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for a long time, ive contemplated it over and over in my head. ive asked myself a hundred times "who will care" and "whats the point?"
Each day it gets harder and harder to live with. im too scared to tell people how i feel and what i think, i feel its all theyll remember me for. I know there's help out there for me, and i know people would understand, but my head just makes me believe that its a unique feeling.
Since I was young, ive always had trouble at home; mum and dad always fighting, sister staying in my bed crying; mum sleeps in the car because shes too scared to come inside; countless police coming to our house because my mum was frightened and worried for us. Thing is, this was a long time ago, and i never received any help to get past it, so i feel like its dragged me down my entire life.
My life now is a wreck, socially anxious in any social environment. No qualifications other than high school because i decided drugs and alcohol was better than studying psychology. On prescribed medication to make me feel "happy" even though its psuedo-serotonin and the feeling isnt permanent. Sounds more like controlled drug habits if you ask me.
i guess what im trying to say is: im tired and done.
i keep pushing myself day in and day out to perform my best at my job, keep stable relationships, maintain a healthy lifestyle, meet new people, try new things etc. and none of them have made me feel anymore alive than i already don't. i just dont know what to do anymore other than commit suicide. i feel nothing ever gets easier with this stuff, so its just a downward spiral to the end.
sorry if i wasted anyones time reading this, i guess its my last cry for help at this point.
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