Life long (27 Years) undiagnosed depression and outbursts

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I'm not sure if I'm worse than I realise so bare with me, ever since I can remember I've be intensely anxious, school was a constant struggle, a battle in my mind in which one side was desperate to learn about the world around me and on the other a voice. The voice really started to get loud at 12 years old or so, at first it was just pure negative (you're hopeless, nobody likes you,kill you're self) I left school and literally that day walked into my bedroom and didn't come out for months. The uncontrollable thoughts in my mind ruled my life. I finally was convinced by family to get out and start looking for a job, the very notion of going for a job interview was on the terror level that I'd imaged coming face to face with a large predator. I felt so utterly hopeless. To bring a long story short the voices got quite as I assumed a stable life. Until 2 years ago when a member of my partners family threatened me over seemingly nothing, at first I was shaken by the whole thing, but that evening the voices started, I found them telling me he was a threat to me and my family and I should kill him before he kills us. This ran over and over in my head, but it got so intense I started thinking my colleges were out to get me and some of my closest friends and family became threats, "has somone poisoned my drink" was a popular touture in my mind, I told a doctor of my thoughts but he more or less shrugged it off. I have had several physical in counters with people over my paranoia in the years. I know I've gone on a bit but can anyone see from the short version of my strange behaviour if you recognise something. I'm now going through a downward spiral again, thank you for reading my shortened story any reply if welcome

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  • Posted

    Have you been to a psychatrist and been diagnosed along with medication, therapy, or any other treatment. If you have not this is where you need to start. Are you covered by insurance. If you are not check with places that see you based on your income and if you don't have an income you won't be charged. If you don't know how call a doctors office and ask or a psycharist office. You won't have to say who you are, but don't say you are suicidal just that you need help for depression. I have gone through depression for many years and you need to get help as soon as possible. You can't keep going like this with no professional help. If you have been helped before and now it has returned, make an appointment and be sure thay know you need an appointment as soon as possible. The waiting for appointments cain take awhile.you need to make sure where ever you go that thay understand how important a quick appointment is needed. Everything is confidential and you don't have to let others know your getting help. That depends on you but many choose to keep it to themselves or a very trusted person. The reason I say this is people are cruel and don't understand what we feel and any time something is called a mental disease thay assume if you have this you are crazy. You are NOT. Im not and neiher is anyone else on this site . We are here to help any way we can. Ask anything you want to and comecback to let us know how you are. I know how you feel and I want you to feel better as soon as possible. Im sorry this is happenibg in you're life and Pray for you to feel better soon. Please don't put off seeing a professional preferably a psychatrist. I care Barbara

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    • Posted

      Thanks for you're reply it's more trouble then it's worth in the uk to see a doctor right now, but the fact you showed genuine concern made me feel less alone in all this, my feelings of hate aren't so much the issue this time I'm just so down and in motivated I'm letting my life fall apart around me. But I can seem to pull myself up if the floor, thank you again .

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  • Posted

    Hi Mart,

    You are right - the NHS is overstretched at the moment but you must not let that put you off seeking the help you need and deserve. I'm similar to you in that things have had to reach pretty much rock bottom before I've sought medical help, almost like I've had to convince myself that it's not a phase that's just going to pass or I'm not going to wake up feeling better one day without some proper intervention. You've opened up to a group of strangers online and that's a good first step because we do understand and as Barbara says, we do care! This next step is also one you need to take - opening up to your doctor and not playing down how you are feeling. Write it down or show the doctor what you have shared here it that makes it any easier. How we relate to other people in life is so crucial and affects our mental health so much. Those of us who are more sensitive than others (and it's not necessarily a weakness) can struggle to understand others' motives when we get hurt. Paranoia is more common than we might think. Also frustration at not being listened to or understood. Therapy can help you process these difficult emotions - they might not disappear altogether but it's the distress they are causing you that can be lessened. Please don't give up hope. I know you have been dealing with this for a long time and hoping it will get better. Now is the time to act to turn things around and it's OK to ask for some professional help to set you in the right direction. Please make that appointment and be honest and assertive with your doctor. You really don't need to suffer like this. I promise you things can improve. I have days where I can't motivate myself into action and I know those are days where I'll just stand still and make no progress. Taking a pause now and again is ok, but you don't want too many days like this or you will begin to stagnate. Take care and let us know how you get on. Best wishes.

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  • Posted

    Hi Mart,

    Hopefully you will have managed to see your GP? Or have an appointment soon? It might take a bit of time and regular appointments, but you will get there. Maybe you could discuss with your GP other options such as Talking Therapies or they might be able to refer you to your local mental health team?

    Good luck x

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