Posted , 5 users are following.
I needed to write this somewhere, where maybe i can reach another person feeling low and suicidal.
Ive been suffering with depression for close to 6 years now. On citalopram for most of those years at 40mg. And at 26 you think id have a lot to be happy about. Depression doesnt work like that it'll take over whoever it likes and whenever it likes.
Thursday around midnight, i tried to overdose on 20 x 7.5mg of Zolpliclone after drinking a bottle of wine. Id self harmed my thigh to get rid of the urge to overdose without avail. Id lost all of Friday and most of Saturday. During this time i had ended up at my ex boyfriends house, who prooved once again useless and did not get an ambulance even after knowing what i had done. May i add i have no tolerance to Zolpliclone, they were not my meds (infact were his). Saturday afternoon was taken to A&E by a good friend where my bloods were fine and after nearly 8hrs to see the mental health team was sent home. I finally told my mum what had happened and though not very helpful, its a secret i dont have to keep to myself. And just letting her know was the first step to letting her know more and making her understand that depression isnt kind so im asking her to be.
Ive tried time and time again to help myself get better, CBT, mindfulness, counselling but none of these things target the real problem i have never faced. Unfortunately, as a young woman, sexual assault is a very common issue and tears apart everything in your life- family support; friendships; relationship and your self worth and self esteem. It highlights all the past trauma ive never dealt with, my abusive dad, my toxic, dependent relationship with men etc. And this, for me is what needs to be targeted in therapy. If you are reading this far, then keep reading if you feel low, or like harming youself. Just stop. Take a few minutes and carry on reading. You are not alone.
Today, with my hospital bracelet on and cotton pads everywhere from blood work. I bumped into someone i would never thought would bother to think about my well being. But they really stopped and listened. Support can come in all different types of people as long as we can take the moment, open up and accept this is not a forever feeling, but death is forever...and scary. All i felt today was support, even after id done something so "shameful". Please dont go to the lengths of nearly losing your life to have people support you and listen to you. Help is always there, and tomorrow is day one of feeling better. Take that from a girl with a cannula mark on her arm, a couple of other needle marks from flat veins and her hospital bracelet still on.
2 likes, 10 replies