Little Did I Knew

Posted , 3 users are following.

Some say anxiety is a disease of life style others term it as an ailment of civilization. We may argue about its origin but few may doubt its havoc.

I have been fighting this obnoxious weed for long time. During this phase, I have had ups and downs, rise and falls. I was petrified when all this started. I would say ignorance and lack of counselling added to my woes. I thought I was going crazy. I was on the run to avoid panic attacks. However hiding was not an option.

I began to meditate, it helped but somehow I couldn’t help stressing out. Then came a phase in my life, when I got super busy with work and friends. I had good times and tried to forget about my past miseries. However the physical symptoms of restlessness, fatigue, nervousness, et al always reminded that the saga is far from over.

I also had a pleasure of falling in love. Believe you me, it changes everything. Love is like the ultimate drug which can cure any illness. Studies have shown that being in love our body produces good emotions and hormones which make us feel high.

For the first time in my life, I really felt better. This may be due to brain chemicals or the fact that it was my first love. However not all stories have happy endings. We had to part ways for reasons best known to destiny, fate, universe, whatever you call it.

This loss unleashed the beast with full force. I was so down and out that I had given up all hope. But they say hope is a beautiful thing and even faith that of a mustard seed can move mountains. Finally, I decided to lift the curtains. I was tired of pretending and faking that everything is fine. I remember I sobbed like a baby while sharing my issues with my family.

At present, I am under medication and recovering. Although, I am still stuck between rock and the hard side but the uneasiness to pretend has ended to some extent.

I think that may be things would have been better if I had sought help early. I think if I ever will feel like I used to feel during carefree childhood afternoons. I think if it’s kinda nightmare and I one day I will wake up afresh. I think the key isn't giving up. What goes down comes up, it's a universal law.

Little did I knew that all this would change my life forever. I certainly had a bumpy ride but it has taught me several things. I would conclude it with words of Saint Paul, "when everything fails in life, love, hope and faith remains".

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39 Replies

  • Posted

    Thank you for that post.  Sums up what most of us are feeling.  I am 65 years of age and do not try to hide my anxiety.  I too am now on medication and many bad days and not so many good days.  People should be more understanding because they are obviously not aware of how easy this could happen to them.   This disease is now becoming a more prominent part of society and we need to reach out to each other not hide it away.  It is not something to be ashamed of.  Thank you again and may your progress continue.
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  • Posted

    Thank you for this very brave and inspiring post. Just what I needed right now, Punk!!!
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  • Posted

    I enjoyed reading what you wrote. Whatever this is, whatever causes it not to reset so our functioning returns  to its normal state is one difficult ride no doubt. Its a little disturbing science has not been able to figure it out but then again mris first emerged in 1977 so being able to see into the brain is fairly new. As much as we all want to believe or rely on that science is like a religon so to speak, it isnt. Its isnt constant, it isnt concrete. It changes and theories and diagnosis are only  as good as the most recent hypothesis and treated accordingly.  shypllis once filled the institutions as insane people with no reason known, until they figured it out and cured it. Same with mercury poisioning. The mad hatter disease.  Ulcers were believed to be mental and formed from stress untill they figured out it was in fact a bacteria called h pylori. So who knows really what this will be in end.

     Society today is a bit disturbing overall. But then again we are all animals in our nature. Maybe we over estimate our own potential as a whole. The fight or flight is living proof we are just animals as its responses  are so primitive and raw and havent seemed to evolved as we all believe humans have over the past x years. Im sure life style played a role as some have faced trauma, hardships, illness or whatever and was dragged into this disorder thru that route. But interestingly it does appear some just actually get it from nowhere, hence genetic disposition to it.

    Hope and faith as you noted is what carries you through. And it does. Maybe we are a group of people more aware then the others as they live more carefree. But anxiety disorders are rising in epidemics which is interesting. So either we are all going backwards or theirs some "bug" behind all this. My hope is technology steps in and figures it out. Im a bit tired of theories and guesses or watching some self developement speakers explain everything a person needs to do to reset all this yet never actually provide the how to just what needs to be done. Unless you pay them a ton of money. Which is so rude. Its mind blowing how society can stigmatize or cast us off in this day and age. One in four is the newest statistics but one in ten for full blown panic attacks. Thats a ton of people. It brings the thoery back to us being primitive animals at out core as animals cast off any other that is defective in any way.  What i have noticed is this wonderful science created killer bees, created tons of mutated ailments, created pesticides so strong bees are being being messed to a point they cant and dont return their hives properly. We use addidtives that by themselves can eat thru plastic and is poison when it stands alone. So keep this all in mind as to what you put into your body as food. So who know whats behind all this. The one saving grace is meditation if you can figure out how to really do it. It realeases reality and allows you to delve out of your body to find solace. We all forget one thing, the world limits you, it limits your beliefs and abilities because science dictates this. Science tells you what is and what isnt, but it changes up rapidly. It was once believed the brain was so limited and doesnt change, well surprise now they proove it does change. But all those poor people in the past were made to believe otherwise and suffered accordingly. My own theory is science and what they taught at the moment is incomplete at best. But if you believe it ..will cause a ton of harm. Its not done yet. Many discoveries are decades at way. So be so careful not to limit your beliefs it will stop healing. Your beliefs can stand in your own way of healing. Think about this, think deeply we started as a cell and formed into a human being. All of us did this. Science didnt guide it. They can not replicate it on their own not to the level we exist. We all hold the information within our cells to heal. I dont know how to tap into it but it exists within each and every one of us. The invisible black box sort of speak. Our machines can see inside of us but maybe theres another layer our machines can reach just yet. Xrays only show bones, mris show a lot more but maybe theres a whole other level..who knows.the body holds the answers and capability to recover from many things if not all things..Thats how placebos work by the way. And they do work. That is a fact. So what you believe is huge in all this. The Placebo works because you believe in whatever you are taking or doing is the cure the reality is you basically got out of your own way, released all limiting thoughts and the body does its job. No the placebo doesnt work one hundred percent of the time, i dont think so who really knows.

    But people who have surrendered to this, removing any emotional attatchments to the disorder have forged thru it. It is an emotional mal function. Based on emotions whether extreme fear, extreme saddness..these are emotional things..Same with many cancers.

    So spontaneous healing occurs,not t via a miracle or maybe it is.. but because these people figured out how to get out of their own way and remove any variables they are told are fixed. One tremendous difficult thing to do to over ride everything you have been taught. After all all of our emotions and beliefs are all we have to draw upon.

    You fell in love and found that released you..I would say that's strong proof we can heal. Such positive and loving energy made every cell in your body pleased. Thats actually what energy healing is made up of. But many will self limit that belief too which is foolish because every bit of us is in fact cells and energy. Hope and faith are intangible, thankfully so those havent been mutilated by science, by false variables ..those are energy in the purest form.

    We would all fair out way better if treated with more compassion and understanding that im sure. I do not feel we brought this on ourselves. If you broke your arm and the world yelled at you it wasnt broken, but clearly it is and you cant move it, it hurts, it doesnt function..it would trigger a ton if anxiety wouldnt it. Thats what the world is doing to all of us on some level. The arm would heal in some manner over time but it wouldnt be the same as it was. Well They are yelling and demanding we are fine when we know damn well we arent. 

    I rambled on your discussion. I hope you dont mind. If you do im so sorry. I do not feel you should blame yourself. This isnt something you did to yourself, or broughtnupon yourself..it something that happened within your brain. So i dont want you to limit your beliefs in any way.

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  • Posted

    Hello Punk

    I am now coming to the conclusion that we are put here to learn not only the good also the bad. Sometimes I also feel we have be put on this rock as a comedy of errors and someone is looking down on this world with a real wicked sence of humour. and sets tasks for us to learn and understand many of life and googlies.

    Even when we go abroad the people are thrown curved balls and are given little bits of comfort that are smashed if they as well become to comfortable.

    Now that I am reaching sixty six I look at life with a cynical eye and understand that I will be recalled by those above to take the exam of life. I hope I can still smile at all the wobbles, slips and errors that have been made up for me to learn a mystery that had been laid out for me by the Man in the Clouds

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Hello cia

      Oh yes I hope it gets funnier and not just more weird. and cruel

      All the very best for your 76 Birthday.

      I am holding my breath for my day, our dog seems to have a strange grin

      BOB

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    • Posted

      It's my birthday today and 1'm 😷😢😠 but as I was telling Tess in a pm, thankful I have retained my youthful looking and beauty. Having said that,yes, it gets funnier it's funny that mirrors today do not reflect my true gorgeousness. More today suck

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    • Posted

      Oh my gosh...we are both Leo's. As to what aeems funny, I laugh more now at some of the things people worry about. (I don't mean the people here.)

      You are youthful and beautiful to me, dear Helen. Happy birthdaaaaay to you.

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the good wishes. Since reaching double figures in age, my months are 12 weeks long and there's 48 month in a year. I think I'm about 23 now or thereabouts...or is that my bra size in inches😟

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    • Posted

      Oh I don't mind mentioning them. As long as I don't have to look at them. Never did like prunes. Nasty wrinkly little things.

      As for the men from the Institute? They came, they saw me. They ran away screaming. Can't for the life in me think why. Ah, one of life's little mysteries, sent to perplex us

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    • Posted

      Ah, supposedly the best of signs to be born under. The sign of the scales, well balanced people.It doesn't surprise me that you're a Libra nor that Cia is a Leo.

      It's interesting how those born under a particular star sign have those traits associated with it. It makes me wonder how that affects our coping abilities when afflicted with AD/Depression and life in general.

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    • Posted

      I know it's a complicated subject, Cia.Do you think there's a link with our personalities? How we do manage to deal with adversity and our capabilities? Did you know there was a survey once done where the majority of Fleet Street journalists were born Virgo and I'm a writer! Tess is a Libra and she's a nurse! And you're Leo, feisty, a fighter and with the beautiful heart of a lion. Interesting

      I was born on the cusp. Leo didn't want me( can't think why ) and Virgo was forced to accept me, lol.

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    • Posted

      My son is also on the cusp, of Virgo and Libra. The sun sign, which is what we are talking about, is what we show to the world. You do show Leo and Virgo.

      I am not an astrologer, nor would I run my life based on it, but I have to admit that I see the sun sign in people matching their outward personality. The moon sign is how we feel about things, and what our inner selves are like. Mine is in Scorpio. One main thing about Scorpoi moon is privacy. In a way, left on my own, I am very protective about my private time, and can live on my own without company.

      We could go on and on about this, but I'm not sure this is the place. Let's go to PM for any other discussion about this. It's been so long since I paid much attention to astrology, but I do think a good astrologer could tell how we deal with adversity, and how we could do it better.

      Whatever we are, here we are together in a common cause...dealing with adversity. I love your curiosity and open mind, kiddo.

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    • Posted

      You are correct, this is not the place for such discussions smile I tend to go off on a tangent ( hangs head in shame)

      Curiously enough I am protective of my private time and am never bored when alone.

      I feel their is a common thread of lack of confidence in we Forum members once AD enters our lives. There is for sure a dread of losing control! I believe that's what we all have in common. Whether that is because we all share an uncompromising sense of  dignity and fear any control loss or not is speculative. But this site has been invaluable in teaching me, from good souls such as yourself and others, that we can and do have control. That we can help ourselves and each other along the way and then we gain new confidence

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    • Posted

      And the term lunatic is derivative from lunar, the moon, dictating our mood swings!

      Me, I'm a lunatic all year round sad Harvets Moon, Full moon, Any moon, makes no differencecry

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    • Posted

      Hello Helen

      How did the birthday go, Like you I am beginning to be jaded as my later years proceed faster and faster,

      Age is like a merry go around it just gets faster and faster until someone applies the breaks

      BOB

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    • Posted

      It's frightening isn't it? One day it's Monday, you blink and before you know it, it's Saturday..eeek

      I had a nice birthday thank you, 3 hours in the hospital waiting for my eye scan/ injection for the blood clot behind it, LOL..But...on the way home I went into a charity shop ( I buy most of my books there ) and found 3 new crime books so, Happy Days...

      On reflection it's a bit sad but isn't. I am a creature of simple tastes

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    • Posted

      Honey, one of the most important things in my life is a great used bookstore. We have two here. I always walk out with goodies, and smiling, so I know what a book find feels like. biggrin

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    • Posted

      Well I only got to be one by the skin of my teeth sad Leo didn't want me, Virgo reluctantly took me pity on me and let me in.  There should have been a star sign just for me, lol, could have called it PainInTheAnus, more commonly termed, The Mighty Mouth sign. My husband says I've got an answer for everything. This is true.( This from a man who believes the ability to snore and fart atb the same time is multi-tasking, sigh.)

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