do. Also I haven’t traveled in a car properly for several months and haven’t left the house for about 3 weeks. However, I’m not sure if it works the same here. But I’m going to guess your in the US. I am living in the UK.

      Report Reply
  • Posted

    You are looking for help or you would not be posting to begin with. This support site only makes suggestions but you seem to be in self denial with all you have been through. How do you think you can be helped if you do not start somewhere with something?

    Report Reply
    • Posted

      I did not mean to come across that I didn't want help or that I did not see what you were saying was true. It's just things have become so hard and difficult for me to even do day to day activities I don't know how I would deal or cope even going in a car, never alone staying in a centre. I wouldn't say I am self denial. I am absolutely terrified with what is happening to me. But even if I was going to consider going into somewhere for a few weeks, I am not sure if in the UK there are as many options.

      Report Reply
    • Posted

      I’ve had different types of therapy in the past. More in a supportive form than specifically changes things. It is something I could look into. My doctor had referred me to a community psychiatric nurse so far.

      Report Reply
  • Posted

    Let me understand. The worst thing for you is if you vomit or get nauseous. No one likes vomiting or feeling nauseous. Pills go down better with food than on an empty stomach. Don't take them first thing in the morning. Is it the anticipation you may vomit or is it the actually vomiting?

    Report Reply
    • Posted

      I am not sure myself. I think the idea just terrifies me and fills me with dread. It’s a really hard phobia that causes so many issues in so many areas of life

      Report Reply
  • Posted

    I can totally sympathize on the fear of throwing up because I've had that for a very long time too! Even if I started to feel nausiated I would get anxious, it's horrible.. That fear actually effected so many things for me before I started taking an anti-depressant. Such as: if I got a headache it would trigger my anxiety because once I had a migrane so bad and it caused me to start throwing up, I now connect the two. I once got sick from eating food that was not prepared correctly and got food poisoning which caused me to throw up a lot so I ended up not eating right. Now with medications I've never actually thrown up from taking them so that doesn't trigger the throwing up anxiety but I've also developed a fear of them because I've had an anxiety attack once in the hospital after taking something they had given me so now anything new I get anxious taking it. Also, I ended up not leaving my house for long periods in fear I would catch the flu from someone in public...Or well I should say that I did, I decided to put the fear aside and start taking antidepressants and it for me worked extremely well! It controlled my fears and did not let them interfere with my everyday life anymore thankfully. Let me say that anxiety can rule your life if you let it, it can build up and spiral out if left untreated and no matter how much you fear taking the meds, it can't be worse then living like this, they do work from my experience!

    Report Reply
    • Posted

      Thank you for the comments. It's very helpful to know that there is someone who has experienced things like I have. Its such a terrible phobia and so life crippling. I can see my life in so much of what you said, But it is reassuring that you've had a good experience with medication. I am glad you have had some relief and I hope you continue getting better.

      Report Reply

Join this discussion or start a new one?

New discussion Reply

Report as inappropriate

Thanks for your help!

We want the forums to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the forums are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the forums is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.

newnav-down newnav-up