Long term depression : Zolpliclone and alcohol

Posted , 5 users are following.

I needed to write this somewhere, where maybe i can reach another person feeling low and suicidal.

Ive been suffering with depression for close to 6 years now. On citalopram for most of those years at 40mg. And at 26 you think id have a lot to be happy about. Depression doesnt work like that it'll take over whoever it likes and whenever it likes.

Thursday around midnight, i tried to overdose on 20 x 7.5mg of Zolpliclone after drinking a bottle of wine. Id self harmed my thigh to get rid of the urge to overdose without avail. Id lost all of Friday and most of Saturday. During this time i had ended up at my ex boyfriends house, who prooved once again useless and did not get an ambulance even after knowing what i had done. May i add i have no tolerance to Zolpliclone, they were not my meds (infact were his). Saturday afternoon was taken to A&E by a good friend where my bloods were fine and after nearly 8hrs to see the mental health team was sent home. I finally told my mum what had happened and though not very helpful, its a secret i dont have to keep to myself. And just letting her know was the first step to letting her know more and making her understand that depression isnt kind so im asking her to be.

Ive tried time and time again to help myself get better, CBT, mindfulness, counselling but none of these things target the real problem i have never faced. Unfortunately, as a young woman, sexual assault is a very common issue and tears apart everything in your life- family support; friendships; relationship and your self worth and self esteem. It highlights all the past trauma ive never dealt with, my abusive dad, my toxic, dependent relationship with men etc. And this, for me is what needs to be targeted in therapy. If you are reading this far, then keep reading if you feel low, or like harming youself. Just stop. Take a few minutes and carry on reading. You are not alone.

Today, with my hospital bracelet on and cotton pads everywhere from blood work. I bumped into someone i would never thought would bother to think about my well being. But they really stopped and listened. Support can come in all different types of people as long as we can take the moment, open up and accept this is not a forever feeling, but death is forever...and scary. All i felt today was support, even after id done something so "shameful". Please dont go to the lengths of nearly losing your life to have people support you and listen to you. Help is always there, and tomorrow is day one of feeling better. Take that from a girl with a cannula mark on her arm, a couple of other needle marks from flat veins and her hospital bracelet still on.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi emily38804

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    I hope you get better and stronger Emily ! It only takes one good friend to see you through your darkness . I have yet to start counselling and on paper have everything . I would never take my life but feel I have been a waste of a life but I know it's in my hands to change . I wish you well and continued improvement love and light x

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  • Posted

    Oh, my goodness what a journey for you.

    Please continue to seek the help and support you need . 

    Depression is an illness,  none of us  choose. 

    I was once upon a time suicidal .I can relate to your struggles.

    I can also say that it does get better, we just have to FIGHT for the better days. It is worth it!

    Again, continue to work towards the sunnier days.

    You are among fellow friends here.

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  • Posted

     Thank you.  Just please don't kill yourself. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Emily!

    How are things going ?

    I have been thinking about you and wanted to check in.

    I have been on a bit of a roller coaster ride lately myself, but knowing that I can come to this forum and touch base with people who understand, gives me the strength and courage to face yet another challenge.

    Please know that you are understood and I care.

    Smile........

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    • Posted

      Hi Brenda.

      Thank you so much for your support and kind words. Its been a rough few days especially explaining what happened to people. Ive been brought up to hide my problems so its been hard to open up, especially to my mum who doesnt believe in depression.

      Its so nice of you to check in, i hope things smooth over for you soon. Each day is a mystery and i hope things look up soon.

      Take care. If you ever need to talk, im happy to listen.

      Emily x

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  • Posted

    Thanks for your reply.

    Your message sounds much more relaxed. Keep up the good work.

    Have you explained to your mother that depression is an illness and NOT a choice ?It can help her in the understanding of the illness.

    I want to advise you that hiding this problem only makes dealing with it that much harder. That is the reason for the existence of this forum; we all understand its complexities and deal with it day to day.

    I am glad to offer some reassurance to you and always an ear.

    I may not always be able to answer promptly the next two weeks, my husband is having surgery next week and we are doing all the pre-operative appointments right now and then it will be some recovery time and then follow-up appointments.

    Just remember you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Keep smiling and remember ,you have friends here!

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  • Posted

    Emily

    Hi there.

    Stay the course as you have heard many others feeling your sentiment truly inside and out.

    We are here for you. 

    You will get through it, I read your post and I can tell that you understand that it is real, and its something you should not be ashamed of. 

    Empower yourself with the fight to move forward. Its a fierce competitor, believe me I also know. Its day to day for me. 

    It also sounds like you have support and are grateful for that, isn't

     is something that it comes from nowhere?

    Take it slow, and easy. Your mum will not understand this no does mine. Surround yourself with people who can support you.

    You are young and beautiful and don't forget it.  smile

    XXXX

     

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    • Posted

      Those are beautiful words !

      I too have family who don't understand this illness or struggle...however everyone here does. It makes it easier to cope.

      Thanks to you and all the others who offer words of encouragement!

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