Long Running Depression Getting Worse

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 16. I'm 31 now. Even though I had bouts of self harm and suicidal thoughts when I was a teen, I feel from my 20's to present it's been getting worse.

Some background; I live with my father, who I've had a strained relationship since 2010 after he ignored my pleas to call an ambulance when I fell down the stairs. I caught him violently attacking my mother when I was 16, he's selfish, bad tempered. Why live with him, I bet you wonder. He's ill now, Altzeimers (excuse the spelling). I've wanted to move out, despite my attachment to the family house, but feel guilty about abandoning him. I only have a sister, who lives in another country and isn't interested in seeing him again.

Basically I feel trapped in a life I really despise. I hate going to work, but it's a break from home which I hate even more. I don't sleep well. My only respite is a few hours out with my best friend on a Friday (who used to come to the house for longer before my dad started to freak her out), and my mother on a Saturday. I dread going home and yet I feel the need to go back everytime I'm out since I fear the worst will happen.

I've always wanted to be a writer and publish, but I can't concetrate. It's not that I'm always miserable or distant. Last night my dad told me I needed sleep, but then decided to play his TV at max volume till midnight and so I snapped. I've done this before, screamed into a sheet/pillow/, crawled into a ball on the floor... and once done sobbed for an hour. I can't live like this anymore. I feel selfish because I hate him and he's ill, why I hate him is because of what he's done before then. I don't feel like I have anything to live for. That this is my life until he dies, or I kill myself. Something I'm solely tempted to do, luckily I have a fear of death so...

I've finally gotten an appointment with my GP after months of trying, I'm not optomistic. Last time I tried I was waiting 6 months to see a therapist 1 hour a week for a set time. My mother who has also suffered depression tells me I need anti-depressants too. Neither will really cure my feeling of resentment and being trapped. I hate my life. I feel like a failure, still living at home and secretly hoping I'll get to have it to myself (I know, I'm a horrible person), not even bothering to achieve my only dream...etc. I've already bored you so I wont' go on.

Last place I tried nobody really responded, at most got a sad emoticon response. Apart from a very likely dismissive GP next week, I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn to.

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    a GP will never give much help with regards to mental health, beyond throwing meds which they have no idea how to prescribe - they dont do much.  Best thing is to ask for a referal to psychotherapy, they will properly assess and treat you - dont agree to CBT - thats another cheap favourite of a gp - but by and large it doesnt work very well
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    • Posted

      Yeah I'm afraid I have tried in the past, so I'm not expecting the appointment to go well. My GP practice is generally not any help with anything. The others in my town aren't much better. My mother wants to basically write a script for me to use in there since she managed to get help.

      I don't think I've ever heard of CBT to be honest. I'll remember to mention psychotherapy, thanks.

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  • Posted

    Are you now living with both Parents or has Yoour Mother moved out ?

    When it comes to dementia I lost my Father to it and  I looked after my Aunt who also died because of it. Alzhmr is a real problem to deal with and sometimes it is better to let the person go into a Nursing Home where people can control and look after the needs of the sufferer. 

    If your Mother is at home still and is looking after your Dad. It may be the best time to move out and begin your life, I know when I left home at thirty I found it very strange, although in my own way I knew I had outstayed my welcome.

    Living in your family home with all its negative problems must be a drain upon you and family, a home is not a home if you resent where you are.

    I would move on if I was you it should begin something positive for you


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    • Posted

      No, my mother divorced him and moved out a long time ago (2003 I think) after the abuse I mentioned. She gave me the choice to leave with her, but I stupidly stayed because I was at college and had friends in the area, where she was going would've meant me losing all that.

      I'm so sorry to hear about your father and aunt sad

      I agree about the nursing home. It's something I've thought about a lot, but not fully certain how to pursue. My GPs are involved, they've called me once to arrange a blood test but apart from that I'm kept out of the loop. Basically they and now the hospital don't keep me informed and go through my dad, who can barely remember something I've told him in the last 5 minutes, let alone when an appointment will be

      Apparently they sent a doctor to the house while I was at work, I knew nothing about it, dad did, and he either didn't answer or went out. Now we've got to wait till the 28th. It's an evaluation of some kind, that's the most they told me afterwards.

      In a nutshell I haven't a clue what's going to happen and feel like there's nothing I can do but put up with it. I don't understand how when someone's as ill as he is, memory and behaviour wise, they continue to rely on him to make/keep appointments.

      Truthfully he was always scatterbrained and even though he was very vocal about any illness/injury he had, he always fought getting help for it. He never believed in mental illness. Then there's also the fact he has always blamed others for everything, nothing was his fault and he never saw the damage he was causing (again before he was ill, I know now it's not his fault). So now it's a much bigger struggle to get anything sorted out. He won't do it for me, I've tried, he seems to resist that far more

      After last night I really feel like running away from everything, as I'm sure if I stay in this life any longer I'm going to do something stupid. I don't want to live if this is my life.

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    • Posted


      You need a Power of Attorney so you will be able to look after His interests. It seems they are going to assess His needs and possibly consider moving Him into a Nursing home that will deal and look after him.

      At the meeting will be Social Services and people who have been looking after Him, it may be He does not want assistance from you or any other relative.

      They will need to know His Finances eventually if they move Him out of His home and if need be His estate may need to be realised to pay for His Nursing Care.

      You all in your family need to discuss what you want to do, They may need to go to the Court of Protection to be paid from your Fathers estate

      In my Aunts case they took payment when the house was sold, everyone is different. Discuss all with the Alzhiemer Charities they can explain the situation you May be in


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