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Hi. I've suffered from depression on and off since I was 16. I'm 31 now. Even though I had bouts of self harm and suicidal thoughts when I was a teen, I feel from my 20's to present it's been getting worse.
Some background; I live with my father, who I've had a strained relationship since 2010 after he ignored my pleas to call an ambulance when I fell down the stairs. I caught him violently attacking my mother when I was 16, he's selfish, bad tempered. Why live with him, I bet you wonder. He's ill now, Altzeimers (excuse the spelling). I've wanted to move out, despite my attachment to the family house, but feel guilty about abandoning him. I only have a sister, who lives in another country and isn't interested in seeing him again.
Basically I feel trapped in a life I really despise. I hate going to work, but it's a break from home which I hate even more. I don't sleep well. My only respite is a few hours out with my best friend on a Friday (who used to come to the house for longer before my dad started to freak her out), and my mother on a Saturday. I dread going home and yet I feel the need to go back everytime I'm out since I fear the worst will happen.
I've always wanted to be a writer and publish, but I can't concetrate. It's not that I'm always miserable or distant. Last night my dad told me I needed sleep, but then decided to play his TV at max volume till midnight and so I snapped. I've done this before, screamed into a sheet/pillow/, crawled into a ball on the floor... and once done sobbed for an hour. I can't live like this anymore. I feel selfish because I hate him and he's ill, why I hate him is because of what he's done before then. I don't feel like I have anything to live for. That this is my life until he dies, or I kill myself. Something I'm solely tempted to do, luckily I have a fear of death so...
I've finally gotten an appointment with my GP after months of trying, I'm not optomistic. Last time I tried I was waiting 6 months to see a therapist 1 hour a week for a set time. My mother who has also suffered depression tells me I need anti-depressants too. Neither will really cure my feeling of resentment and being trapped. I hate my life. I feel like a failure, still living at home and secretly hoping I'll get to have it to myself (I know, I'm a horrible person), not even bothering to achieve my only dream...etc. I've already bored you so I wont' go on.
Last place I tried nobody really responded, at most got a sad emoticon response. Apart from a very likely dismissive GP next week, I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn to.
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