Living with “it”

Posted , 5 users are following.

for a long time, ive contemplated it over and over in my head. ive asked myself a hundred times "who will care" and "whats the point?"

Each day it gets harder and harder to live with. im too scared to tell people how i feel and what i think, i feel its all theyll remember me for. I know there's help out there for me, and i know people would understand, but my head just makes me believe that its a unique feeling.

Since I was young, ive always had trouble at home; mum and dad always fighting, sister staying in my bed crying; mum sleeps in the car because shes too scared to come inside; countless police coming to our house because my mum was frightened and worried for us. Thing is, this was a long time ago, and i never received any help to get past it, so i feel like its dragged me down my entire life.

My life now is a wreck, socially anxious in any social environment. No qualifications other than high school because i decided drugs and alcohol was better than studying psychology. On prescribed medication to make me feel "happy" even though its psuedo-serotonin and the feeling isnt permanent. Sounds more like controlled drug habits if you ask me.

i guess what im trying to say is: im tired and done.

i keep pushing myself day in and day out to perform my best at my job, keep stable relationships, maintain a healthy lifestyle, meet new people, try new things etc. and none of them have made me feel anymore alive than i already don't. i just dont know what to do anymore other than commit suicide. i feel nothing ever gets easier with this stuff, so its just a downward spiral to the end.

sorry if i wasted anyones time reading this, i guess its my last cry for help at this point.

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  • Posted

    Hi Solid

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    i can understand all your feelings. what medications have they given you which you feel arent helping?

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  • Posted

    who else can you reach out to? do you have any professional you can reach out to. you need to and soon.

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  • Posted

    Your burdens are too big to deal with, have you approached God at all? I am cautious about speaking of religion but I suffer severe depression, have no job other than part time food deleveries and a tough marriage and other problems. These have been and are life threatening situations. Jesus says come to me all of you who are weary and heavily laden and I will give you rest for your souls. This is not a Get out of jail free card, the pain continues, unbearable at times but I can testify personally his words are true.

    aside from this can I persuade you to accept your pain rather than trying to force it away?

    and it is so important to hear of stories of depression that others are going though, many many do suffer like you and me and you' ll find comfort in not being alone. Life is hard for some and harder for othrs, try and humble yourself as much as you can and try your best to do what you know is right even through the pain.

    please keep in touch if you can, i'm based in uk

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  • Posted

    Oh man I can find myself really in your story. I'm also a real thinker and everything which I say does come with very deep thoughts of all possibilities possible for there reaction. I know it sucks, because (at least for me) I know I don't to be like that. Also in domestic violence at young age I sadly can relate. I feel like I missed a crucial part of my self development because of my home situation. And again I can relate in the drugs part as well. I started doing drugs to get away from reality. It made everything worse and I hit rock bottom on a point where I am now. It wasn't the reason everything went so wrong with me, but it gave that little push that made me fall in a dark hole. It will be hard to say exactly what the right thing would be to do in your situation, because everyone is different. I still don't know yet what it is in my case as well after 2 years of deep search to it. See it as a journey to learn who you are. If you had a rough youth then it's no wonder that you deal with things like this, because you didn't have enough time to develop. One thing what helped for me to cure some stuff from the past is EMDR therapy, but you have to get in a session with a open mind. Just regular conversation with psychologist could help you as well, so you don't have to keep everything to yourself what's going inside your head. It may take time to be fully comfortable around someone new, but just give it time and it will come! A + point in your situation is that you still have some what a regular rhythm I believe. In my case I stopped literally everything and stayed at home for a year. It's very difficult to pick things up again if you're in that kind of situation. See this as a opportunity that not everyone get. If you work on yourself I'm sure it will pay out big one day. I hope you read this, because I think it could help you;)

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